Hope and heartache

[ClingingToHope]

Just journaling. D10 was finally healthy enough to go back to swim practice. She wasn't ready when I got there so I had to go in. W asked about the surgery. She didn't realize I was having the tooth implant. So we talked about that for a bit. Pleasant short talk.

Sat through D10's swim practice. She is waaaaaaayyyyyy behind. But she loves it. I dropped her off. W called. She asked me to come back and get the school fundraiser stuff people at my work bought.

Dog ate one of the gifts so W had to reimburse them. Wrote a check out of her new, single, account.

Handed me the bags. Offered to help carry it. Very polite.

Four months ago I would have seen this as a "baby step." Now I recognize this as her continued efforts to move on and convert me over to a friend.

It won't be until I see excitement in her eyes or real sadness that I'll actually think it's a baby step.

I don't want nights like this. I want to see her as little as possible.

[awest1217]

Don't assume that she is doing this stuff to make you used to being "just friends". If you constantly think negative that is what you will portray to others. You need to just be thankful she at least helped you and is being civil. This is a huge change from a few weeks ago whether it is for her personal gain or for the M it does not matter. She is being nice.

The sad thing is that you will always have W in your life so you need to find some way to detach so that when you have to be around her you don't get so mad. You will have many school plays, swim meets, dance recitals, etc in your future where you are probably going to be seen in the same place at the same time. You don't have to be buddy-buddy (I know I would not be with my H if it comes to D), but you need to get to a point where you do not get mad when you are around her, for your sake.

Have a good night and hopefully everything will work out, so you have a busy weekend.

[ClingingToHope]

You don't have to be buddy-buddy (I know I would not be with my H if it comes to D), but you need to get to a point where you do not get mad when you are around her, for your sake.

With time that should happen -- although I will say forgiveness has been a long-time weakness. I know, read the Love, Honor and Forgive book. It's on my list.

[Lucky11too]

Four months ago I would have seen this as a "baby step." Now I recognize this as her continued efforts to move on and convert me over to a friend.

Yes, you must work on those negative thoughts. That negativity will inevitably affect how you interact with W, and for now, you want it to be as positive as possible. I know its tough, but you must recongize these small successes. You can't assume to know her motives - it will only eat away at you and defeat your purpose here.

[awest1217]

Have you thought about going to see a counselor yourself? Not a DB counselor, but one that is just for you. You need to have someone to talk to who is live and can help you through these negative feelings and the changes that are coming whether positive or negative.

Just a thought.

[ClingingToHope]

Actually, I have. My company has an employee assistance program that pays for three sessions. I was going to call next week and set some sessions up. I really think I'm going to need it to get through the Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years cycle.

New Years doesn't scare me so much. It falls on her night and her weekend so she'll have the kids and I'll go out. As much as I love those girls, it would be hard for me to watch the countdown with them wondering what W is doing.

I know, detach. I really do need those sessions.

[ClingingToHope]

Journaling. GALing update. Well, I was able to fill my dance card. Going to see a folk band play with three ladies tonight and one of them REALLY wants to see the Michael Jackson movie after.

I'm up for it. If the MJ movie falls through then I can meet up with some other friends.

Tomorrow night. Going to see different bands play with different set of friends.

Daytime, play basketball, clean apartment.

Sunday, I asked W in a note if I could pick the kids up for church. They are having a family skit before both services.

We'll see.

Up and down week. My mood seems to depend on having something to do.

[motherof3]

Up and down week. My mood seems to depend on having something to do.

I am with you on that one. My week was a roller coaster too. As long as I can keep myself busy I find my attitude and outlook in general is more positive. Hang in there. Sounds like you have a full weekend. Good for you.

[ClingingToHope]

Mo3, welcome to the boards. The folk group was very good and then we left early to make the Michael Jackson movie.

I liked it. When I see D10 on Sunday I'll tell her she needs to go and if W can't figure out a way to take her I will. It's very entertaining.

Although I had fun, my mind kept drifting back to my W. Once she gets the kids to sleep, what's running through her head.

I still have a loooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg way to go.

[ClingingToHope]

Beautiful day today and that actually depresses me a bit. I want to get outside and do something -- and I don't really know what to do.

It's my W's weekend with the kids and I even helped yesterday by printing out a fun event at a museum that we have a membership to -- I paid to renew it for all of us even though I'd moved out by the time it came due.

I'm just no good with patience. I've read about Dia and Sandi and some of the other success stories and how it tooks months before they realized they wanted to give their M another chance.

I'm at six months out of the house and I have to get through this day, this weekend. And I keep waking up every day wondering whether this is the day she files. Four weeks ago she said it was soon. Then she emailed last week and asked about lawyers trained in the collaborative divorce process -- something I mentioned a while ago. Then she had a mysterious "appointment" Wednesday night.

It's so hard to trust in the path. I keep thinking about what she's doing. If she's happy. If she's even starting to miss me a little.

I'm doing pretty well in LRT. I have not called or texted for something other than kid stuff in more than a month. I was tempted last night. I went to the Michael Jackson movie with a female friend who owns a PR firm in town. She's in a relationship with a man in another state, so there's no potential for a R there. At least not now. It was just a safe night out with someone I can talk to.

I felt like sending W a message that she should bring D10 to see the movie. W was on dance teams and did many routines to Michael Jackson. She'd love the movie. I thought it would also send the message that I'm out doing things. But I decided against it. I'll tell D10 how great the movie was when I see her on Sunday.

No great ephiphanies today. Just trying to get through the day and hoping to meet friends tonight.