Journaling, I have been doing so well this week... very proud of myself!
And, this afternoon I have been feeling the anxiety build again. Been trying to figure out why... I do NOT want to go there again! Been living in a state of anxiety for months and months. There is nothing specific I can think of that has triggered it. The only thing I can think of is this is the weekend. Weekends used to be great family time. Now, I never know what to expect and if my kids end up with plans with their friends (as teenagers usually do) I often end up alone now. I know... you are going to tell me to GAL. I am planning to try to do that. I need to find myself some new friends! lol Most of my friends are married with kids and they usually are busy with their families. I do have some ideas of things to do to GAL, whether or not anyone is available. It's just the loneliness I think... And, I get sad for the "old times". I know I can't go there. I know it. I have to fight this anxiety.
OK - just some self talk here: I am strong. I am amazing. I am fun! I will be ok no matter what H does, doesn't do, no matter what the weekend brings.
Ok, a few deep breaths, I think I am starting to feel better...
I used to feel that way every Friday afternoon when we were going thru our stuff. And to think that I used to LOOK FORWARD to the weekend! But when my wife was having her affair, all I felt was DREAD when the weekends came.
OK Puppy I hope you are around (or anyone else who wants to weigh in)...
H made a move in this game I did not expect and I could use feedback about how to respond or IF to respond.
Two things happened this afternoon... 1. checked online bank acct - $20 was taken out of account when H and I discussed yesterday how much cash he needed til next paycheque so he won't need to take anymore out. It is only $20, which makes me think it was done to make a point. 2. When I left for work this a.m. I made a point of telling H S15 will probably ask if he can go to "so and so's" house tonight. I already said "no". Guess what? S15 just called me, said he talked to Dad and Dad said "yes".
Neither of these issues are HUGE. $20 won't break the bank. And this friend of S15's is not a gangster or anything... just had some problems one other time when S15 went there so setting some boundaries.
Which makes me think H is trying to pick a fight with me. I think H wants me to call him and challenge him on one or both of these incidents. I think he wants to feel justified in having some reason to "need space" from me tonight.
so.... do I challenge? let it go? pretend it doesn't matter? cheerfully GAL? calmly raise the incidents? Help!
Ok that makes sense. But, I have decided I am not going to call. I have been working very hard at not pursuing, and I really think he is baiting me to call him. Both things are already done... so I will wait until I either see him or hear from him and calmly mention the S issue. *sigh* it feels like HE is the teenager in the house somedays....
