Hi, I just meant simply that if your W had felt you were emotionally unavailable, unsupportive, and distant in your M, plunging headlong into DBing, detaching (even further!), 180's (which may be 180s to you, but confirmation of her fears to her), may not always the greatest help.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I can't offer much in the way of advice b/c I am still a newbie here but I understand the pain you are feeling. I can relate to what you say about the more you do nice things, the worse it gets. It's the same way with my W. My LL is acts of service so being nice is in my nature. I have read and been told that a WAS needs to cast the LBS in a bad light to justify their actions. When you are nice, it is not consistent with this and hence they are upset.
Stay strong and mind that weight loss. 30 pounds in a month is a lot!
I am there for her to talk, but only for the next few days as our separation starts on Sunday. We have a week on/ week off schedule. On Sunday's we will have a family dinner. I was at the point where I had to do something drastic since I made so many DR classic mistakes after I found out about the OM. To be honest it seems to be working. She is definitely showing much more curiosity. I just do not pursue the conversations. I am letting her pursue. Last night she even said "Good Night" before I went to bed.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
Thanks for the reply. I am back on track with the eating again and I start working out again today so I think the weight issue will slowly take care of itself.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
Thanks for the thoughts SadGirl. I am slowly back on track with eating again. Tonight I get to workout for the first time in a month and that will help regenerate the appetite. Thanks again for your thoughts.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
Update: I have been doing the 180 since Tuesday and have seen some inquisitive responses from my WAW. We have a split custody arrangement and I had to rent a place with a single guy and I could tell she was none too happy about that as she thought I would be suffering living with my dad. We start the separation on Sunday with a week on/ week off nesting arrangement for the kids.
I have been positive, non-pursuing, not answering the phone on the first try,... Really all I can do is be there if she wants me to be there. Otherwise I am living my life as a happy person because I cannot control her feelings. What I am hoping is she will see what will be missed if we divorce. A beautiful family, a lakefront home, kids in our house everyday as opposed to every other week.
Either way I have to be me so I can prepare to move on if it happens. We have 6 months until the divorce is final and that is quite a long time. All I can do is pray and be as positive as I can.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
OK, so I have been doing the 180, going dark, and GALing. It has only been a few days but I have noticed a more inquistiveness from my W. What are some of the signs or emotions I should be looking for to know if I am on the right track. I know she is looking at my Facebook page to see who I am communicating with and making friends with. The only thing I am afraid of is making her more upset that she will want to push through the divorce process faster. I have been polite and engaging but never initiate the conversation. Any advice would be great. Thanks.
HeartBroken Dad
Me: 42 Her:41 Son:11 Daughter:9 Married:1993 Bomb 9/09: "I am ready to move on." Filed 10/21/09 Separate: 11-8-09
You will know your doing well when you stop constantly wondering what your wife is doing. These actions are for you. Not your wife.
Going dark is about protection. Your protection.
GAL is about you. You are taking this time to reflect and improve your life.
180's are about reflection. What do you do that you need to change. How can you improve your self.
Do not worry about anger. It is quick to release and forget. Stand strong. You are the foundation of your marriage now. Do not wavier. Do not sway. Buy doing those items for yourself you will add the building blocks to a new relationship.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
The only thing I am afraid of is making her more upset that she will want to push through the divorce process faster.
Don't worry about that, she can and will if she wants. Out of your control.
I would have a party at your new place, advertise it on FB. Be mysterious. Make sure you are working on her issues in the marriage so you can show her by your actions that you are growing and listening to her. When you see her you are "on." Look, smell, act, feel and project confidence and mojo. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
