I don't have children myself but I do understand to some extent the pain of parents divorcing for a child. I was in my late teens when my parents divorced and it was confusing for me so I cant imagine what it must feel like to a 5yo.
That being said you have to consider what sort of precedent and example you are setting FOR your little girl. Do you want her to think it is okay for a married couple to sleep in separate rooms, live together in the same house and date? Is that how you want her views of marriage and partnership to be shaped? She may only be 5 but children have amazing powers of observation and while she might view things in a simplistic way she *will* begin to think this is how marriage works.
My parents had marriage issues my entire life and to be it was normal for a married couple to behave as my parents did. In fact, when I would be at friends houses who had "normal" parents it seemed odd to me. So your daughter may go through some initial heartbreak and there is counseling for that but you must consider the long term damage to her views on marriage, respect and partnerships.
All WAS's are selfish. It doesn't matter what is at stake... children, money, a family, a home.... they don't care.
I went hardcore on my H once he dropped the bomb and I found out about his affair. Like Robx, I helped him pack his things and sent him on his way. When he came over one day FOUR hours late and watched the clock until it was time to go meet his GF that was the end of him being allowed in MY home. When he put me on hold to take a call from his GF that ended him be allowed to CALL ME and he was regulated to e-mail only that I responded to at my leisure.
Now, I have been in my situation for close to 2 years and the legalities were supposed to be done on 10/30/09 but as per usual my H put a wrench in that at the 11th hour. So my stance is not quite as pain filled as it used to be. But even when I was in a state of shock and filled with pain and more anger than I have EVER experienced in my life I made myself perfectly clear.
A WAS who is involved with an OP should be given NO leeway IMO. You want out and you want OP, fine, go have him/her but you wont be doing it under MY roof and you will accept the full consequences of your actions. That doesn't mean you should be ugly, unkind, threatening or anything else unpleasant. It means you need to be firm and unwavering in the most polite and civil fashion possible.
I am about to go hardcore again as I have an appt. with my attny at 3pm. My WAS who has now been having an affair for 20 months will no longer call the shots legally or emotionally for me.
Hardcore doesn't suggest being nasty. Its to take control of your life because I for one will NOT allow my WAS and his GF to continue to wreak havoc on MY life. They can go play all they like but in the meantime *I* will handle this properly for ME.
A WAS in an affair will throw more BS, excuses, justifications and cliches than you ever thought possible to come from one human being. In fact, its rather impressive what they can come up with.
You don't have to be done but you do have to change how you approach things.
It seems that way unfortunately... this part is not as easy because of our 5 year old daughter. We have not told her what is going on. It will tear her world apart once she finds out. We have both been good parents to her, and I can say that my wife has been an excellent mother to her, no complaints in that department. With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
I think you answered your own question if you read it.
Your wife also knows you have a daughter, also knows how this will affect her and is still going through with pursuing other men. So to answer your question, your daughter shouldn't suffer but you're not going to be able shield her from what's happening, she will find out from you or your wife that you guys aren't going to be together anymore.
With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
The best thing for your daughter is for mom to sit her down and explain why she is leaving. And you need to be there so it doesn't become a case of "we decided to...".
You do not deserve to become a doormat for the sake of your daughter. All you're showing her is that it's okay for people you "love" to disrespect you. (And she will find out the whole story, someday.)
Yup!
Children learn by actions not by what you tell them, they're tiny little recorders, she will mimic your actions, including having respect for yourself or being a doormat, I guess you get to choose which one she should act more like. That part is YOUR choice.
It seems that way unfortunately... this part is not as easy because of our 5 year old daughter. We have not told her what is going on. It will tear her world apart once she finds out. We have both been good parents to her, and I can say that my wife has been an excellent mother to her, no complaints in that department. With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
Not any more. She is currently no longer a good mother. Your daughter will suffer if you allow this to carry on. Time to step up for yourself and your daughter. Some short term pain.
Not only will you be setting ground rules for now. But, if you two work this out you have boundaries in place and you know how to enforce them.
Keep the path your going. What happens. You break down. She will come at you hard because you have let her. She has no respect for your marriage , family and you.
Trust me this is going to get very difficult. And 2 to 5 weeks from now you will have had enough of the mental abuse. You will stand up and kick her out. Or you will put your tail between your legs and leave.
Why not use this time to show her what life will be like without a loving 5 year old daughter and 2overcome.
Cutter are you filling in for puppy while he's away?
I don't have children myself but I do understand to some extent the pain of parents divorcing for a child. I was in my late teens when my parents divorced and it was confusing for me so I cant imagine what it must feel like to a 5yo.
That being said you have to consider what sort of precedent and example you are setting FOR your little girl. Do you want her to think it is okay for a married couple to sleep in separate rooms, live together in the same house and date? Is that how you want her views of marriage and partnership to be shaped? She may only be 5 but children have amazing powers of observation and while she might view things in a simplistic way she *will* begin to think this is how marriage works.
My parents had marriage issues my entire life and to be it was normal for a married couple to behave as my parents did. In fact, when I would be at friends houses who had "normal" parents it seemed odd to me. So your daughter may go through some initial heartbreak and there is counseling for that but you must consider the long term damage to her views on marriage, respect and partnerships.
All WAS's are selfish. It doesn't matter what is at stake... children, money, a family, a home.... they don't care.
I went hardcore on my H once he dropped the bomb and I found out about his affair. Like Robx, I helped him pack his things and sent him on his way. When he came over one day FOUR hours late and watched the clock until it was time to go meet his GF that was the end of him being allowed in MY home. When he put me on hold to take a call from his GF that ended him be allowed to CALL ME and he was regulated to e-mail only that I responded to at my leisure.
Now, I have been in my situation for close to 2 years and the legalities were supposed to be done on 10/30/09 but as per usual my H put a wrench in that at the 11th hour. So my stance is not quite as pain filled as it used to be. But even when I was in a state of shock and filled with pain and more anger than I have EVER experienced in my life I made myself perfectly clear.
A WAS who is involved with an OP should be given NO leeway IMO. You want out and you want OP, fine, go have him/her but you wont be doing it under MY roof and you will accept the full consequences of your actions. That doesn't mean you should be ugly, unkind, threatening or anything else unpleasant. It means you need to be firm and unwavering in the most polite and civil fashion possible.
I am about to go hardcore again as I have an appt. with my attny at 3pm. My WAS who has now been having an affair for 20 months will no longer call the shots legally or emotionally for me.
Hardcore doesn't suggest being nasty. Its to take control of your life because I for one will NOT allow my WAS and his GF to continue to wreak havoc on MY life. They can go play all they like but in the meantime *I* will handle this properly for ME.
A WAS in an affair will throw more BS, excuses, justifications and cliches than you ever thought possible to come from one human being. In fact, its rather impressive what they can come up with.
You don't have to be done but you do have to change how you approach things.
Listen to this woman, she's a "city girl", she knows what she's talking about!
Looks like I have a lot of tough decisions to make... and I need to get my mind and emotions in the right frame... It will take a lot of praying that's for sure and seeking out God. Truth be told I'm a broken man, I'm a mess, and the pain of all this is more than I can bear... Some people say to take things day by day, but I have been doing good to take it hour by hour. It hasn't even been a full week since she dropped the bomb on me. And truthfully I know what's going on, but I don't think it's fully set in yet... No one said this would be easy, and I know I got a long road ahead of me - 1,000 miles and I've only moved an inch
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
It seems that way unfortunately... this part is not as easy because of our 5 year old daughter. We have not told her what is going on. It will tear her world apart once she finds out. We have both been good parents to her, and I can say that my wife has been an excellent mother to her, no complaints in that department. With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
Not any more. She is currently no longer a good mother. Your daughter will suffer if you allow this to carry on. Time to step up for yourself and your daughter. Some short term pain.
Not only will you be setting ground rules for now. But, if you two work this out you have boundaries in place and you know how to enforce them.
Keep the path your going. What happens. You break down. She will come at you hard because you have let her. She has no respect for your marriage , family and you.
Trust me this is going to get very difficult. And 2 to 5 weeks from now you will have had enough of the mental abuse. You will stand up and kick her out. Or you will put your tail between your legs and leave.
Why not use this time to show her what life will be like without a loving 5 year old daughter and 2overcome.
Cutter are you filling in for puppy while he's away?
Looks like I have a lot of tough decisions to make... and I need to get my mind and emotions in the right frame... It will take a lot of praying that's for sure and seeking out God. Truth be told I'm a broken man, I'm a mess, and the pain of all this is more than I can bear... Some people say to take things day by day, but I have been doing good to take it hour by hour.
That is why God is there.
I would go to your church and see if they have any men's groups. Our church has something called a Stephen Ministry, which is fellow lay people acting as sounding boards and offering encouragement. You might see if your church, or one in your area, has such a ministry.
Originally Posted By: 2overcome
It hasn't even been a full week since she dropped the bomb on me. And truthfully I know what's going on, but I don't think it's fully set in yet... No one said this would be easy, and I know I got a long road ahead of me - 1,000 miles and I've only moved an inch
Only a week? Holy crap, you are in prime DB'ing time!
The faster you can turn yourself around, the easier it may be to recover ground.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Looks like I have a lot of tough decisions to make... and I need to get my mind and emotions in the right frame... It will take a lot of praying that's for sure and seeking out God. Truth be told I'm a broken man, I'm a mess, and the pain of all this is more than I can bear... Some people say to take things day by day, but I have been doing good to take it hour by hour. It hasn't even been a full week since she dropped the bomb on me. And truthfully I know what's going on, but I don't think it's fully set in yet... No one said this would be easy, and I know I got a long road ahead of me - 1,000 miles and I've only moved an inch
I remember that feeling.
I also remember a day when an internal switch inside me flipped, something that finally registered how badly I was being treated and that my young children were witnessing this regularly (at the time they were 4 & 6) and it just wasn't right - my kids were going to repeat the same mistakes and go through the same pain and that made me angry and that's what you need to feel, you need to get past your own pain, you need to allow that protector inside you to feel how your children will feel if this happens to them, that feeling will make you angry and want to protect them and you will finally realize that the only way to protect them is to show them that you will protect yourself and not allow someone to use/abuse/violate you because that's what they will learn from you.
So my question is, when are you going to flip that switch inside you that says "enough is enough".
