At a loss about my sitch - Need advice and support

[sportsfan]

Hi everyone. I posted a little bit almost 16 months ago when H and I were first separated and have lurked some since then. I apologize for the length of this post. A summary of my sitch:

1989-1994 - Live together and very happy.

1994-2003 - Happily married for the most part.

2003-2005 - H discontent with his life in general, but doesn't know why. We start counseling, but nothing seems to help. Almost all intimacy ceases despite my attempts.

2006 - H begins acting like a jerk and we separate. He had begun an affair with OW#1 a month earlier. Six months later I found out about the affair when OW#1 becomes suspicious of him, finds out he is married, and calls me. H moves back in the night I find out. NC with her ever since (knock wood) and she moves to another state.

2006-2008 - We are both miserable to live with. I, because of the unbelievable betrayal, etc. and him, because he continues to stuff his feelings and lie about how unhappy he is.

June of 2008 - Start with another counselor, who senses something in H and wants to work on H's issues alone before doing MC.

July of 2008 - H tells me he is moving out to work on his issues. Counselor told him that if he feels he doesn't love me then to get a divorce or move out and see if he misses me and has any feelings for me. We are not to communicate for a while except for serious matters involving health or the house, etc. We have no children. H realizes he misses me.

October of 2008 - We go on vacation together which had been planned for a long time. Had a fabulous time. Even have sex. Feels like old times. H is relaxed and fun.

October of 2008-September of 2009 - H and I see each other a couple times per week. He writes me a letter in March (at his counselor's suggestion) stating that he wants to work things out and that he is mine forever. Gives me the most beautiful anniversary card I have ever gotten stating that I am everything to him. We always have a great time when we go out and a few times I even believe he is coming home.

September of 2009 - I find out that H has been living with OW#2 since January and they have been inseparable. They started dating before we were separated. OW#2 found out he was still married (deja vu!) and kicked him to the curb. OW#2 thought he was going to ask her to marry him.

October of 2009 - H resumes counseling and has decided to tell the counselor the whole truth. He wants to work on not lying about anything anymore. H does not want to lead a double life anymore. H is tired of hurting everyone. H is determined to get to the root of his issues, which happens to be his relationship with his now deceased father, who rejected him his entire life.

H and I continue to be separated. He tells me he loves me, but is in love with OW#2, who was very upbeat and did little things to make him feel special. In short, she is me 10 years ago. H is going through serious withdrawals from her and says that if she contacted him he would move back in with her tomorrow. OW#2 wants nothing to do with him (I know this from a mutual contact). He doesn't know if he wants our marriage. H loves me, but is not in love with me partly because he is in love with OW#2. Says he doesn't know what he wants except to stop hurting everyone. Is finally taking responsibility for his actions. Sees his counselor every two weeks and is reading self-help books. Addressing his lifelong issues.

I have read DR, but I am confused about what to do. I spent the last 15 months GAL and H seemed to respond. He starting loving me again, but had a passionate and intense love relationship with OW#2, not just physically, but emotionally. He pursued her, was extremely affectionate with her, and basically was the husband I deserve to have. He responded to her attention. I only started seeing him again a few weeks ago after one month of not seeing each other. Only contact was by phone and text.

He and I talk about the R, especially after his counseling sessions. I text him funny things and have done cute, thoughtful things for him and he responds. Then he tells me he would move back in with her if she asked. They have had NC for almost two months.

How do I bring him back to me when the only marriage he remembers is of our darkest days? He is afraid of going back to the plain of lethal flatness and so am I. We are both working on ourselves. Do I go dim/dark and see if he comes around or do I give him what he clearly needs and responds to emotionally (i.e., texts, supporting him, making him feel good about himself, asking about his day, etc.)? He and I both want him to work on his issues before we can MC, but I am scared he won't choose our marriage because of his feelings for the OW#2. We were so happy once and I know we could be again. Especially since we both now know the pitfalls. We have 20 years and really do get along well when together. We make each other laugh a lot. We are missing the intimacy, the physical spark. We had it before, years ago. I don't want to do anything to push him away. I am really confused about what to do. Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.

[LolaL]

Hi there: I am sorry you have had to come to this board, but there is a lot of good advice and good people here.

I want you to remember back to the reading in DR about affairs...they are like addictions. Many times the individual who has gone through the affair has withdrawals, and it sounds to me like your H is going through this.

Now, here is my question. Do you want to continue with your M?

If you do, I would suggest maybe dim, but not necessarily dark.

Also, can you elaborate a little more on the difficulties that your H had w/ his father?

[sportsfan]

Hi Lola. Thanks for responding. I agree about going dim because I do want to continue our marriage. It will be so hard, but I will do my best. He won't respect me if I pursue him after what he has done. He needs to be alone anyway. I started last night. One of the things he loved about me from the get-go was that even though he thinks I'm beautiful, I am also "personality plus". Hopefully, he will miss that. I will respond to some, but not all of his texts. I will not pursue. I will not write heartfelt letters. I will not engage in any R talk. I will not discuss the OW#2.

I do have a few questions though. He texts me every workday morning to wish me a great day with something different every time (I think whether he feels like it or not). He responds to small gestures. Would it be bad if every once in a while I left something for him? A few weeks ago I left him a small bag of cheesecorn. Several weeks before that it was a six-pack of a new beer from the "beer fairy". Do I need to stop this altogether? At least for now?

Also, a week after I found out about OW#2, I sat down with H and told him that I didn't know if I wanted to continue in this marriage, that I didn't want to see him anymore and that I was going to date others. That it wasn't a vindictive thing, but that I needed to do it for me. He has said he doesn't want to know any details and asked if he could still text/call. I lasted one month before asking if H would like to meet for a drink. I guess I'm afraid he will forget about me or think I don't care anymore. He texted that it was great to see me and that he missed me. I haven't dated anyone yet, but I'm wondering if I should continue to try dating. Just super casual hanging out with the guys type of stuff. H doesn't know what I'm doing, but he does know now that I want the marriage.

H's parents were/are very odd. They only got married because his Dad was in the Navy and was shipped off during WWII. Although their marriage lasted 50 years, neither was ever happy. They had separate bedrooms on separate floors in the same house. They were in their mid-40's when they had H and probably only because they thought it was expected of them. H never felt wanted by his father and his father basically ignored him from age 8 to 23. He never went to H's school functions, they never had a birthday party or even a birthday cake for H, just horrible stuff. I have a very close family and that probably made things even more painful for H. He is an only child, but never doted on.

When he met me and we started having family functions together, his father came around a little. He even hugged H at the back of the church after we got married. His father told me he was proud of H, instead of telling H. A year before he died, H's father was really sick and had heart surgery. He had one tear in his eye, but he never reached out for H. H knows he needs to work through all that now and put it behind him. That he has always had a void to fill which is why he needs so much adoration. He didn't realize until this year how much his parents' relationship affected our own marriage. I also made mistakes, of course, and am working myself.

Hope this helps.

[sportsfan]

How do you get past the feeling of hopelessness? It has been two weeks since H said he loves and misses the OW#2 and would move back in with her immediately if she asked. Also says he loves me. Obviously, he would choose her over me. I think I'm quickly sinking into depression.

[sportsfan]

Does anyone have any suggestions on my situation? How do I act towards him since he is going through withdrawals of the OW#2? He wants attention, but is torn about me. It has been almost two months since he last saw her. Maybe he truly loves her and was meant to be with her instead of me.

[LolaL]

Let him come to you. If he wants your support he will ask. But, do let him know you are there for him when he needs it. If he wants to talk, let him, but don't push it.

Be patient, and still.

[sportsfan]

Thanks again Lola. Here is what makes me afraid. If I go dim and have very little contact with H, then he might miss OW#2 even more because he will have no one. But if I try to be supportive and feed his emotional needs, then H might find me to be a doormat and his fall-back person. I don't want to pressure him. I want him to realize that it has always been me. He told me that when I first found out. He said no matter what, she wasn't me. I'm so conflicted about what to do.

[BeginningAgain]

Listen to what Lola is saying - it is very good advice. You will be much happier if he comes back to you because he wants to, not because you are there to satisfy his every need - that will get old for you quick because you don't or won't get anything in return. Do some DB'ing, i.e. work on yourself, confidence in a woman is very attractive.

Remember, you're not going dark on him - he knows where you are and that you still want the marriage.

S4H

[sportsfan]

So H has sent me a text every weekday morning for the last couple months or so wishing me a good day. I haven't received one today nor did I yesterday. I think he has decided he wants out and doesn't want to lead me on, but I don't know. I can't believe I am freaking out about not getting texts. What do I do? Nothing? Send him a short one wishing him a good day or something else innocuous like that? Please help! Thanks.

[sportsfan]

Oh, no! H bought a car a month ago and is selling his other one. We discussed this two months ago and I am fine with it. At that time, I asked if he was going to register it in both our names and he said yes. He would also give me a key. I decided not to ask him about it at all and let him take care of it himself. I found out today that he got it registered and only in his name. Our home address is on it. I don't know what to think. He registered it last Thursday which happens to be the day he stopped texting me first thing in the morning.

The only reason I can think of is that he has made his decision he doesn't want the marriage. I do. What do I do now? How do I ask him about this?

Someone please respond. I'm about to break down.