I would say she is bringing it up now because it has festered all of this time because it was not properly dealt with in the first place.
She most likely built up a TON of resentment about it but never voiced it. Did you tell her at the time to just drop it and not bring it up again? Did you mutually agree to do that?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Sandi and Mishka thanks for the thoughts. I agree with both. Mishka, we went through counseling at the time, then had the two boys afterwards. We never agreed to not bring it up - but I am begining to think that it was the pink elephant in the room for the last 14 years because it was never discussed Ever.
Sandi, her parents did know about it , but not at the time it occured. Since then all family members know because I told them. However, that was this summer. I decided I did not want anything to be hidden. I am nt proud of what happend and asked for forgiveness from all(including God). From what I am reading here, she may NEVER have forgiven me..
Now, at this point, what shoudl I do, if anything? I am tired of her bringinng up the name. The person has never entered my mind again. When it was done, it was over for me. I never looked back except to regret the pain I caused.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Sandi, her parents did know about it , but not at the time it occured. Since then all family members know because I told them. However, that was this summer. I decided I did not want anything to be hidden.
YOU EXPOSED HER AFFAIR, TO YOUR FAMILY, 14 YEARS LATER?????
I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but just stating what I have observed in people. It seems whenever we tell something bad that happen many years ago.....folks don't get as upset as they do if it was in the present. I'm talking about relative.....not your W. You & your W did not get the guidance you needed. I think that has a lot to do with her bringing up the OW. She probably tried to leave it alone, but wasn't able to let go of it. Fourteen years is a long time to keep unforgiveness in a heart and pretend nothing is wrong. I can see her bringing it up for several reasons, but until she can work through it, I don't know that you are going to be able to help her. She really needs a professional to work with her.......both of you, really. Do you see her A having anything to do with what happen 14 years ago?
I believe it must be harder for women to let go of some things than it is men.....IDK. Men seem to look at the facts of the matter and women look at emotions. You may be thinking, "It was just sex" and she may be thinking, "But how did you really feel about OW" and it doesn't matter that you may have told her that you didn't love OW......deep down she still wonders about everything and how you "really" felt. JMHO.
If she refuses to go to C, then I really don't know what to tell you about her bringing up your A. Would she listen to you now....since it wasn't discussed back then?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I agree with most of what you said above, Especially the difference between a Man and his A versus a W and her A. Very different animals and dealing with them is very different. I believe we just swept mine under the carpet and it was forgotten, but really it never was. Shame on us for not confronting it - even though we did have professional help.
Something that needs to be handled at some point, but not sure now is the time, I need some counsel on that.
Shifting gears, today is a big day as I have me Baptism testimony taped this afternoon. This has been the ultimate LIFE GAL/180 for me and has been the shinning star in an otherwise terrible summer. Finding my Faith has given me the srength, courage and direction to make it through this.
More later....
Last edited by shellshockedga; 11/08/0902:52 PM.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
