Separated

[mscanlon]

I am fairly new on here too, so my advice may not be the greatest. I would start a journal so that every day, you can list things that you are thankful for, listing all the 180's you plan to do for yourself in the front and then daily the steps you have taken to follow through on those. Track your eating/exercise. All that stuff.

Maybe in the front of the notebook, create a "vision board" type collage (have you read or watched The Secret?) of all the things you want in your future - so that you are forced to look at it daily and focus positive thoughts and energy in that direction. Maybe a picture of your family happy, the home you want, some dollar signs for continued wealth, etc. Go to the bookstore and get yourself a nice Moleskin notebook that is only for you.

I plan on doing this for myself. I plan on re-watching my "The Secret DVD," re-reading DR as many times as I have to to make permanent change, re-reading "The Five Love Languages" and the "Mars/Venus" book. "Ready2Change" also had a list of great books on his story thread that I plan on reading. A great one about Radical Forgiveness.

Stay strong and focused!!!

[hbdad]

Great thouhgts and reassuring. I question myself sometimes. Things have been actually going very well for me on a personal level! I am having alot more fun than I thought I would. Once in a while I have a down moment and I am sure there will be more. But right now I am good with me.

[hbdad]

Coach,

Look, smell, act, feel and project confidence and mojo.

No problem on this part! This is actually where I feel the strongest.

Thanks for the confidence.

[hbdad]

mscanlon,

You are definitely right on these points. I have sort of been improvising on the fly with no clear cut goals. I will work on this. Thanks for the post.

[KarenR]

Hi,
I am glad you found our site, it sounds like you have gotten some good advice. You are at critical point now, and if you haven't spoken to a DB coach, now is the perfect time. Your coach is an expert about what works best. Your coach will answer your questions and give you a very specific plan of what you should be doing to get the best results. Take good care and I wish your family all the best.

[hbdad]

Hello all,

I have not read anywhere on what to do if anything about OM. Do I just ignore this or do I confront him in an adult manner?

Thanks

[TrentC]

Hello all,

I have not read anywhere on what to do if anything about OM. Do I just ignore this or do I confront him in an adult manner?

Thanks

Him? No. Don't talk to him at all; you confirm in your wife's eyes that he is a worthy replacement to you if you feel threatened.

His wife (if he has one)? Absolutely. She has as much right to know what is going on in her marriage as you do in yours.

As for what to do about the affair? Assuming you have proof (emails, letters, pictures, whatever), confront her about it. (Do not give up your proof -- all she needs to know is that you have it.)

Tell her that you do not intend to live in an open marriage, and give her two choices: end the affair, or go move in with him.

[hbdad]

I thought I would post what has been going on the last few days. My W and I started our nesting arrangement this week. I am out of the house from TH-Su. She was out Tu-W. I have been busy GALing with my martial arts training and spending time with friends. I have went dim which is to say I DO NOT ever initiate a phone call, text, chat. So yesterday she gmail chats with me saying how she misses the kids terribly after only two days. Next week she is out of the house all week except Wed. Although I do not want to get my hopes up I mentioned counseling yesterday in the gmail chat and she responded positively to the request. To my surprise she said she would attend and asked for the phone number. I am still going to be dim, as I have the rest of the weekend to myself. I will be working out and hanging with friends. My self esteem has really improved and I feel much better since GALing. I don't know if it was a mistake or not to mention the counseling but she did respond in a positive manner. I think next week will be hell for her being out of the house for a week without the kids. Maybe the counseling is coming at the right time, hopefully it is not too soon. Thanks for all the replies.

[hbdad]

Update for 11/17/09

My wife and I are attending a 2 hour session of Christian marriage counseling tonight. I setup the daycare and set the appointment which surprised her as normally she would have setup the daycare. I have not called, emailed or chatted unless she initiates. This is the second week of our separation/nesting arrangement. W has initiated and chatted with me everyday through Gmail chat. Chats have been good and she has asked a lot of questions about what I have been doing. Two weeks ago she would not even have considered counseling!

GALing has been the best part of this whole journey. Went out with friends had a great time all weekend that I was without kids and slept at my other place. Still have my bad moments but I just keep reading here and know I am doing the right thing by not pursuing. Sometimes I am afraid I might find someone else if we do not get on the right track soon. I have not been intimate with my W or anyone else in over two months. This is the longest I have gone in 20+ years!

Anyway if anyone has any advice on how to approach the counseling session in store for tonight it would be greatly appreciated.

[hbdad]

Update 11/18/09

Wife and I attended Christian marriage counseling and the session went really well. The counselor helped us both to see the other's point of view as well how we expressed (or lack of expression) our feelings toward each other. We both shed tears and tried to understand how each of us was feeling. W agreed to a second appointment on Friday which is my birthday as well.

Afterward W came to the house. This is her week away. She worked on homework with our daughter. Then we went to the bedroom to talk and we talked for a good half hour about us. Two weeks ago this would never of happened. Everything went really well. Trying not get my hopes up, but right now things look good.