Well, the talk didn't go down quite as I pictured it and we ended up talking over the phone. She knew something was up and asked what was going on. I told her we would talk about it when we get home. She wanted to talk then, so I told her what I was thinking about based on suggestions by rob and PDT. She said she was confused because I seemed fine about all this divorce stuff and why today it had changed. I told her then we would talk about this whole divorce situation when I get home because apparently some things weren't to clear at this point. Got home and talked, I didn't talk about the R, didn't say "I love you's" or anything, no begging or pleading. So the status is now we are seperated but living in the same house. We are not getting attornies involved or anything. We laid everything on the table, I told her that I will be better off, but in the sense that I will become a better person from this. I did impart some wisdom to her about how the grass is not always greener on the other side and we are responsible for our own happiness as an individual. I told her we both fell short in this area, and told her that if we don't love ourselves then how could we love anyone else. I did mentioned that I this wouldn't have been the route I would have chosen, but that just how I believe. I left it at that. I stayed calm the whole time, no crying, nothing... We remained civil during the whole conversation. I do however feel more empowered now. I know the pain is still there, but I know that now I that I can detach and move on with my life. And that is what I am doing. I am going to GAL. I am going to save myself and not my marriage. But with that thought and having that mindset, I may just save my marriage. I am going out tonight to watch some bands play, and I am focused on having a good time tonight. May even get some girls numbers just to boost up the esteem a little - (may not call mind you, maybe I will - who knows but that is my decision). My priorities now are to work on myself, GAL, have fun, pursue my dream of music and even maybe start a band. So that is where I am everyone.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
I guess in a sense of an open "marriage", I had put the boundaries up (about the dating)with the phone call I mentioned, but when I got home and we talked and cleared up exactly what was going on and that we are seperated - I am free to do whatever I want. That's where I'm at... I doubt I will be rushing into a serious relationship though - I am just going to have a good time
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
She expects you to have a tough time dealing with this since she is already in the process of moving on.
Nobody says to rush into a new serious relationship.
Now is the time for you get your poker face on.
What are the sleeping arrangements currently?
Do not leave the master bedroom and if you have, move back in and claim your bed. It's ok, you're allowed.
You shouldn't be sleeping together in the same bed anymore, if you have been you have tell her that it isn't right, you won't be comfortable and technically how comfortable could you be sleeping next to someone who has cheated on you & had an affair?
Ask her to move into another room or sleep on the couch.
Also, "OPEN" marriage, did you bring this up or did she? If she brought it up, did you agree to this?
You can't agree to an open marriage, you can agree to start moving on. You should also ask her when she plans to move out and offer to help her pack.
Quote:
I did impart some wisdom to her about how the grass is not always greener on the other side and we are responsible for our own happiness as an individual. I told her we both fell short in this area, and told her that if we don't love ourselves then how could we love anyone else. I did mentioned that I this wouldn't have been the route I would have chosen, but that just how I believe.
Why did you bother mentioning anything about this? The idea was to keep it short, not to have a discussion, this was your decision. Talking like this shows you care and that you're still emotionally involved on your end. Hello, what happened to the WAS mentality?
As for the part about not getting lawyers involved, are you trying to make it easy on her or you?
Finances? Hello?
Get a new chequing account at another bank, have your paycheques deposited there or just get a new account at the same bank but make sure only you have access.
Speak to her and tell her that you were talking to a friend and that he thought you should get a lawyer and draft up a separation agreement and that you won't be sharing a joint bank account anymore. You should also divy up the credit cards. You don't want to accumulate her debt - let me tell you something about the WAS, they tend to get very spendy, years of resentment breeds entitlement and usually at your expense, don't get in the situation of having to pay for her debt because she will expect it, especially if you've been a "nice" guy up to this point.
You also can stop telling her where you're going from now on. You should also get in the habit of going out more in the evenings when you can and stay out later too. It's friday night, you should get dressed up as if you're going out on a date (but don't say that you're going out on a date), get some new clothes, shoes, get the hair styled, put on the cologne, shave, shower, the whole bit - make it a production.
You have to show that you're moving on and part of that means seeing other people and leaving her behind.
At first she may only notice it but trust me, you do this enough and the idea will be clear to her and she won't like it.
Remember you are her 2nd option, think about it, no talk of divorce plans yet by her, no talk of lawyers yet by her, open marriage, she doesn't even have plans to move out yet?
Think about it this way, if things don't work out with her and her boyfriend(s), she will enjoy having you as the backup plan since you're such a "nice" guy and you've always been there.
remember she can do what she wants, but if she plans on spending time with other men, pursuing relationships with other men, being physical with other men, why would you tolerate her living in the same house with you?
What you are doing with what you've done so far is tolerating her disrespectful actions and that has to stop if you want to turn this thing around.
Don't you respect yourself?
What would you say to your kids if this was happening to them?
In plain english, tell her that if she's going to pursue relationships with other men, she can plan on moving out too, you're not going to share your home with her - there are consequences for her actions and this is just one of them. You can also tell her that you are speaking to a lawyer and she should get one too. Now she has something to keep herself busy with because apparently she had alot of free time before to pursue other men with.
Okay, I think I may have gave some people the wrong impression, when I said open "marriage", I meant we are seperated but I am allowed to move on. The divorce is coming, it is a matter of when it is legal and the papers are signed. Yes I made some mistakes last night, but I am just trying to fix myself now. I feel detached now. I'm doing my thing
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
I guess in a sense of an open "marriage", I had put the boundaries up (about the dating)with the phone call I mentioned, but when I got home and we talked and cleared up exactly what was going on and that we are seperated - I am free to do whatever I want. That's where I'm at... I doubt I will be rushing into a serious relationship though - I am just going to have a good time
UGGG!!!
Oy Vay!!!
Great... so now you're roommates? Is this what you accomplished?
It seems that way unfortunately... this part is not as easy because of our 5 year old daughter. We have not told her what is going on. It will tear her world apart once she finds out. We have both been good parents to her, and I can say that my wife has been an excellent mother to her, no complaints in that department. With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
The best thing for your daughter is for mom to sit her down and explain why she is leaving. And you need to be there so it doesn't become a case of "we decided to...".
You do not deserve to become a doormat for the sake of your daughter. All you're showing her is that it's okay for people you "love" to disrespect you. (And she will find out the whole story, someday.)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
It seems that way unfortunately... this part is not as easy because of our 5 year old daughter. We have not told her what is going on. It will tear her world apart once she finds out. We have both been good parents to her, and I can say that my wife has been an excellent mother to her, no complaints in that department. With respect to that yes, with what my wife is choosing she is being selfish. Should my daughter suffer for this - No... Forcing my wife out of the house will likely hurt my daughter and that's where I am at. It's not for me but for my daughter...
Not any more. She is currently no longer a good mother. Your daughter will suffer if you allow this to carry on. Time to step up for yourself and your daughter. Some short term pain.
Not only will you be setting ground rules for now. But, if you two work this out you have boundaries in place and you know how to enforce them.
Keep the path your going. What happens. You break down. She will come at you hard because you have let her. She has no respect for your marriage , family and you.
Trust me this is going to get very difficult. And 2 to 5 weeks from now you will have had enough of the mental abuse. You will stand up and kick her out. Or you will put your tail between your legs and leave.
Why not use this time to show her what life will be like without a loving 5 year old daughter and 2overcome.
