We have our first counseling session today. Now, if you haven't read my other posts, this is not a MC session, per se. The goal is not to "give me hope" but to learn to rebuild trust and communication so we can be good parents through the divorce process and afterward. "But if more happens, Great." - that's her quote...not sure why THAT would give me any hope!
So, it's more like Divorce Counseling.
We are going to do this with my IC who we also saw several years ago for MC. At least we won't waste time rehashing all the history we would have to with someone else. He knows everything. I think that is partly why we are going...my W wants to see if I have REALLY talked about everything with him. In the past, when we did counseling, I never opened up the way I should have. I have done that this time.
My role today is going to be to sit beside her and listen and not get defensive, not show strong emmotion, and most importantly, not talk unless she or the C ask me a question. Just listen. Let her vent. Let the venom out.
When that is done, well, we'll see.
My stomach hurts, I feel like I am going to the dentist (I hate the dentist). 4:00pm today, probably for an hour and a half...then it will be time for a beer with some friends...no matter what happens.
arg, please wish, pray and hope that I can have that strength readily avilable today and stick to my DBing. My IC knows about DBing and is supportive of it.
It sounds like you know what you need to do, and you know you're strong enough to handle it. You've wouldn't have made it this far if you weren't! You have come such a long way already- that was something you needed whether you stay married or not, and it took real strength and courage to do so. You'll be fine no matter what happens. Best wishes that things go well today!
I will let it digest tonight and post more tomorrow...but I heard "I haven't loved you in years" "I still think about you and miss you", "I don't want to come back to counseling" and "I'll call to confirm the appt, if I do".
This was one huge mindf^ck for me. She even said "It might be selfish, but I did this for me, so I could get the anger out."
No talk of divorce though. Just a very angry W who has me more confused than ever.
I stuck to my DBing rules but also expressed my feelings, which she asked me to do...more on all this tomorrow, right now I need some ESPN and a beer.
Okay, I had fun last night with friends. It was well deserved. This post will be a bit long, but please tell me what you think.
The session started off with me walking in the door and sitting on the couch and her deciding to sit in a chair and not next to me. Fine.
The counselor asked if we would be okay if he spent a few minutes with each of us alone. I left first. He spent about 15 minutes with my W. Then we switched and since he was my IC, we only spent about 5 minutes alone before bringing her back in. He did say that I should not expect anything tonight, but that my only goal should be to make it through and try to get her to a second appt. But I should be very honest with her.
He did tell me that she told him she was confused and "sometimes" misses me. She said that when we were together too...but she was very angry. I didn't get angry at all, in fact she told me I was being "Werid" and that I should "get angry". I asked her what getting angry would do to help and she said "it feels good". You should know that this is a complete role reversal for both of us.
So, I listened to everything that I have done wrong. I was even tempered, didn't show anger, I did cry at times, but I remained strong and focused. At one point she stopped and said "I don't know who you are, you sound like you are trying to sell me something...you're very good at saying whatever I want to hear" etc... She then got angry and said "be honest!".
I looked her right in the eye and I said, "You told me not to say things like "I love you" or "let's fix this marriage" you specifically told me not to. So, if I tell you the truth, those are the things I need to say, but if I say them I am "manipulating you" (her term) and if I don't say them I can't be honest...so what am I supposed to do?"
She got angry and said "say it! say it right now then!"
So I did. I told her that I had made mistakes, but she did too. I told her that I didn't want a divorce, that I wanted to stay married and that it would be a lot of work; but it was what I wanted. I told her that I did love her, and that I did make mistakes and didn't prioritize our marriage. I didn't study her and pay attention to her like I should have. (I learned later on she mentioned this with the C when she was with him too). I also added that the same is true of her. We both chose to let the marriage become secondary to other things.
She calmed down...for a little bit
I won't go into the details of everything; but I had no pulse on how this was really turning out. I couldn't tell if we were making progress or not.
She said "I just don't have any feelings left for you, they've been gone a very long time. and there is nothing left to save, you are nothing more then a friend to me".
We talked about a vacation we took two years ago and she said that she could have put "any other guy" in my spot and had the same fun. It was fun, but it was nothing more than friends, even then.
The C asked if she ever felt intimate with me and she said she had, but many years ago.
He asked if she thought she could feel that way again, she said no.
She then went on to say that love is either there or it isn't...and it's not there. That is where my IC came to my rescue, because I said that was not right. Love is a choice and it is a choice to fall in love, stay in love, or fall out of love.
She got angry and said that wasn't true, and the C interjected and said it was. She calmed down.
It was at the end of the meeting and she needed to leave. He asked if we wanted to come back for an appt next week. I waited for her response and after a pause she said "no. I just don't see the point. This may be selfish, but this appt was for me to let out some anger and let him know how I really feel. There is no future, there is no reason to come back."
He asked me if I wanted to some back and I said "yes".
So he said that the appt was blocked and her would leave it that way. If my W chooses to go, she needs to call him and let him know. Otherwise, I guess, we are done.
At no time was divorce mentioned.
After she left the C talked to me for a few minutes. He said that he might do something he has rarely done; that is, if she doesn't call, he may call her and ask her to give me the same chance to "lay things on the table" as I gave her. He said he would wait until Tuesday and see if she called.
He said that if we do come, I need to be brutally honest with her. Think about what makes me angry. Lay it all out. He said that he has seen people with fewer problems go through with divorce, but also seen people with much bigger problems stay married. He said she needs to know what frusterates you in this marriage too, and while that might go against the DB rules, it is the time to do it.
Sooo....I have been a state of confusion for 2 months, and now...I'm even more confused.
There is nothing left; I can't keep doing this, I need some clarity.
She said she would file "when she was good and ready"; I'm not continuing to wait. She is on match.com and looking to move on, time for me to do the same.
I've been considering this for a week and after one counseling session, she said no more.
What do you mean by "done"? You haven't been at this very long compared to some of the other people here, you said two months, right? I understand the frustration, and that the two months have felt like an eternity already. But the longer she puts off filing herself gives you that much more time to continue your DB'ing and working on yourself. DB'ing is a marathon and you need endurance. I know you're tired, but please don't make decisions based on frustration and emotion.
Thanks Bunny, but I am okay with this. There is nothing left, I looked right into her eyes and saw nothing. I can't blame her, and I am sorry; but I am not going to continue to be a doormat
This is what she wants, and after today, I honestly can't say it isn't the best solution.
I've GALed a lot and realize that maybe she is right; we just weren't right together. Life will go on and I will be okay, and so will she. I don't want this to be messy; but I need some clarity in my life and she does too.
Two months isn't a long time, compared to many here; and honestly, I have made good progress myself since this whole thing started; but she has not. She's not willing to do anything to accept her own faults. Her poor self-esteeme is "all my fault" Sorry, it isn't.
I did love her, I really wanted to fix it; but it just isn't there and it isn't even stagnating anymore...it simply continues to spiral down. DBing worked a little, and over the last month, I have been very good about not breaking the rules. I still haven't; but she said she won't go to counseling and she treats me like dirt. I've learned that I am a good person and I won't be treated like that. Is that unfair, considering how I treated her...you bet! But two wrongs don't make a right and I feel like, at this point, there is nothing left to save.
I'll keep posting; I suspect I will have some rough days in the next week; but I really think this is the final outcome and I just can't continue to be put down, told how wrong I am, how everything is my fault...and still be expected to pay bills, fix things around the house and carry more than my fair share of the workload when it comes to the houses.
I agree with SpyBunny. Two months isn't much. I've been out six months now. When I first moved out I thought it'd be a quick fix. Instead, my DB counselor and all the reading I've done on these forums have convinced me when you are hit with the "I have no feelings for you anymore" that you are looking at a long, long recovery.
Here's a good book to read -- "I Do Again." It explains how a wife can be in an idealic marriage and yet feel lonely and her love slowly dies or is buried by small slights until she convinces herself she never actually loved her husband.
He's blindsided. They divorce and then seven years later they remarry -- only after lots of anger and prayer.
The last part I can't pin my hopes on, but reading how the marriage fell apart gave me good insight into what my W was saying.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
