Trying to make is Right

[godswill]

I am really having a hard time coming to grips with things. Each time I think there is some positive momentum there will be a blow up and things go completly back to square one. This happened on Monday this week. I was away for business and had a phone call with W that did not go well. I was home Wed night and all day yesterday and yesterday was just truly terrible. It was one of those blow outs where she is screaming at the top of her lungs how awful I am and how she truly hates me and that I am a terrible father and person. How she guesses she should never have expected anything because I am a truly crazy person. She bases the truly crazy on the fact that I am not able to provide what the family needs in terms of being a constant force of support, love and compassion. Yesterday's initial trigger was we were trying to talk about dinner and I was not bringing energy to what we should have and did not realize how diffucult it has been for her to be home alone with the kids and I should be searching for ways to make things happier for her. I tried to explain that one of the reasons I am not so energetic right now is that I am struggling to think of the right thing to do and say - I am just so upset that we are where we are and that I want to make sure there are no miss-steps. She jump on this - "Would I ever have to think about what is the right thing to do to make things right for the family --- no because I would already be doing it. This whole explaination is examples of how you are so crazy". It kept on going on from there and got back around to where she can not stand me and needs me to move out. The kids could hear her yelling and are scared and "do not want you to leave or get divorced".
I feel so awful about it - the kids are being so hurt right now and so is my wife and so am I. I want the pain to stop, but I know that divorce will not stop the pain, it will be just a different pain.
My wife has no faith in me that I can be the person she needs for a helper and friend and support system -- I do not know what to say to her, because for 10 years I have not and many times I have made promises that I would be everything she needs and I have not been able to do so.
I truly wish I had the answer and I wish that I was not so scrambling and had a plan at least. I have tried to put a plan together and then it just does not happen because it is something that I have put together and she does not agree. The other thing is I have a really hard time saying this will be the plan for me to completly get out - I feel like a plan is a way for me to buy time and then if things go OK for a bit I just let it all go and believe that it will work out.