Scared and need advice

[LookingFrAnswers]

So I sent the reply except didn't ask @ finding another time. He replied

"we need to come up with a plan on how we're going to proceed."

Here's my question: Do I confront him about OW? I know from the credit card & bank statements that he moved.

Or just say we'll let the L's handle. I feel like my anger be hard to control if we meet. Any input is appreciated. Thanks.

[Laurie]

Hi LFA,
Please update as I thought you have lawyers handling the process at this point, so what is your H's need to meet with you? Did you get an email about what your H wants to discuss with you?

Also, you have a question about confronting your H about the OW. What is your hope for the outcome if you confront your H about the OW? Would it be to let him know your awareness of the situation, to get him to acknowledge it, or something else?

LFA, Iknow you are really just getting questions from me at this point! I'll try to be more helpful with my next post!

(I am glad you discovered the emotioncons!)

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Laurie,
Thank you for looking in! Well Ls aren't handling yet b/c I have just finished filling out the paper work for the L. It has taken so long, I have been doing it on & off for a month. It makes me ill to work on it so I have been avoiding it during this long dark spell by H. Bad I know. But I called L on Monday to let her know I wasn’t sure about all the questions & she just said if she needs something not on there she'll ask me. I don’t think I ever told H the Ls would handle from now on, as he didn't contact me for over a month. Any suggestions you have for how I can put this back on him are appreciated. I know I am not handling this well.

You are right, why am worried about meeting H? I can see I am not yet in control of my feelings. On Sunday, I felt I need to set a boundary about his requests. Here's an update of our email exchange:

From me to him: "When you text or email me that you want to meet the next day, after no communication for a month, I feel disrespected. I am not always able to meet at a the time you want, so more alternatives would be helpful. I appreciate your letting me know about the payment."

From him to me: "I didn't intend to disrespect you. I hadn't contacted you in a month because you last said that you were still interviewing lawyers and I wanted to give you time to find one you were comfortable with. My wanting to talk to you wasn't a demand, just a suggested time. I understand it was short notice and I understand if you're busy. That being said, I think it's time that we sit down and talk this through. Maybe we can get together next Sunday if that works for you. Please let me know."

I really backpedaled on this reply: "OK, sorry, I misunderstood your message. Thanks for explaining. I think Sunday may be OK depending on what time, I will let you know this week. I agree we should figure things out."

Argghhh! What was I thinking! 2 x 4's welcome. Laurie, I keep messing up. What I wanted to convey was that I am not resisting the D but I really don’t want to meet because. 1. I don't trust him 2. It upsets me to see himPlease help me. I really need some good advice.

Re: Confronting about the OW, guess it’s because I have had much anger about what he’s apparently done and hasn't told me (moved etc.) But he hasn’t told me much of anything the past 6 mos. so this is no surprise. Yet our finances are still together. I know we need to separate them now. Remember you asked me once if an A was a deal breaker, & couldn't say. Well based on the evidence I have of his move I feel like it is. I know he's not about to tell me. It just makes me so angry that he thinks I'm too dumb to figure it out or just won't do anything about it. Not a good reason to confront is it? What can I do, except tell him we need to separate the finances now & I am turning my L paperwork & if we need to meet after that my L will contact his. Your input is SO welcome!
Thanks Laurie ((((hugs))))

[LookingFrAnswers]

OK, Update. I have FINALLY sent in my L paperwork, ughh! Wed. I cried all through the process of finishing it. Then something happened yesterday - I went into business mode, finished it & sent it off w an updating email to L. I told her H wanted to meet but seeing him upsets me. She replied that there was no reason not to meet to discuss what he has in mind on division of property, and was concerned that our finances are still together. And she & I should meet after I talk to H.

I know, it hit me this a.m. I don't even know where he's living (not exactly - pretty good idea who he's living with) yet he has access to all the $ I have in the world! I know that I didn't want to contact him as he was gone dark but I need to handle this now. Karen warned me mos. ago.

So, I am agreeing to meet to remedy this at our meeting, tomorrow. Then, anything else he wants to talk about will be through the Ls. I have my own cr. card, he needs to get 1 too. And stop putting anything on the joint one. It's at an all time high. Ugghhh! Also opening up a checking acct. in my name today.

Saw my IC yesterday, & what she said is true for me: I have to do this in my own time. This ordeal has really done a number on my belief in myself, & one of my goals is to right that. To be the best I can be. That means sticking up for myself. I am so grateful for my DB coach & all the advice on this board, whether directed at me or not. It is such a great support. Thanks to every one of you, & wish a happy weekend!
LFA

[PainfulDusk]

((LFA)) Glad you got ur paperwork done sweety. How did ur meeting with H go? You sound a LOT better btw. =)

Protecting yourself legally and financially is important.

On confronting the OW issue. Dont. Act like she doesnt even exist. Yea I know, kills me too sometimes, but my h has actually stopped mentioning her and took her pic off his profile pic. Ignore her.
HUGS!

Dusk

[LookingFrAnswers]

Thanks Dusk! It went pretty well, as good as possible I guess meaning from my frame of mind. Somehow I pysched myself up for it. I read some good posts, like Rocked World that really pumped me for it! I tried to look my best - decided Sat. morning to wear red (a "power" color I hear )& I knew what I wanted to talk about. Knowing I have the L hired is a pretty big relief. I let H know I don't want to keep staying in the house, that I would like the dogs, and that we need to separate finances ASAP. And I would be going off the cell phone "family" plan.

He hesitantly made the suggestion that I move in w my sister & brother (they inherited our Mom's house after she died). Well that has been a thought for me but far from decided.

So I was irritated to read this email today: "Do you have any kind of time frame as to when you might move to sister's? I don't mean that as any kind of pressure but I think Virginia wants to put that in the separation agreement. Again, it's something we can change in the agreement but we should get something in writing." Sorry but I don't care what his L wants to put in the S agrmt. I am sending this to my L & see what she thinks.

What a strange new reality this is. Thanks for the advice, Dusk. You are right of course. I decided the mtg. needed to stay on "business" stuff no R/M talk. So glad to have you & this board to keep me on track. Hope I can help do the same for you. I am really trying to focus on my life, and make the best decisions for me, not based on anyones' timeline, and I dont' want any one who doesn't want me.

[PainfulDusk]

Im so behind! wow. You moving to your sisters has what exactly to do with him? Why is he so insistent on you going there? Me , being the stubborn one I can be sometimes, wouldnt go anywhere. and I would scowl at him and not say a dam word. (Ok maybe I have some things to work on.)

I hope ur doing well hon, I saw ur posts on my sitch and ty sooo much!
That whole Moving to ur sisters suggestion makes me suspicious.

(((((((((L F A)))))))))

Dusk

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hey Dusk,
I'm the one SO far behind! Am only able to log on at work, & been so busy - going to look into getting a laptop, can't stand having no comp. access at home! Thanks for your msg.

Yeah, it really made me suspicous too. But as far as me moving, that is my decision. I've been living there alone since March, so I've been thinking @ what I want to do for a loooong time. It's my long term decision that I don't want to keep living in that house, w all its problems & expenses, it's far from my family, I don't want the responsibilities etc. etc. BUT when I'm ready. And if I had the ideal place to move I'd probably go now. But I don't. So he just has to wait. Plus we have to figure the finances - I'm not paying 1/2 the mortgage + my own rent!! I really don't care what his L wants to put in the S agrmt. What kind of L represents her sister's married boyfriend in a D??? WTF??? Pardon my abbreviation! Yeah, I'm glad I have an L, and until I know where I'll move & how I can afford to I am staying put. Thanks for checking in PD. Always great to hear from you. I am going to try to login this weekend & check in on you. Hope you're feeling well & continuing to be strong! Hope you have something fun planned for T-Giving! Talk to you soon (((((Dusk)))))

[LookingFrAnswers]

I wish I could say I had a happy Thanksgiving but I let a letter from my L ruin it. I knew it was coming, just not on Thanksgiving (was delivered Wed). It's the draft sep. agrmt. My reaction caught me off guard. I cried last night. I still haven't looked at it yet. I will, Maybe not til Monday though. It just makes everything more real, and I'm not looking forward to reading it. Anyway, I need to find something fun to do tomorrow & or Sun. I worked today & am not doing too good at GALing. I know this doesn't count as GALing but I did buy some goodies for myself online today I hope everyone had a nice T giving.

[ClingingToHope]

I haven't chimed in before, but I thought I would here. I'm really sorry you received that paperwork the day before Thanksgiving.

My W told me back on Oct. 22 that she'd be "filing soon" and every day I wonder if today is the day. In fact, I got a call from the front desk at work that there was someone downstairs to see me and I refused to go down until I got a name.

All my friends tell me I'm doing great yet I'm still scared of the start of the actual process.