The 'bubble' in my head has apparently burst and my nose is now running like a seive and I'm sneezing my head off. The fever is gone though....that's a huge plus. My office staff has decided that I am secretly changing my voice because low and gravelly is so much sexier. LOL!
Jeff, it hasn't been one sick day. It's been a series of days missing because of my mom's hospital stay plus my one sick day. It's not pretty, but what else could I do?
Originally Posted By: ClingingToHope
Question, why do you say things like "I'd leave me too?"
Far too long an answer to that one. One that my C and I are working on. Low (read as NO) self-esteem and a tendency to heap blame for other people's actions and choices on my own shoulders due to feeling inadequate in every facet of my life would be the shortest answer I can come up with.
Knowing that those are my tendencies and changing that thought pattern are two very different things. My failings in my life manifested themselves in the ultimate failure of my M and family. Yes, Gabe is the one that made the choice to have an A, lie profusely and walk out on our family for the OW. Consequently I feel that my own behavior, being completely tied up in our son and his autism and my mother's health problems and the stress of having her live with us, was the direct cause of all of this. So really, I have no one to blame but myself. My priorities were screwed up, I should have made him top priority and I didn't. I know why I failed and it's nothing I can fix now. Since there is no one to take priority over them any longer I don't have to worry about it.
The blinders are off and I no longer live with rose colored glasses pretending that my life is ok. It's not, but it's what it is. Not much that can be done with the circumstances I'm stuck in but to survive until tomorrow.
Long answer to a brief question. Sorry.
Last edited by mishka422; 11/06/0903:49 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I did the same as you, Mish. Put most of my time and attention to my kids, no attention to me, very little to my X. But I think when you have kids that need extra attention and then factor in your mom's health issues; you absolutely did your best. You've learned from this and I've learned from this that we have to pay more attention to spouses and ourselves, but realistically we have families where we do have to give extra attention to our kids or moms or whatever. Just the way it is.
Yes. All of this is why I won't be pursuing another R in the future. I know that I can't give someone else the attention they would need so I won't do that. It is a really hard thing to realize that the future holds nothing for me, but this is the road that I was given to travel and no one else should have to be subjected to it as Gabe was.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Well there really are no partners are there? I can't imagine anyone willing to take on the burdens I'm stuck with. They would have to be saints to do that for people they aren't blood related to. Heck, Gabe is blood tied to Marc and couldn't handle the burden so.....proves my point.
I guess I am just not willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt because I 'expect' them to bail when it gets too tough. Not a great way to view people, but that's my experience. Even my own family that I have been close to my entire life has abandoned me at this point. This many years of trauma has taken it's toll on everyone and I don't even bring up the stuff to them!
Ok, it's official....I'm starting to wallow! Quick, someone say something funny or totally outlandish please!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
You just have to start looking on the bright side of things. Hey, the Bruins are playing the Huskies - should be a close game.
LOL!