I Am Done

[SueS]

Good Morning All-

I promised Yoyo that I would start my own thread instead of hijaking hers. So, here I am.

The last some of you knew....back in August, I was done. My H begged, pleaded, cried, promised...etc. I let him back. Almost immediately after he came back things happened again. Although contact with the OW here in MN had seemed to stop, other things did not. The drinking continued, the hiding, the lies, no promises kept....etc. I could go on. Every time I would confront him on something, he would remain silent. He never denied, confessed or even reassured me. We didn't really fight, but things just didn't really get better. I felt myself starting to shut down again. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't look at him. One of the things he promised was that his spending and going on trips with his brother would slow down. I noticed that it didn't...the planning for at least 2 trips had already begun. When I'd say something, he'd tell me that his fun with his brother would never stop and that he'd taken us on vacation. I told him that taking D5 and I to his dad's old apartment in IN did not constitute a vacation and did not compare to laying on the beach in San Diego or by the pool in Las Vegas. As I said, I could go on and on. Things just weren't changing.

I told him a few times, especially the past week, that I was done. He got the hint. He asked me to talk to him last night. It started out really calm. It would go from calm to heated and back to calm. He'd tell me that he would probably move back to IN and find a place with his brother. Then, he'd say something like....well, what if I don't want to move out or leave. I told him that I wanted him to move out. When he talked about moving back to IN, I asked about contact with D5. He said that he would probably just sever contact with her because she probably shouldn't grow up with a father like him anyway. Then, a few minutes later he'd ask me why I thought he shouldn't have custody of her. He got really angry when I made a comment that he took as my feeling like he didn't do anything for her. I know he loves her but when it comes to the large majority of "primary care", it comes from me.

I don't know what he's thinking this morning. He left after we talked last night and went to work out. I heard him come home. I also heard him several times during the night. He was coughing and sniffling. He'd been crying and up most of the night. I know it's not over me, but over the thought of leaving D5. He wasn't nasty this morning, just very quiet. When I heard him sniffling and hacking, I thought about all the times that I was up all hours of the night wondering where he was. All the weight I lost from it. All the pain he put me through. I'm not a cold hearted b*tch, but I have a hard time feeling any sypmathy for him. For D5, yes. For him, no. I guess part of my not being able to be sympathetic with him now is because he said that he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own right now but guess what he's doing next weekend? He's leaving on Thursday night and heading to IN. He and his brother are going to Detroit on Friday for Springsteen. He talked to a friend of his last night about playing cards on Saturday night. He knows his marriage is ending and his family is splitting, but it's still more important to him to go there next weekend. It's not that I'd want him to stay here next weekend but I guess to me it's more just proof to me that he comes first.

This morning when D5 and I left he told her he loved her. I think this is the first time in my life with him that I haven't worried even a little about him. I worry about how D5 will do, but she and I are close and I know with help I can get her through this. I've already started checking into DivorceCare programs. I've heard people here talk about them and my best friend told me how much programs like that helped her kids.

I'm really ready to be done this time around. Really ready.

SueS