I have been finding that the combination of the following 3 thoughts helps me the most:
1) Accept the truth. The M is over. My W does not love me and does not want to try. She truly believes the best thing for her is to leave the M. I can not change this or control it. "I am already divorced, it just hasn't happened yet"
2) Don't take it personally - Have Compassion. My W does not want this. She did not choose it. She is not doing this to hurt me, or out of malice. She is doing this because to her it is the only option available. She is as sad about the end of the M as I am. She is in more pain than I am.
3) Where there is change, there is opportunity.: This is an opportunity for me to move and grow and build a better life. In the end, I will be happier than I would have been otherwise. (I have a list of things that will be better in any future R, with Mrs. Thinker or someone else)
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Yes, you will be happier. And you will find a woman who will be happy with you. It will happen sooner than you imagine. I don't see the same for Mrs. Thinker. She may have short bursts of happy times, but I see her being unhappy wherever she goes.
Yes, Thinker, to hope or assert that someone will be perpetually unhappy isn't really a great place to be. I'm glad you can wish her happiness (especially seeing as she is the mother of your kids). Hopefully, she will seek help if/when she loses that which is truly most valuable.
At the airport heading home. Not really looking forward to being back. Traveling was a bit of a break from reality.
Not at all sure what being home again will be like.
It will be however you think it will be.
Make it great for yourself and the boys.
BE + DO = HAVE
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't know what I am doing here and now. I don't know whether I am fighting my way out of Limbo, or simply letting my emotions and lack of patience run away with me.
I got back from my week away to a happy, pleasant (even affectionate) Mrs. Thinker and a happy set of kids. In fact, the weekend was pretty nice.
I quickly found my level of detachment spiraling downward...
I am finding it just too hard to be fully aware of the state of my M, and be sleeping in the same bed as Mrs. Thinker at the same time. Sunday night was difficult for me, and last night was hell. I wake up in the middle of the night, can feel her move nearby, and instantly want to reach out and connect. My desire collides with the knowledge that any physical contact with her will be rejected, and those two psychological forces tear me up mentally.
I need some space.
Last night, I had to get up at 3am, and sat down and wrote for a while, trying to collect my thoughts. What do I want - from among the list of realistic possibilities?
I composed it in the form of a letter to my W (which I shredded). In it I wrote that:
I have been thinking about this for a while, and have come to some conclusions:
I accept that she has detached herself from me physically and emotionally. As a consequence, however, I have decided that I have to do the same. I have been doing this. I need to separate from her, physically and emotionally.
I request that she move into the guest room
I can't continue the emotional ups and downs. I have to separate myself from any physical affection with her. This means no snuggling, hugs, massages, sex, etc.
I am proceeding with the D process, and request that she begin meeting with a mediator with me.
I think we should begin talking to the kids, not yet to tell them we are d'ing, but to talk to them about the tension between us, and to make sure they know it is not their fault.
After I had written it out, I got back into bed. This woke my W. "Why were you up?" "I couldn't sleep. I was thinking" "What were you thinking?" etc.
So I told her.
She didn't respond much. She pushed back on moving out a bit (if you want space, why don't YOU move out?) and then went silent - "I need to go back to sleep".
We continued the discussion today after her IC session. In summary.
I told her that the cold war we were in of both being miserable but not talking about it couldn't continue. She agreed.
I agreed with her that our M was not good and had not been in a long time.
She was upset and hurt by the fact that I didn't call while I was traveling last week.
She said "You're Angry. We're Both Angry". I said that yes, I had been angry, but realized that nothing she was doing was intended to hurt me, and that she was just doing what she had to do.
She has noticed that I have been detaching myself
She does not see any chance of ever being happy in our M.
In response to "What do you want?" she responded "I want to be married to someone who makes me happy."
She is very sad that our M is ending this way.
She does not see us staying married long term
She doesn't want to get D'd right now because "it is just too much loss at once" (Her mom is dying of cancer)
She believes she has been working on the M and trying everything possible, but "nothing can change the way I feel"
She agreed to move into the guest room
She agreed to start meeting with a mediator
So is this the right way forward? I don't know.
It is a way out of Limboland.
It is a way that I can assure an outcome - move forward.
She can no longer complain and claim that I am trapping her.
She can no longer hold to the line that I am unrealistically holding on to a dead M.
---
My only misgiving, my only second thoughts come around the tremendous family and personal stress she is under from her mothers health. When I think of this, the little voice inside me says "Don't push. Just back off and be patient. She's not capable of loving right now, so just control your expectations and wait"
Second Thoughts, Doubts... terrible things.
But I'm on the D Dragon.
Last edited by Thinker; 11/10/0906:15 PM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
I love to hear your compassion toward your wife as expressed by your reluctance to pile emotional trauma on emotional trauma re: her mom's health. It's a beautiful thing.
But equally, it's beautiful (or at least, mature) to have a good honest handle on your personal limits. If it's regularly and significantly damaging your emotional and mental health to sleep next to her ... which is sounds like it is .... it's GOOD that you have moved to change that.
So, you have made a change. She will not be sleeping in the same bed; you will not be participating in gestures of affection (at least, that's what I assume from what you wrote.) As you say, all of a sudden she can't claim it's all you you you holding on like a pit bull.
I'd be inclined to sit with that much change for awhile; see where it takes both of you. The problem with making too many changes at once is it gets really hard to interpert your data when your situation either improves or devolves. (Not that you can accurately interpret anyhow -- too many everyday life variables -- but a bunch of change at once makes it even messier. IMHO.)
Nice to see you back; well, you know what I mean.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
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