Time to 'fess up

[dtlewis]

As I am sure it is for everyone here, this is really hard because I have to admit I am failing at something that is very important to me.
My wife and I have been married for 19 years, have 2 sons (almost 16 and 13) and a daughter we adopted 2 years ago (18). I returned from a summer camp that I work at with my 2 sons in early August, and my wife seemed completely checked out. Upbeat with boys, completely done with daughter and with me. I asked several times what was up with no answer. Finally in October I woke her up before I went to work, and she told me she is 'over me'. Loves me, but not in love and not willing to work at it any more. So far she seems to mean it, even went to a lawyer for a cooperative divorce (whatever that is) this week. But so far hasn't told any of her family, employer, or most of her close friends. They will overwhelmingly disapprove and I suspect will be very vocal to her. Obviously, the kids know there is trouble, but I haven't told them she wants divorce.
Now to complicate matters, I have been suffering from depression and the last 3 years have been really hard. To a large extent I have not been very responsive to family except on rudimentary levels. I have talked with my primary doctor, and tried several antidepressants. I am an ER doc and this means that I have used a lot of emotional capital at work.
To further complicate matters, we had adopted 2 children from Russia; we had a 10 year old son that had been in orphanage from before 2 years old. We later found out he had a variety of behavioral problems in Russia with some violent acting out. He was with us for a year before we had to terminate adoption and place him with another family. This took a toll on all of us, especially our 13 year old (who also seems to have some depressive traits).
And still more, when my wife had first broached the idea of adoption I had told her that we had to have the financial means to do this on our own. We have had problems with outliving our means, and had always been able to recover with the help of family. But I couldn't see taking on more children if we couldn't completely support them independently.
Turns out she took out several credit cards and borrowed about $80k. Worse, our accountant erroneously told us we would qualify for adoption tax credits (we didn't), so now we are into Uncle Sam for a bunch more. She didn't tell me this until late last year. Needless to say, I was not happy, but I have never had money in my family, so just decided to work our way out of it.
Finally, early in marriage, I had some times when the sexual intimacy was not there. I did have an emotional affair. But even before this, my wife had been extremely jealous of any previous female friends (although her constant mantra is how many guy friends she has from high school and college). I tried to stay in contact with some, which of course led to me not telling her everything about contacts, which of course led to more suspicion.
Now it looks like I am dealing with a walk-away wife who seems to be having a mid-life crisis.
I am working hard on my depression; dealing with the chemical part but more importantly trying to replace the programming and maladaptive behaviors I have learned for my lifetime. I am trying to do 180's and working hard on myself to get back to someone that is reasonable attractive to be around. Working very hard to mend relations with boys. Needless to say, none of this had made any dent in her (except one "I love you" at the end of one phone call).
What I need is encouragement to keep up the work. I know I need to make changes regardless of outcome, and I know I will be a happier person for the work regardless. I just don't always feel it. After reading through several threads and DB, I am pretty confident this is a resource to help. So, I ask for your prayers and your wisdom.

Me 47 (divorced previously)
She 42 (divorced previously)
S 16, S 13, D 18
"bomb" 10/09
in limbo.