We had a long talk about 2 weeks ago. It was a good talk, but he continued to reiterate what he always says--he doesn't know why he feels like he does. I told him that love was something you share with someone, something you give. You can't just sit around waiting to feel something--just give and see what happens. I wasn't sure this was sinking in, so I told him this--for the next week I would show him how that worked.
All of that week, I worked on showing love to him, more than I had in a long time. It really made me aware that I too had not been giving. So I gave. It had an interesting effect on me. It made me FEEL more loving toward him as well.
But I also realized something else. Nothing was coming back to me. I was loving a wall. I was just as alone as ever, even though he seemed to appreciate it. It became really clear to me that I am the only thing holding up any relationship.
A few days ago I hit a crisis point and I went and told him I needed TO KNOW--no more "I don't know's"--why he can't bring himself to be any way physically intimate with me. He promised to take it to therapy and get back to me.
Last night he got back to me. He and his therapist talked it over in depth, and he "thinks" this is the answer. When his mother died (almost 5 years ago) he was left with a void in his life, a huge void. He may have looked to me to meet needs (nurturing needs, I don't know?) that she had met for him. Somehow, in that quagmire, his sexual interest shut off, or I somehow failed to meet his needs (not being his mother) and he shut off, or . . .. Or my other theory now--that he was always married to his mother first (a widow from his early childhood)and that our relationship was somehow something else. His mother was always a very big part of his life. I didn't always like it, but I respected him for taking such care of her.
His therapist thought it was important for him to tell me that this problem is his; it does effect US, but it's nothing I did wrong, it's not because of me.
His therapist outlined 3 basic options for him now. 1--stay as is and try to get his life sorted out. 2--separate, take a break, and work on his crap, and see if he can be fixed and ever be the man to make me happy. 3--divorce now.
DH, being a pleaser, wanted to know what I wanted to do. I could hear in his words that he and the therapist had devoted some time to this separation idea, because he could tell me that it meant he would get an apartment, and it wouldn't change any of his responsibilities (he would still drive the boys to high school 30 minutes away on his way into work.) I told him I really did not think more distance was going to help this relationship right now.
I'm so angry right now. I'm angry, and so deeply disappointed in him and in myself for being such an idiot. I know that he is a soul in pain and he can't help being human. But I thought so much better of him than that. I always knew all the way to my soul that we were forever, 100%. I knew that what we had together was worth so much more than that. But what I hear now is that what I thought we had together was in my own head, not his. Because what we had evidently couldn't survive the death of his mother.
I've been unhappy for a long time. He has been an entrepreneur for 10 years, and thus working long hard hours with a lot of sacrifice at home. I blamed that for keeping him from being home, convincing myself that he would be home if he could be, and until he was able, I would be here holding down the fort, supporting him in his efforts, bearing my load for the good of the team.
I gave him 100% of my trust, loyalty, and support, because what we had--in my fantasy evidently--was worth it. I'm angry, disillusioned.
So, he's human. OK. Where do we go from here? Do we build a relationship based on reality and move on together? That sounds really great, but you know what? I'm too disillusioned to believe it now. One thing I can look back on about our courtship is this--I did the chasing. I wanted him really badly, and I worked hard to catch him. Yes, I got what I wanted. But he never had to make any effort in the relationship.
Once more, he has put the power in my hands--does he stay or go? I could keep him in the house by telling him that's what I want him to do, and then I could do all the work and maybe convince myself it was helping, but I'm afraid down the road it will just be more of the same. He will continue to come home after 8:30 missing dinner every night. I would go back to being the sole initiator of our sexual relationship which has been nonexistent for 18 months (since I told him he needed to make the next move on me.)
If he doesn't want this relationship all the way in his heart, then please tell me how this isn't a waste of my time and my life?
He tried to kiss me good night last night, because I looked like I 'needed a kiss.' I turned away from that. Our queen-sized bed was about 5 feet too narrow last night because I didn't want to be anywhere near him. This morning he wanted to hug me good morning and I turned away again. I told him I no longer want his pity hugs and kisses--which I've been begging for all year.
Before he left for work, I told him that I knew if I begged him to stay he would, but I also knew that it would most likely mean me doing all the work--as I have been the only one doing it for 17 years. I told him that if he wanted to be a part of this marriage, he would have to make his own decision and he would have work to do.
With an attitude like I've got today, I don't know if I belong here (on this forum) anymore. But it's how I feel right now. I'm so angry.
