As of June of this year we were slowly working towards reconciliation with Halloween being the date he promised to be home. Well he did not come home and the day after Halloween (after I again used the kids against him, restricting him from Halloween until he made a decision) he said his answer was divorce.
Did you badger him into that deadline? Let him know how that made you feel, him not following thru. "When you promised to be home by Halloween and did not follow thru it made me feel _______________."
Read up on baoundaries and validating.
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The Physical Touch I cannot do, as he will not allow right now, because he does not want to lead me on in any way.
But you can lead him on.
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he has stated that he needs more than anything some time to NOT have to think about us. He says he does not see how he can break the wall down he built up
Ask him, "How can I help you with that?" Listen, validate and follow thru.
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he cannot see forgiveness.
model forgiveness and mercy to him. point it out when you see an example of it. Where is his father? Bet he never was one to show compassion.
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He cannot "just force something and feel something that is not there and he doesn't know if it ever will be."
Validate. "I can understand/see how you could feel that way."
start running again - get your mileage up then find a marathon and start training (HalHigdon.com)
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I need help with how to deal with kids and visitation
Let him know you think it is important that he and your children have a strong and healthy relationship. You want to come up with a plan where the kids and him spend more time together. Ask for his thoughts.
Be FUN around him, make yourself irresistable to him, be a great Mom, build him up with WOA.
Goals - 180s GAL activities- act as if-
If you are here you have to lead. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@Coach: Thanks so much! As much as I KNOW all that - hearing it from other REALLY helps.
I ran in two half marathons in the last year and a half - stopping the running after. Need to make it a permanent part of life.
His father is non-existent. Gone before he was a year old I believe. He has shown some interest in maybe finding him... but it is not something I have pushed. Not sure how much his mother had to so with keeping him away. His mother is sort of a bitter, lonely woman - married and divorced several times.
I absolutely badgered him. I was relentless and he knows how much it has hurt me that he did not follow thru. When I cried to him telling him I wanted real change for us - real happiness. I wanted to be a better person - his answer was "THEN DO IT" - I felt I have been with the money, etc - it has not been enough.
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
He has never seen forgiveness, he doesn't know how's it's done.
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I was relentless and he knows how much it has hurt me that he did not follow thru.
you need to let him know how you feel - name the emotion. Be more descriptive than hurt. Don't mind read for him, you don't know what he thinks or feels. If you want to know then ask.
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I felt I have been with the money, etc - it has not been enough.
Mind reading again. really did he tell you that it wasn't enough? If so your response should be, "OK, what would be enough for you?"
Google Imago dialouge.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I googled it, and plan on reading up more on it. Mirroring, Validation and Empathy - all things I have never done. It had ALWAYS been who is more to blame. Me repeating OVER AND OVER everything I think he did to get us where we are and him doing the same to me. Neither of us ever backing down.
Right now he wants space and a break from talking about it. He is convinced we would never work and he cannot forgive. Would it be a good idea to try talking now? Or wait for opportunities to arise and handle them better this time?
I plan on truly trying to forgive him for the past 5 years!!!
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I will google that. I plan on taking action. Just confused on whether I should allow him to keep coming and going with the kids - or force him to really feel what a separation is. I have never made him feel that.
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
Just confused on whether I should allow him to keep coming and going with the kids - or force him to really feel what a separation is.
you have been seperated for 4 yrs, you can't force something now. How about come up with a agreement that is win-win-win? Good for him, the kids and you.
Wouldn't it be a 180 for you to get his input and work together?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
@Coach: Yes, that would be a 180. I will put some thought into that.
I was thinking about doing the Phone Coaching - paying for a session. I can afford to do so in the budget right now. He can still see the account online though. Wondering if that would be a fight. That is me spending money. Is the coaching worth it?
I am sure I could say it was for counseling to deal with the hurt and disappointment from him not coming home. He himself paid for counseling for himself to try and "make his decision."
Me - 33 Him - 37 2 Children (D-8, S-5) Married 04/28/01 He Left 12/03/05 Updated Story
Doesn't matter, (your trying to mind read again). Simple test - If I do this will it help me reach my goals? Do the right thing and don't worry about what everybody else thinks.
Listen to what you say.....
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I am sure I could say it was for counseling to deal with the hurt and disappointment from him not coming home.
Is that the truth? You are trying to blame him. Sounds like you are saying, "well I wouldn't have had to get counseling if you didn't hurt me." Would that be productive? Help you reach your goals?
How about you do the DB coaching because you think it will help you. You would not do it for or because of him but because it's good for you.
I think the DB coach would be wise for you. It's your choice. Nobody is going to make you, you are a victim if someone makes you when really you have lots of opportunities.
Put the focus of your efforts on yourself. You only control your thoughts, actions and words. Be responsible for your own happiness. You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was thinking about doing the Phone Coaching - paying for a session. I can afford to do so in the budget right now. He can still see the account online though. Wondering if that would be a fight. That is me spending money. Is the coaching worth it?
I can tell you that the charge as it appears on your statement does not connect to DivorceBusting.com or Michele-Weiner Davis in any way; IIRC, it comes up as "MWD Training" or something like that.
I was happy with my first coaching session, and have a followup session tomorrow morning.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
