Getting Un"Stuck" - Giving My Burden to God

[MrBond]

Any of the WAWs out there think that they would have been okay with their LBS going out and dating?

[confusedinpa]

Stuck,

In my craziness, she said the couple of weeks before she moved out that I would find someone else and forget about her. Little did I know that back then that is what she had done (been cheating on me and was preparing to start a new life with this guy that dumped her 2 months later). I had asked her if that was what I wanted or was afraid of. I remember she wouldn't look me in the eye when she said she didn't know. I thought it was out of hurt back then. Now I see it was out of guilt

Ironically, about 6 weeks ago, I had started hanging out with someone that I had really clicked with. I felt guilty in the first week as it was pretty clear where it may lead. I had thought about telling my WAW as I was technically still married. I didn't. Anyway, 2 weeks ago, my friend and I are now ex-friends. It's a shame as we had clicked so well before we started to take it to the next level. I wished we had kept it as just friends since it was really what I needed, but we let the relationship grow too fast I guess.

Who knows what would have happened if I told my WAW. Don't know. Don't care. Personally it would have just fueled her fire to justify getting a D.

Best of luck to you brother. I wish you well.

[aliveandkicking]

Any of the WAWs out there think that they would have been okay with their LBS going out and dating?

Forgive me for saying, I think you are looking for something you wont find. You have to decide what is okay for you. There is no answer. WAW could be okay with it one minute and then two months later throw it back in your face.

[Steve McQueen]

Since it's been brought up many times here I figure I'd just throw it out. When the WAS says to go ahead and find someone that will make the LBS happy, do they really mean it?

It means they want to find out how good a DB'er you really are, and they are sick of being stuck in this holding pattern you keep them in.

In that, unless they are emotionally dead to you, which means you are in love with a memory and addicted to a lost cause, they will feel loss, and jealousy and a desire to win you back as soon as they feel someone else is the object of your attention and that they may have lost you forever. Prehaps, you know the feeling?

Do you know what the OP really represents? A challenge, a chase, something that appears obtainable but may never truely be gotten and can be so easily lost. A need to attract, and pursue, and fantasize about. At the present you may offer none of that. Your spouse has told you what they want. They want a challenge from you. They want to feel the same emotions again that they felt when the two of you first met. That 'captivation' of their thoughts that you produced before you were caught; the same emotions they feel from somebody else either over the Internet, (the written word is powerful. Shakespeare was no dummy), or at work (that closeness but not actually being able to be close), the emotions they feel chasing, and flirting with, and learning about someone. The rush of those endorphins produces an incredible high.

Maybe you were never very good at reading or understanding what your wife was telling you. Maybe you will never be very good at texas holdem. They told you exactly what they want wearing their best poker face. They want to chase, be challenged, be interested in something new and different. A different you, one that may care less and reeks of seductive behavior. Realize however, they will not bluff you forever and soon being stuck in a relationship where needs and desires are not met one becomes exhausted if not disgusted and will give up.

Competition. You hear so often here to 'outshine' the other man. Have you ever observed the female prespective of this? If not, Happy Friday, go out to a hopping bar tonight you will understand.

Tell me you cant do that. Your vows are too important to you. But on the path you are taking now your wife may be giving those same vows to someone else a couple years down the road. What are vows worth then? About the cost of a couple bottles of hand lotion? Call it High Schoolish. Well have you ever taught about this from your spouses point of view? Probably not. It may just be those high school age emotions of puppy love and discovery that they are looking for. That you forgot how to invoke a long long time ago.

Think about it. Think about what your spouse is telling you and listen and understand for a change. They dont love you because they signed a piece of paper; they love you because of how you make them feel about themselves. They are missing something that they get from their interactions with someone else, chase, competition, challenge. They just told you Venusian.

[MrBond]

cipa,

Sorry to hear that. Didn't know you had a special friend. Hope you can still get that back. In your case, I think it would have served as a wake up call to your W because she's been very emotional and has always looked at you to validate her sucky life.

If you had shown someone else was interested in you but not really be in your face about it, I think she would have come back.

But if you're like me, you probably would have felt like a hypocrite for doing so. Tough thing to juggle but I think if it helps you one way or the other, you should do it.

[smith18]

When the WAS says that you should date, I think it helps to relieve some of their guilt feelings.

You should date only if you are done. Dating to make your W jealous as a means to get her to change is not the path you should take.

I started dating before my D was final when I decided I was done wanting my marriage to be saved. My wife had said early on following the bomb that she wanted me to date. She tried to ask for a second chance right before the D was final and tried to make me feel guilty that I was dating someone. So, from my perspective, she may have said one thing, but in the end it was not what she really wanted.

[MrBond]

aliveandkicking,

Too true. I could see myself doing it in my case if it wasn't for this dumb thing called a conscience that keeps bugging me. : )

Funny how our sitches sometimes make us magnets for members of the opposite sex.

[MrBond]

steve mcqueen,

Always loved your name. Ultra cool.

yep I've come up with the same analysis in the past. Right now I'm just DBing by going out with female friends and whatnot. In my sitch, my W has given the impression of being totally emotionally checked out. But whatever. How she feels is not my concern. I only get involved when it has to deal with my Ds.

For me the tightrope walk is not being a hypocrite in my own eyes. Not hers. So right now I'm keeping my friends...friends but leaving the door open to see whatever happens at a natural progression.

Thanks for the reminder.

[MrBond]

kerry,

Thanks for the input. I remember you telling me that before. Right now it's that fine line of ethics that I have that's holding me back from going all the way. This is Divorce Busting after all.

I'm not even concerned about my W finding out, because quite frankly she never asks what I'm doing or am up to. Heck she barely asks the girls what they are doing when they're with me. So different from the way she used to be.

Getting the attention from members of the opposite sex is definitely a plus though.

[aliveandkicking]

Heck she barely asks the girls what they are doing when they're with me. So different from the way she used to be.

This doesn't necessarily mean what you think it does. For me, and yes my sitch is different, but I stopped probing in any way because I really wanted to deal with the reality of being separated and not torture myself with that which I cannot control. I care very deeply but I know it is inappropriate and unhealthy to put my energy into H's time with or without the kids.

I am not saying it is the same with your W but I do think you are really spinning yourself trying to figure her out.

You may be better off asking her directly if you want a remotely accurate response...(though we know how that goes).

My H asked me why I don't seem to care and I told him. Different sitch, but I'm trying to make a broader point.