But... I've started slipping tonight. Hopefully not too much damage done and I've got my head straight again before I made things worse.
I waited til about an hour after H was supposed to be done work (according to what he said this a.m.) and had not heard anything from H all day. The issue re: S was really starting to bug me and I felt I needed to calmly address it. So I called. Of course, voicemail. Left a message. Nothing. An hour went by. Nothing. So I texted "call me". Nothing. Still nothing.
It's now been two hours. Nothing.
I went home to have supper with D13 before she went with a friend to a movie. S15 already gone to friend's house. So, am alone again... my now usual Friday night routine. All my friends are busy with their own families.
And, I started to feel the anxiety build... and grow... and it became almost panic. Couldn't seem to stop the thoughts... had a good cry and a few rants.
So, now I am here after a few deep breaths and trying to get back on track.
You can go out by yourself. You don't have to sit at home alone. Even if it is just to walk around the mall, sometimes the mere act of getting out the house puts you in such a PMA it is unbelieveable. Next Friday if you do not want to be at home, get dressed, Put on some make up and go SOMEWHERE.
I know the panicked feeling. Been there, done that. These feelings will lessen as time goes by. Patience is the key. If there is a magic bullet it is patience. That is why GALing helps. Getting out of the house helps. Not staring at four walls helps remind you that there is more to life than your sitch. But don't beat yourself up as it will all take TIME.
I understand that you felt the need to call H to talk about your S. But see if you can let some time pass before he gets back to you without calling or texting him again. In the interim, calm down. It never pays to speak to our S in these sitches when we are wound up and emotional. Let off some more steam if you have to. Be calm and collected when you do speak with him.
You will get there. Patience is the key. The more I see in my sitch and read on these boards I realize that patience will really be the thing that makes or breaks a lot of us.
I waited til about an hour after H was supposed to be done work (according to what he said this a.m.) and had not heard anything from H all day. The issue re: S was really starting to bug me and I felt I needed to calmly address it. So I called. Of course, voicemail. Left a message. Nothing. An hour went by. Nothing. So I texted "call me". Nothing. Still nothing.
It's now been two hours. Nothing.
Encouragement? Nah, but I will point out that this is probably exactly what he wanted you to do when he tested you.
well i think I recovered ok. H called about an hour after that last post and I didn't pick up. He called both home and cell. Let it go. He was on his way home, so I just acted surprised and cheerful when he walked in the door, and I was keeping busy. I calmly informed H how I felt about his decision re: S. He explained his reasoning (S convinced him, apparently). I stood my ground calmly that we need to be on the same page. H agreed. Now H is hanging out in his room but with door open. Has chatted with me a bit about his work, etc. Just doing my own thing. I am hanging out with D13.
We live in a very small town... no mall... not really anywhere to go to GAL by yourself. And I actually hardly know anyone here. Long story but we moved here for the school for the kids. It has been good for the kids but not good for either H or me and definitely not for our M. H and I both commute at least half hour to get to our jobs, part of the reason H never home in evenings. If he has an evening commitment in the city (sports, meeting etc.) he stays in city til after. I don't get involved in much in city because one of us has to be home for kids and we used to divide that up pretty fairly. Now, I just know if I'm not there no one else will be so I don't feel able to get involved in anything else.
The bottom line is that I pretty much go to work, come home, take care of kids and when kids are busy am home alone in a town where I don't know anyone. I've gone for walks, etc. I have got to find some creative ways to GAL in this small town while still keeping an eye on what kids are doing.
Kara - thanks for your thoughts... I am realizing patience is so key. I keep reading people say time is on our side and I am trying to remember that. I need to be patient with myself.
Welcome to my world! Oh ya, friday nights. Sometimes H comes home right after work on a friday night, changes his clothes and leaves. Sometimes he comes home during the middle of the night. Other times he comes home and stays, but the next morning he packs his bag and leaves until sunday night. Tonight he came home around 8 0'clock, but went straight to bed. He said HI to me, but that was about it. He fell right to sleep. His cell did go off however. I imagine it was skank. It infuriates me that she calls my H in my home.
Hang in there! I know the feeling of the lonliness. We have no children, but I have my dogs to keep me company. I also do special things for myself. I make something yummy for dinner, light my candles in the livingroom, and watch a movie, or get on my laptop.
Kara ~
I can't seem to get myself to get out when H not home. I live in a small town, and wouldn't want to run in to them. On my thread, I talk about running into H on the motorcycle with her on the back. The Harley we picked out that I loved to ride on.
Hi MJ, Thanks for stopping by... I will have to check out your thread. H now has closed his door. D and I are watching a movie. So glad to have her to snuggle with and that at 13 she still wants to snuggle with her mom.
Getting back to my PMA... None of this changes any of what I believe to be true about myself, who I am and what I deserve.
Puppy... I noticed you talking with AFG about helping her predict H's behavior to be prepared. Maybe I need to work on that too...
well i think I recovered ok. H called about an hour after that last post and I didn't pick up. He called both home and cell. Let it go. He was on his way home, so I just acted surprised and cheerful when he walked in the door, and I was keeping busy. I calmly informed H how I felt about his decision re: S. He explained his reasoning (S convinced him, apparently). I stood my ground calmly that we need to be on the same page. H agreed.
Well just wait for the rest of the story... I did even better (I think!)
D13 and I watched a movie in my room. H door was shut. D fell asleep on my bed so I left her there. Got up to get a glass of water and going to go to bed as well. When I go back to my room, H's door is wide open. H: you going to bed? RW:yeah H: D sleeping there? RW: yeah (chuckles) she wanted me to rub her back and that put her right to sleep (H used to enjoy frequent back rubs from RW but no more...) H: oh...you are allowed to come in you know (RW is standing in the doorway of H's room) RW: oh, ok (shrugs like not a big deal) I am wearing pj's that are shortie shorts and tight low, cut t-shirt. I lay on the foot of his bed on my side, resting my head on my hand. I let me hand brush his feet lightly with a playful smile. H: I miss your "tickles" RW: I miss it too. silence H starts talking about his work for awhile. RW listens. H: I'm just tired of things not working out. (H referring to finances, some negative circumstances that had happened in the last couple of years) H: Aren't you tired of that? RW: Yeah, it took a toll on both of us. I brush my hand along his feet again. RW: well, i'm off to bed... sleep well H: (surprised, kinda pouty voice) oh, well ok then... I smile, close his door, go into my room, close my door and drift off into the first peaceful sleep I have had in a long time.
