Thanks Puppy. I do feel at peace overall with it. And definitely not to say that there isn't still that small ember of hope for that "someday" scenario lingering inside me as well.
Last night was a little interesting. I came home from work dead tired from my late night out on Wednesday. Started dinner late and H came home while I was in kitchen finishing up. H immediately greets me with a friendly "Hi!" and has movies in his hand. Stops and asks me if I've seen one of the movies before. I replied that I hadn't. ( And I believe that he knows that I haven't seen it because this is a movie he has brought me to the computer and shown me clips of several times now and I've told him before that I haven't seen the whole movie.) H "Well good then, you can watch it with me tonight." I'm thinking to myself "What is this all about?"
H sits down at bar in kitchen and goes through rest of movies and chatting about them. I am standing directly across from H at the kitchen sink doing some dishes. I had a sexy purple bra and black spaghetti strap tank on. I go to bend down below the counter to get something out of the cabinet below the sink. H in very loud, friendly, flirty tone "Whooaa, put those away!" referring to my boobs. I look up quickly and realize the shot I was giving him. Pull my shirt up and say "Sorry, didn't realize the girls were showing." H smiling and laughing, "All I'm seeing are these big, huge boobs in my face." This is something he would have said back in the old days as a fun, flirty way of checking me out and it carried the same note when he was saying it last night.
Dinner was ready and I let H know. H came back to kitchen to make his plate showered and shirtless. Gave me a little show of his workout progress with his arms and chest. I just played it very cool, low key, and nonchalant (not as interested as I have been in the past when he has done this with me). H when getting his dinner, "You're not going to eat." with an implication of let's eat together. AFG "Nah, not right now, I'm not that hungry." H goes to living room to eat.
I keep cleaning kitchen and doing dishes. H puts movie in and says to me a few minutes later "Take a break and come watch this with me." I finished up what I was doing and kind of mosied on into living room. Watched movie and it was good comic relief. Afterwards, I finished kitchen cleaning and then said good night to H and went to bed.
If I hadn't been so tired last night, I think I would have declined movie offer and "had plans" to go out and leave H to watch movie by himself.
H was texting back and forth a few times during movie and on into the evening. Also noticed that H had his truck back but on his key ring was an additional set of keys, not seen previously, with a pink flip-flop and pink heart...
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 11/06/0905:39 PM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
A drawback (and protection/blessing) with me not snooping and/or looking at any cell phone records the entire time since the bomb, I have never really known who he is texting or who is texting him unless he tells me point blank while he is doing it or after the fact. And he has never said, it's OW when texting or on phone. Has only told me about things from his brother / friends / coworkers.
So, last night during movie could have been anyone, OW, his brother, people from work, or other friends. The movie was done by 10:00. Only reason I mention this, is that pattern for OW, from what I have noticed and my best guess/assumptions is that she gets off work between 10-11, as that's when the normal time for the "ding-ding" chime will come in on his phone and he texts back a few times and then phone will ring and he will go to his room to take the call. Lately, the calls haven't been happening as much, unless they are just taking place after he goes to bed in his room. Who knows?
I would like to put a boundary in place for the texting, but don't really know how to go about it and/or approach it. Any suggestions? Tuesday night he respected my boundary with a phone call he was on - I came home to him on phone in the office. I went to my room. Came back out and he had gone to his room and shut the door.
Last edited by aflowergurlie; 11/06/0909:08 PM.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
The movie was done by 10:00. Only reason I mention this, is that pattern for OW, from what I have noticed and my best guess/assumptions is that she gets off work between 10-11, as that's when the normal time for the "ding-ding" chime will come in on his phone and he texts back a few times and then phone will ring and he will go to his room to take the call. Lately, the calls haven't been happening as much, unless they are just taking place after he goes to bed in his room. Who knows?
I would like to put a boundary in place for the texting, but don't really know how to go about it and/or approach it. Any suggestions?
Yes. Next time it is between 10-11:00, and he's getting texts, and his facial expressions and body language tell you that it's OW (you're a pretty perceptive woman, AFG -- trust your instincts), say:
"I certainly hope you're not texting your girlfriend in front of me. That would be incredibly disrespectful."
And just stare at him. If it's her, he'll say that it isn't, but he'll stop, and he'll most likely never do it again.
If it isn't, and it's innocent, he will show you who it is.
Right thru him, don't say anything or avert your eyes. Stand up for yourself.
If you do this here is what will happen
- Your husband will respect you
- You know the scene in the Grinch when he hears the Whos down in Whoville singing after he stole all the gifts. Well your heart will grow three sizes and and you'll find the strength of ten Flowergurlies plus two.
It's true try it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Friday night, when I got home from work it didn't look like H had been to the house, as there were a few things still around that he normally takes with him for the weekend. But I wasn't sure so I just kept the notion in mind that he was probably gone for the weekend, but there was also a possibility of him being home that night.
I left to go out with friends around 10:00pm and still no H. I ended up spending the night at my bro's and came home around 2:00pm on Saturday. Much to my surprise H was home. When I came in H was on couch watching tv, looked like he had slept there and had been there all day. H was on the phone but broke conversation with a friendly "You're home." when I walked past into my bedroom. And then H just commented "you look hungover" with a little laugh. I just smiled and went into my bedroom.
I stayed in my bedroom resting and watching tv for the rest of the afternoon and then had to get ready for a party to go to in the evening. Just as I was about finished getting ready (dressed in a cute deep v cleavage showing black and white polka dot dress with black platform heels) H knocked on my door. I open the door and H is standing there in his underwear (and ONLY his underwear dear goodness). H looks at me kinda surprised, not expecting to see me all dressed up, and says "Where are you going all dolled up?" AFG "A party." H "Ohhh." AFG with a friendly tone of you're breaking the boundaries "You're in your underwear." H "I know, it's not like you've never seen me in my underwear before. Come watch this clip on tv." H plays this funny clip that he had told me about seeing previously. I stood with my back to him so I didn't have to see him while he was up in the kitchen and coming back to the couch walking in his underwear. I played it like I could care less about seeing him that way. I just laughed at the clip and then quickly went back to my room like I was busy to finish getting ready.
Came out of my room to leave and H on couch "Are you going to be home tonight?" AFG - "I should be." H repeats with a little sarcasticness "You "should" be? Well, don't drive drunk." I leave for party. When he asked me "was I going to be home tonight?" I felt really irritated. I wonder why does he ask that? I find myself trying to figure out "why" he is asking which is mind-reading and I don't want to do that and have to forcibly stop myself afterwards. And it also makes me mad because I don't ask him EVER about his comings and goings. Do I say something to him about it? Something like "It really irks me when you ask me where I'm going and whether I'll be home or not. I respect your privacy enough to not ask you about your plans for when you will be here or not and I would appreciate the same consideration from you." Or just let it go, and keep giving vague answers if/when he does ask? I mean did I ask him why he is home this weekend? Which I am, by the way, assuming that OW must be out of town or something.
Get home around 10:30. H still on couch in same position as I left him. AFG with little laughter "You pretty much haven't left that position today have you?" H "Pretty much." AFG - "I'm going to go get something to eat. Do you want me to get you something? (I felt bad because he was scrounging for food earlier before I had left. No groceries in the house on weekends, because neither of us are usually home.) H "A chicken sandwich. Thank you." The thank you was the first time I had heard the tone change to one of sincerity, not obligatory, which caught me by surprise. Maybe because this is the first time I have gone out of my way to do something like this for him in forever, and it would have been second nature for me back in the old days. Went and got food, handed H his sandwich, said good night and went to my room.
This morning - H was on computer in office, still in underwear. H walks into kitchen to get a drink while I am making breakfast, still in underwear. At that point I was ready to take off my shirt and shorts to be in just my bra and panties only and say well since you're walking around in just your underwear, I guess I can too, lol. H goes and takes a shower and comes back out to kitchen, fully dressed (finally) in his workclothes. I am sitting at kitchen bar eating my breakfast. H grabs bartool and sits across from me to eat his breakfast. H asks me about the party. I ended up chatting with him about it because it is H & I's old social group.
As I was cleaning up kitchen and dishes, H is sitting at kitchen bar across from me now and says "I want to ask you something." AFG - "Ok." H "Well, I guess more like say something." AFG - "Ok, go ahead." H "It's about when I asked you about your friend being a guy and all that, I just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable or mean to make you uncomfortable at all. Because it doesn't have to be that way between us. I want for us to be able to talk about stuff and not for it to be awkward." AFG "I still stand by what I said previously, I'm not comfortable in discussing my private life with you." H "You don't have to be secretive about this kind of stuff. I don't see what the big deal is." H stops in mid-conversation and has his phone out and looks like he is looking for a picture, not texting because there hadn't been any incoming "ding-ding" and the phone's keyboard wasn't slid out, and I also became fearful that he was going to try to show me a pic of OW or something, but regardless I decided it was the perfect opportunity to say something about the texting. So I waited a few minutes and said "I sure hope that you're not texting your girlfriend right in front of me because that would be very disrespectful." H "No, I was looking for another picture that my bro sent me of his kitten to show you, but I think it got deleted." and then told me all about the picture. We chat about our kitties and how we both miss them too while I keep cleaning dishes. H a minute later says with smirky, funny tone "You're a smart ass." referring back to my texting comment. Then, coincidentally a few minutes later there was a text that came in "ding-ding" and H says out loud "Gosh, (coworkers name) what do you want?"
Then H says "Back to what I was saying before...is there a someone or potential someone?" AFG - "What would it matter if there was?" H - "Because I'm curious and I want to know." AFG - "I don't ask you about your life because I DON'T want to know and I would appreciate the same from you. I'm not comfortable talking about this and this conversation is over." H - "It's not like if you tell me there is someone I'm gonna be like Ok, let's get back together." AFG - "That wouldn't matter or have anything to do with this anyways. I'm finished talking about this because the fact is that we are still married and we need to get the paperwork done." and I start to leave the kitchen to go to my bedroom. H turns and says to me "Ok, well then, do you want me to go and get the paperwork?" AFG "No, I've already downloaded it, I just need to print it out." H with kind of shocked/surprised tone "Downloaded it? Did it cost money?" AFG - "No, it was free. It will cost $414.00 to file. All that I'm waiting on is for the short sale to be finished, but I'd like it if we could have it all done and ready to file after that is finished." H - "Ok, I guess we need to have the other conversation then of who gets what, how we're dividing things. And I'd like for it to be civil, not like last time when we got into a big argument about it all. You remember that right?" AFG - "Yes." We both look at each other in a few moments of silence and I caught a hinting glimpse on H's face of a pained expression while I stood firm without emotion. I start going into my room, H says "Ok, I guess we'll talk more later then." Then I heard H leave.
I was really proud of myself throughout that entire conversation for carrying myself without emotion. I stayed calm, cool, and casual throughout all of it...
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
Didn't see H for the rest of the day/evening on Sunday. I was gone pretty much all day and got home around 11pm that night and it didn't look like H had been home at all either. Went to bed around 12:45 and left my bedroom door wide open cause I didn't think he'd be home. Woke up yesterday morning and heard H rustling about out in the kitchen and eventually leave for work.
I was gone all day yesterday but noticed when I got home that he had come home for lunch. Last night no H, so I made dinner and spent the evening by myself just keeping myself busy with this and that. Around 11:30pm my phone rings and it's H. H with a little bit of an annoyed tone "Just wanted to check and see if there was any food in the house or if I'm on my own." AFG, friendly - "No, I made dinner." H, complete change in voice tone to happy "Ohhh, you did? What'd ya make?" AFG "Some beef with artichokes and roasted red peppers." H - "Oh, ok, well I just wanted to check." and then adds quickly "I'm still at work. Yay!(funny/sarcastically)" and sounded like if I would have engaged him more in conversation he would have continued to talk. AFG - "Ok, bye." H - "Ok then...thanks, bye." Then I went to bed.
I just had to laugh at this one. It's been a very long time since I've had a phone call like that from him. Plus I think it's funny that he is annoyed about the food situation because 1) He was home on a weekend for the first time since September and since we are both usually not at home on weekends there usually isn't much food in the house, so this past weekend he was scrounging for himself. 2) Last week was the first weeknights Monday and Tuesday that I wasn't home to cook and hadn't had the chance to grocery shop yet either and H said something and was annoyed then about the food situation. I think he is so used to the schedule and routine of me grocery shopping and keeping food in the house and cooking now and he likes it, so how it's gonna be for him when I'm not there soon is definitely gonna be funny.
For me to be as consistent and habitual with the groceries, cooking and cleaning has been a big change for me because for years I really neglected that part of my responsibility as a wife. We would always eat fast food or order out and H would often even have to pick it up for me and bring home on his way home from working late while I had been at home just watching tv. I knew H also resented it because I am a good cook and would often make stuff for other people for parties and gatherings but then not for him. The house would be a wreck and H would often have to start the laundry just to get me in gear to get things done.
When we moved to the place we are living in now, just prior to the "bomb", I had already outlined to H my goals to change these habits and had already started doing so. Alas, then came the "bomb" and through our separation we came to an agreement that instead of me paying H rent that I could in exchange continue to buy the groceries, cook, and clean as my contribution. Early on in my DBing, doing these types of things used to carry a prideful sense of wifely duty that I felt good about taking care of him and the household needs. I guess I still kind of held an emotional attachment to doing these things. Funny now though how it has evolved into merely a business transaction or duty with less and less of any other types of feelings being associated. It's basically just another job to me now.
Me-34 XH-33 No Kids We were M-12Y T-15Y 5/09 Same house-separate bedrooms 01/10 I filed for D / H moved out 09/16/10 Divorced
