this is so very, very hard.................

[grr]

because posting it, makes it seem more real. the time has come to wake up and see that this IS happening.
i have been with my h 16 years. we have been married for 13 of those and have a son who just turned 8.
upon returning from a charity climb in africa, my h told me that he wants a divorce. this marriage is not a happy one for either of us and that he loves and respects me, is sexually attracted to me, but is not "interested in a romantic relationship with me."
a bit about our background:
we are from 2 different states and met while he was working in mine.
during our relationship (even after our son was born) we kept a home in each.
he travels most of the year and if he is with us for 2 weeks out of each month it is alot. i work very long hours, but not 12 months a year. when i am working he tries to be here, but when i am off, he is on the road. we pretty much play "pass the baby - it's your turn"
it is in my home state that our son goes to school and that we spend most of our time.......because of the illness of my elderly parents we have moved into their upstairs apartment (which is still pretty much decorated 1971) and have been in this situation for 8 years. i am amazed that he is ok with it. on the other hand, he is not here very much and does not understand the tension i deal with everyday.
our son comes into our room everynight, which forces one of us into his room
this has been going on, pretty much forever.
sorry to ramble, i think those things are key to the demise of our relationship.
3 years ago, we were at this place in our relationship, but he was willing to give it another try
we never went to counseling or did anything different, were just a bit nicer to each other.
now he says he has given it all he has and has lost any confidence that we can ever be happy
our background;
i am from a large family whose parents have been married for 60 years.
his mother left when he was 3 and his father has been married 4 times
i don't think he is seeing anyone else, although i guess you never know.
he has agreed not to do anything until after the holidays and is concerned with upsetting my parents. when he is off the road he is in our house and i am trying to keep the conversations light.
but it is really hard not to beg, plead for my son's sake (he worships his dad, he already does without him so much and the thought of my husband not here when he is off the road is sickening)
i can't sleep, eat or think about anything else
thank you to anyone reading this and i am sorry if you were or are in the same place. it is tragic

[Super Girl]

Sorry you're here, Grr. *hugs* I'm not an expert, but I do know that you need to get the books and start reading...fast. It is hard not to plead and beg, but don't do it. Nothing good will come from it.

Keep coming back here and let the experts help you. I have found wonderful support here.

Hang in there.

[LookingFrAnswers]

Hi Grr, I'm sorry you find yourself here too. Is so very hard, indeed. Know that you are not alone, try to read some of the other posts on here, get the DR book as SG said. It will help. Try to take care of yourself during this awful time, I know it's hard to eat or do anything when this hits. When the bomb 1st dropped on me, it was about a month before I found DB books, then this site. I didn't feel so alone in my sitch. Being able to "talk" to others going or who've been through the same thing makes a huge difference. Please take care of you & your son.

[grr]

thank you both for your support..it means so much to know that i'm not alone.
although thinking of anyone else going through this is pretty bad.
i am going to get the book and hopefully be able to follow the advice i get.
being a reactionary person, it will take some strength, but this i know i have
i will take care of myself and my child, who is absolutely my first priority
thank you again

[motherof3]

Hi Grr. Unfortunately, welcome to the club.

I know it is painful. The first thing you need to do is take care of yourself. You will find that the situation is easier to face when you have food and sleep in your system. I know this isn't easy. I have been there. But you will find that with a full belly and some shut eye you will be able to make better decisions and face the situation head on.

Now get a copy of DB and start reading. The road you are on is a bumpy one, but we will be there for you every step of the way.

[grr]

thank you so much for your support..........we are still in the same house, different bedrooms. we are pleasant enough to each other, when we see each other...which is barely.
when he is not traveling for work, he runs off to the gym in the morning and i think he is careful not to come home until he knows i have gone to work.
there has been no touching or tenderness whatsoever and sometimes i really feel like just getting into bed with him or giving him a hug.....that would be a huge mistake, right? he just seems so very distant.....i know he believes that this is over and i am beginning to think it is a midlife crisis
he just returned from a trip to africa with a bunch of musicians and for a few weeks he didn't have to deal with real life...sorry to be rambling, but i have not slept
any advice? anyone here before and had it work out in the end?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

there has been no touching or tenderness whatsoever and sometimes i really feel like just getting into bed with him or giving him a hug.....that would be a huge mistake, right?

RIGHT! That's "pursuing," or what I call "needy/grabby." Big no-no in DBing.

You need to get the book, and read it. It will put any advice you get here into proper perspective.

Puppy

[dburt]

Need more information, sorry you are here, has he said he is leaving?

This worked for me by the way, as my wife was leaving me in January now we are great! But, you have to leave emotions at the door and go against your natural instincts.

Now, let's hear your story...

Burt

[grr]

hi burt
my story is at the top of the page
i am really happy that your wife has reconsidered.....
can you tell me what happened? how hard was it for you to disconnect from her?

[mscanlon]

I just posted this on another thread - but think it applies here too, so I am pasting it here for you:

I am fairly new on here too, so my advice may not be the greatest. I would start a journal so that every day, you can list things that you are thankful for, listing all the 180's you plan to do for yourself in the front and then daily the steps you have taken to follow through on those. Track your eating/exercise. All that stuff.

Maybe in the front of the notebook, create a "vision board" type collage (have you read or watched The Secret?) of all the things you want in your future - so that you are forced to look at it daily and focus positive thoughts and energy in that direction. Maybe a picture of your family happy, the home you want, some dollar signs for continued wealth, etc. Go to the bookstore and get yourself a nice Moleskin notebook that is only for you.

I plan on doing this for myself. I plan on re-watching my "The Secret DVD," re-reading DR as many times as I have to to make permanent change, re-reading "The Five Love Languages" and the "Mars/Venus" book. "Ready2Change" also had a list of great books on his story thread that I plan on reading. A great one about Radical Forgiveness.

Stay strong and focused!!!