Bad is such a sweeping generalization that it denies the good.
I made mistakes in my marriage because I was unhappy. Did that make me bad? I hurt myself in the process. Did that make me good, bad, ignorant, stupid? Was wanting to keep my family first above all else make me good? Was my unwitting loss of self, settling and giving up to wait for my then husband to finally be willing to talk good.. bad.. avoidance, failure?
Were the spouses we vowed to spend the rest of our lives with wrong from the very beginning? Did we inadvertently marry a person that was wrong for us? Did they? Dramatic actions stem from suppressed emotions. They popped like a zit.
After he left my former spouse stated that he would divorce me again in a minute, that he never should have married me, that he took a leap of faith against his misgivings to marry me. Huh?
All I can conclude is that he wasn't happy, was insecure, ultimately selfish and arrogant. Yet he was the best thing that happened to me at one point. And through our mutual failure as a couple our relationship became one sided because he felt he was compromising and I was too scared, intimidated to risk what was most important to me... a positive, equal relationship with him.
Between good and bad, black and white, there's lots of gray. And in the end by the method of his departure, his lack of involvement with our children, his actions toward me, he's not someone I want to be associated with.
My problem is forgiving myself for what this is and has done to my children. Just as parents are to young to die, children are never too old to suffer the ramifications of divorce. It's all how we pick up the pieces. As long as we blame our departing spouses, call them derogatory names then we're stuck in the muck. Acceptance that we are all flawed, forgiveness for ourselves, sending the former spouses blessings (which helps relieve anger and bitterness on our parts).. through these we move on.
All we have is the present. The ability to model what is appropriate behavior to our kids and ourselves. To put on our big people panties or thongs (in John's case) and go forward.
Yes it takes time to heal. And it's a choice to face what you may not like about yourself. It's better to get angry over the crap and then let it go. And it forces us to see what is truly important and what not to take for granted.. the love we feel for our children, our family, our friends.
Through great trauma comes the opportunity for great growth.
