Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

I am glad that my post helped you find some peace. That is what we are here for - to help support one another.

After 2 years of deceit, I feel like I dont know the man well at all. I spent 9 months changing myself before he left and if that didnt move his heart--will anything now he is moved out?

Presumably you are talking about his deceit with the OW here. I am sure he has noticed the changes. I was in such a similar situation. Once I told my H how I felt though and I owned my part in the M breakdown, it was like a turning point was reached. I did ramp things up with OW and her H and was very vocal and public about it all. I let my H know how much he meant to me and that I wanted our M. Making it all so public I think shamed my H and OW - especially re the children. It also made what had been fantasy up until that point a reality - and when my H realised all that he would have to go through to be with OW AND that I still really loved him and wanted to work at the M, it did stop him in his tracks. Also, the opinion of other family members made him reconsider.....he saw the ripples that it was making in so many people's lives. The reality wasn't so great.

I really recommend putting this out there and letting it not be a secret.

Your posts make me think your H wants to be wanted, ( don't we all). let him know that you want him.

One of the things my H has commented about was how he loved how hard I fought for him; he felt it proved my love for him.

Your lack of anger and pleasantness, combined with your thoughtfulness, (with the wine), can only be good. The fact that he spent so much time with you and tried to ML also indicates to me that your H is undecided and not sure OW is the right choice. I would think OW is probabaly being quite demanding now that you know about her. She is probabaly not behaving in an attractive way by putting pressure on your H and that works to your advantage.

Carry on doing what works for you but don't believe that leaving the A in secrecy will help. Honestly, I have never seem a sitch on this board where that has helped; A's tend to thrive in secrecy - they are able to maintain the fantasy of the sitch. Reality is so different.

My H and I went from where you are to renewing our vows. It can be done.

(((((HUGS)))))))