Still getting nowhere fast....

[lost-n-Iowa]

Thanks guys for sticking around me through this.

I don't think that anything is going to help right now. I seriously thought that going to an MC would help but I have since changed my mind. It is not working in my opinion becasue we can't go often enough to benefit from it. Since we got back together we have only been able to go 3 times together. Geez, where is the help in that?

My H has not been breaking stuff anymore but now he is on to the next thing that is crazy and hurtful. Just about everytime that I talk to him now, and we end up arguing about something, I get told to shut the f*** up, to go f*** myself, or to f*** off. Not sure where this new behavior has come from. Sure it is better than breaking my stuff to a point but it is still just as hurtful.

I have been really down about how things are going or to say the least how things are not going. I am having a hard time with all of it and what robx said just did not go over good with me. I am sorry for venting on another poster here. Perhaps that was not the best of my communication attributes. Maybe I took it out on robx because it is exactly some of the same things my H has asked me in the past.

Money is a big issue. My girls are the other issue. And I can probably give a list of ten more reasons why I am not ready to give up, move out, or get a divorce. None of my excuses are very good though. I don't have anything but a part time job that woudl barely make ends meet and I would not be able to put enough food on the table, clothe my girls, get all the things that they needed, pay rent and the utilities, and keep all the other bills at bay to. I hardly have any money in the savings accounts, at least not enough to sustain us long enough. Also, I am afraid that if I leave and I am struggling, then my daughters real dads could find out about it and take me back to court to get my girls. If that were to happen and I can't pay for a lawyer and then I lost my girls because I can't provide for them, then I would be devestated.

I am so lost.......

I don't know how I feel about my H anymore. I use to think that love was everything and that if you had it, then you could get through anything. I am begining to second guess that theory. I use to think that we could get through this, gt past it all, and come out the other end, stronger, being able to communicate better, and perhaps in love again. I am also second guessing those thoughts too.

I think I am second guessing alot about me, myself, and I right now. I don't know what I want, where I want to be, or if I want to be with him anymore.