How do I get full transparency without being told that I'm being over-controlling, drowning, pushing, etc?
MTN, I reject your premise. Your goal isn't to get no-contact and full transparency "without being told" ANYTHING. Your goal is to get it -- PERIOD.
If she says you're being "controlling," you say "I have no desire to control you. YOU can do whatever you wish. Just know that I won't live in a marriage in which my wife is having an affair, and lying to me about it. MY WIFE will be loyal, and honest, and will take her vows seriously. Whether or not YOU'RE THAT WIFE is COMPLETELY up to you, however."
Your basic response/position is, "I'm sorry you feel that way; I'm just telling you what I need in order to feel safe."
