Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

(((MJ))) ~ Good as always to see you and you can count on me to root for you my friend - Anytime...

After you see my following vent, you will see why it is probably a good idea H is not in my house at this time and why I am apparently not as detached as I "think" I am.


Vent ~
As I stated above, I didn't wake up in a good mood today...

I know my sleep is off and when my sleep is off, my meds feel off which in turn make for a not so emotionally stable me...

Work dragged on and and the rage I have been feeling since he told me he was going to Church with that homewrecker was just sitting there manifesting...

I tried my usual techniques, music, breathing, walking outside for fresh air etc...

Nothing, I could feel it bubbling to the surface and there was nothing I could do to stop it...

I came home just foul and ready for a fight, I just needed an opponent...

That would come in the form of my 6 year old who has turned into a very clingy, foul mouthed little boy in recent months...

The cursing I am working on, the clinginess I of course understand and normally we just do things together because I am trying to show him stability in any form...

Today just wasn't the day...

It turned into a screaming match between him and I (being the grown-up I do know better) and me in turn spanking him...

If you know me you know that is rare, I don't spank because quite frankly I have a hard time controlling my temper on a good day, I have anger as the main emotion with my bi-polar and once I hit that "rage" there is no turning back...

I have physically harmed people and not even remembered doing it when I am pushed that far so I don't spank...

Well tonight I did (no I didn't hurt him) and my son being 1/2 of me just doesn't know when to stop...

He kept pushing my buttons so I put him to bed early...

By then the rage wall was up and I was so mad I was shaking, mad at myself for getting that angry, mad he wouldn't listen to me no matter what I said, angry at my H for all the s**t he has pulled, mad that I still want him back and I still care, mad that he didn't love me enough not to cheat and then didn't love me enough to stay and work on things...

No matter that I am medicated, the thoughts started flying through my head and I couldn't stop them...

The mind movies, all the conversations of the last 8 months we have had, the lies, the hurtful words hurled, the justifications, the denial, the projections etc....

All of it flying at the speed of light through my head and I found myself in the bathroom and the damage had already been done and I didn't even feel the first 15 cuts...

I haven't self-harmed in 7 months...

I have learned new coping techniques instead of the old ones I used to use so WTF did I allow myself to go that far down?

The anger beast is sleeping once again...

Yes I put a call into my Dr. to see about adjusting my meds once again and yes that makes me mad as well...

Because based on his BS I have to keep adjusting my meds to get through something I never asked for...

Jerkface.