Not been a good week. Too much contact with H maybe? Some good communication came out of it about feelings and such, but mostly just how to deal with things so that he can move on.
He said he thought about telling me he would help me screen roommates in January. So obviously..hes not even having second thoughts about coming back.
He asked me why one minute I am nice to him and then next I am angry. Well what does he think? Seriously? Ahhh! Sometimes just want to scream in his face! I told him that most days I am doing fine dealing with this and then there are some days I am just plain out angry with the whole situation so I take it out on him. He said well if was up to him and either we didnt talk or I was angry when we talked, he would rather we dont have any contact.
Of course not..he has to feel guilty then. I have forgiven him for the EA, the crap he has put me through in the past 5 years and us having to file bankruptcy due to his immature and stupid money decisions, so now its time for him to do that. I wonder if thats another reason he wants to be away from me. I am a constant reminder of all the bad things he has done. So MOVE ON dude! Get over it..forgive yourself!
I asked him if he wears his ring..he said after I gave mine back to him, he took his off because he was pissed, and then he never put it back on. I honestly dont wear mine either, too hard to look at them and be reminded of what I dont' have. Doesn't mean I dont want this marriage to work, but would rather wear them when they actually meant something.
So the other night, our nice, civil IM convo was nice, but then afterwards was hard. Last night I broke down and just wanted to know why he cant just love me? Even though I know the answer to that.
Might sound horrible to some of you who are dealing with affairs, but at least you knew then it was just a symptom and that when they find out..they usually discover how dumb it was. But this...this is the underlying cause..the reason he would or probably reason why he did have an affair. This is nothing I have control over...I can't force him to get help, even though I honestly feel that if he did and learned to forgive himself and love himself, he could love me and we could truly be happy. I have seen those time in our marriage when he was truly happy and loving..so I know that they are there..just buried deep I guess.
While he continues to say he wants to do whatever he can to make this easier on me, I just have to wonder why.
Im so tired of living in limbo..which is my own doing. One minute I am ready to move on and the next I love him so much and want to make this work. Its driving me insane!
I feel so lost and confused and just feel like running away!
