At a loss about my sitch - Need advice and support

[sportsfan]

Hi Lola. Thanks for responding. I agree about going dim because I do want to continue our marriage. It will be so hard, but I will do my best. He won't respect me if I pursue him after what he has done. He needs to be alone anyway. I started last night. One of the things he loved about me from the get-go was that even though he thinks I'm beautiful, I am also "personality plus". Hopefully, he will miss that. I will respond to some, but not all of his texts. I will not pursue. I will not write heartfelt letters. I will not engage in any R talk. I will not discuss the OW#2.

I do have a few questions though. He texts me every workday morning to wish me a great day with something different every time (I think whether he feels like it or not). He responds to small gestures. Would it be bad if every once in a while I left something for him? A few weeks ago I left him a small bag of cheesecorn. Several weeks before that it was a six-pack of a new beer from the "beer fairy". Do I need to stop this altogether? At least for now?

Also, a week after I found out about OW#2, I sat down with H and told him that I didn't know if I wanted to continue in this marriage, that I didn't want to see him anymore and that I was going to date others. That it wasn't a vindictive thing, but that I needed to do it for me. He has said he doesn't want to know any details and asked if he could still text/call. I lasted one month before asking if H would like to meet for a drink. I guess I'm afraid he will forget about me or think I don't care anymore. He texted that it was great to see me and that he missed me. I haven't dated anyone yet, but I'm wondering if I should continue to try dating. Just super casual hanging out with the guys type of stuff. H doesn't know what I'm doing, but he does know now that I want the marriage.

H's parents were/are very odd. They only got married because his Dad was in the Navy and was shipped off during WWII. Although their marriage lasted 50 years, neither was ever happy. They had separate bedrooms on separate floors in the same house. They were in their mid-40's when they had H and probably only because they thought it was expected of them. H never felt wanted by his father and his father basically ignored him from age 8 to 23. He never went to H's school functions, they never had a birthday party or even a birthday cake for H, just horrible stuff. I have a very close family and that probably made things even more painful for H. He is an only child, but never doted on.

When he met me and we started having family functions together, his father came around a little. He even hugged H at the back of the church after we got married. His father told me he was proud of H, instead of telling H. A year before he died, H's father was really sick and had heart surgery. He had one tear in his eye, but he never reached out for H. H knows he needs to work through all that now and put it behind him. That he has always had a void to fill which is why he needs so much adoration. He didn't realize until this year how much his parents' relationship affected our own marriage. I also made mistakes, of course, and am working myself.

Hope this helps.