Can I save my marriage?

[Lll54]

Well I "think" I may have done something good today. So I mentioned that I was going to get the kids their H1N1 vaccinations a week or two ago and that I needed him to help me as we have two young children and I couldn't do it by myself. Today is the clinic and he asked where it is so he could come but I though "no". I don't NEED him to help me. So I arranged for my sister to come help. I told him that and now he hasn't replied to my text about it. I kind of just thought that there are many things in life I may NEED help with but that doesn't mean I need H to help me with them. So I thought today would be a good start to try things on my own. But now he hasn't replied. Is he angry with me? I dunno. Hope I did the right thing.

[TrentC]

So I thought today would be a good start to try things on my own. But now he hasn't replied. Is he angry with me? I dunno. Hope I did the right thing.

If you're doing the right thing, it doesn't matter if he's angry.

If you guys get back together, you will still annoy him from time to time. It happens.

[robx]

Well I "think" I may have done something good today. So I mentioned that I was going to get the kids their H1N1 vaccinations a week or two ago and that I needed him to help me as we have two young children and I couldn't do it by myself. Today is the clinic and he asked where it is so he could come but I though "no". I don't NEED him to help me. So I arranged for my sister to come help. I told him that and now he hasn't replied to my text about it. I kind of just thought that there are many things in life I may NEED help with but that doesn't mean I need H to help me with them. So I thought today would be a good start to try things on my own. But now he hasn't replied. Is he angry with me? I dunno. Hope I did the right thing.

Well you're just going to have to ask him when he comes around if he was annoyed by this and then ask him why and that you value his honesty.

You don't him to help me at first sounded like, I can do this by myself but then as i kept reading it was I don't need him I can find someone else to help me and maybe that is the vibe he got, easy to replace him and maybe he got turned off but then again it may not be that at all.

Seriously, no mind reading.

Use words, enunciate clearly, communicate - you can do it, I have faith in you.

[Lll54]

Well, he called me on my way out the door to get the vaccinations. But it had nothing to do with them. He knew my sis was over and he is a policeman and stopped a young woman this afternoon that "name-dropped" saying she knew my sis. So he called to see if she knew this woman at all. Well of course it was kind of a petty reason to call. Had I called him for this type of reason he would have lost it on me. He gets annoyed by those little calls that can be discussed at a later time. I wish he wouldn't have called from "private name" cause I didn't know who it was so I answered, but wish I hadn't. Again, he wanted to talk to me, and "voila!" I'm a little upset tonight as the boys had their shots and he hasn't even texted or called to ask how they did. Since my kids have been born I have never taken them for vaccinations alone. I hate needles and my H ALWAYS comes with to help me. Today is the first time I have ever taken them alone and he doesn't even care. Its frustrating how his parenthood went out the window since this happened. He used to be such a good father. Same thing happened tues. night when he took S3 to a hockey game and left in the second period because "supposedly" S3 was tired, but I later found out he went out. Who spends the night with their children on "their" night to be with them and then cuts in short to go out. Sorry bout the rant and rave. But I'm extremely annoyed with him today. The guys social life consisted of family 5 weeks ago with the occasional guys night and often "couples" nights, and now it consists of him going out every night...ugh.

[TrentC]

Well, he called me on my way out the door to get the vaccinations. But it had nothing to do with them. He knew my sis was over and he is a policeman and stopped a young woman this afternoon that "name-dropped" saying she knew my sis. So he called to see if she knew this woman at all. Well of course it was kind of a petty reason to call. Had I called him for this type of reason he would have lost it on me. He gets annoyed by those little calls that can be discussed at a later time. I wish he wouldn't have called from "private name" cause I didn't know who it was so I answered, but wish I hadn't.

So why didn't you come up with a reason to hang up? Kids didn't need a bath?

Again, he wanted to talk to me, and "voila!" I'm a little upset tonight as the boys had their shots and he hasn't even texted or called to ask how they did. Since my kids have been born I have never taken them for vaccinations alone. I hate needles and my H ALWAYS comes with to help me. Today is the first time I have ever taken them alone and he doesn't even care.

Wait, wait... your husband acted selfish and like a crappy father? When did this start?

Its frustrating how his parenthood went out the window since this happened. He used to be such a good father. Same thing happened tues. night when he took S3 to a hockey game and left in the second period because "supposedly" S3 was tired, but I later found out he went out. Who spends the night with their children on "their" night to be with them and then cuts in short to go out.

OK, reading the same thing every day is tiring for me; I can't imagine what it must be like to write it.

YOU

NEED

TO

DETACH!!

You're really surprised that he didn't call or text you about the kids' shots? You're really surprised that he's not the SUPER AWESOME DAD he used to be (up to the point where he walked out on you and the kids)?

You need to accept the new reality of your husband's behavior. In case you haven't noticed, he is being selfish and irresponsible. Period. Therefore, he is going to do things that will drive you crazy because "he just doesn't act that way".

I know this is hard; but you are going to drive yourself -- and everyone around you -- crazy unless you can get over being upset by every stupid, childish thing he does.

[Lucky11too]

The guys social life consisted of family 5 weeks ago with the occasional guys night and often "couples" nights, and now it consists of him going out every night...ugh.

Omg, I totally understand. We must have very similar H's! It amazes me how they can just give that all up especially with such young kids (I have a S1 too). They just end up missing so much! But like TrentC said, we have to learn to detach before we let them destroy us. It's tough though! I'm working on that right now too...

[Lll54]

Thanks lucky, ya I'm failing at that big time. My sister is about to lose her mind, cause i'm driving her crazy. Trent is right. Sooner or later he isn't going to listen to me anymore...I just dont think I'm strong enough for this. Yes he is missing alot. Its pretty sad when you have such young children, 3 and 1 and don't want to be there full time and are willing to break up a family that young and new. Disgusting.

[TrentC]

Trent is right. Sooner or later he isn't going to listen to me anymore...

It just gets really frustrating to read the same things over and over again. Yes, he is being thoughtless and selfish. Yes, he is missing significant events in his kids' lives. Yes, he is sending you mixed signals.

It is going to be a while before that changes. If ever.

I just dont think I'm strong enough for this.

I think you are. As robx said, you have made amazing progress since this began -- many people here would kill to be in your position.

You just can't let impatience ruin it for you. That should be your biggest 180 -- learn to be patient and take each day as it is.

[TrentC]

Its pretty sad when you have such young children, 3 and 1 and don't want to be there full time and are willing to break up a family that young and new. Disgusting.

Here's another reason you need to detach: If you have an opportunity to reconcile, you have to be able to forgive him for his behavior. Obsessing over every slight and getting frustrated trying to read his mind will be obstacles to achieving this.

Forgiveness does not mean minimizing what he has done. But it does mean letting go of the opportunity to "balance the scales".

[chatterbug]

Britt. I completely agree with detaching. You need this. If you have to use the x many sleeps until .... do it
I know its so hard beating yourself in the game of Patience.

Write this out and stick it on your mirror.

Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness, and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success.

Put this one in your coat pocket.

Patience serves as a protection against wrongs as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you. So in like manner you must grow in patience when you meet with great wrongs, and they will then be powerless to vex your mind.

This one goes in your purse.

Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering your own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them - every day begin the task anew.

This one goes in your mind. Say it 10 times right now

Patience is the best remedy for every trouble.


And there is an old saying from my country.

Patience can conquer destiny.