About the court order, in IN especially the county where I live, I cannot get anything legal without filing for separation or divorce, and on top of that everything has to be negotiated before going to a judge, and on top of that H would get visitation no matter what. L said even if he went to jail, when he got out, he would still get visitation. I know IN is not good when it comes to this. It is good for dads who are there for their children and W is being vindictive, but in my case, dad does not care by his actions (of course his words are another thing). I had my last session with my counselor (I get free ones and now that I have to pay, I have to stop). She asked why I am allowing this, and I said to protect S. As long as he is not paying, but not asking to see S, that is ok with me because then I know S is protected with me. It is if H starts asking to see S that I will have to take the next step, but right now he may pay. He has seemed to change a little since coming home so I am hoping for the best, while expecting the worst, if that makes sense.
About H knowing how it will cost him, he knows. He said he has not paid so far because he does not have the extra money to give me (wasting it on OW). He also knows that if it comes to D he will have to get an appartment so he will have even less money, insurance will go up, he will have to get a large amount of life insurance where S is the sole beneficiary (my brother is an insurance agent in the state and sees many men having to do this), pay utilities, food, etc...plus about $500 in child support and possibly lose part of the savings (I don't know how much because i am keeping the house). Overall he knows it will be bad for him, which is why I think he quickly came home when I said L in the first place. He will not have the luxuries he does now, and sometimes I wonder if he is worried without those luxuries if he will lose OW. I am assuming there so I am not going to put much into that. He knows it will be hard, which is why I have to set a deadline for myself.
I realized yesterday after my counseling appointment that his "codependence" his counselor and him keep talking about is all about "saving" girls for his gain. If he saves them, then they will be grateful to him and he will look like the good guy and he will get their affection...etc. As you can tell it is all about him. The same with the money, S, and me. As long as he is ok then nothing will change. He is self-centered and everything has to make him feel good or he won't be into it, which is why he won't "save" S and myself because he will have to do it and get nothing from it to begin with. He will have to either sacrifice the relationship with OW in hopes of being happy with me and S, or give money which he gets nothing for.
The good part about this that I realized is that he really does love me. Let me explain. I have never been one of his projects. I never needed to be saved. He was with me not because it helped him or for any other selfish reason. He was with me because he loved me. He truly loved me. I am the only person he sacrificed for without gaining anything himself besides my love in return, but it didn't help his stature or anything selfish like that. He loved me because he loved me. I hope one day he realizes this like I have. If not at least I know, he did love me.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
