For those with a WAS...How do you cope?

[courts0818]

Thanks Gardener & bluerain for your input. I know it's not healthy and although I don't really think it's an addiction, I for sure think it's a dependence and that he is self-medicating. I'm going to think about your suggestions and try to come up with the best way to handle this.

Gardener, if I may ask (and will totally understand if you don't want to answer), what made you change (you said you were there - buzzed)? And if someone (like your S) would have said something to you, how would you have reacted? What would have been the best way to talk you about it?

When he was living here, I tried to make the beer "rule" be "fair." IDK how else to describe it. Since we had many fights about this, I wanted to have a "rule" that was...I guess fair to everybody and a rule that we could all live by. I asked that if he wanted to have a beer to wait until our DD went to bed. That way - he could have his beer to relax, my DD didn't have to see it, he wasn't drinking around her, he wasn't at all impaired around her and I knew if he didn't have a beer until 8:30pm or so that he wouldn't have a chance to have more than 1-2 or a night. It seemed to me like a fair compromise. He didn't love the idea, but he really didn't fight it either. But, I know he thought it was another version of me trying to be a controlling biatch. Not sure how that same rule would go over if he was back living here.

Onto a different topic. He sent me another text message with a sexual comment so last night I sent this, "u can get a flipping clue, dude. no man is gonna treat me the way u do & get sex! hello....R E S P E C T...find out what it means to 2 me." I was annoyed and I just snapped back at him. Don't know if I should have just ignored him or what.

That's what I always say, don't know, don't know, don't know. Ugh! Maybe I need to change that to - don't care, don't care, don't care.

[bluerain]

LOL, I love it! I would have loved to see the look on his face when he read that!

[courts0818]

Thought I would pop in for my latest drama...
I have two things on my mind today:

First, back in June, H & I received a check in the mail from the bank. It was for $495 - an overpayment on escrow or something. Anyway, I held onto the check and never said anything to H. I put it (okay hid it) in my dresser drawer.

I really wanted to cash it. I work part time and I make decent money, but I work no more than 32 hrs every 2 weeks and a very big portion of my check covers health insurance for DD and I. My check pays for groceries, gas, the fun things I do with DD, giving at church and that's it. So, basically I very, very rarely get anything for myself. And I see H just wasting money all over the place - on beer, lunches out, weekend getaways, dinners outs, tickets to games, cigs, poker parties, his "house" (makes me want to vomit just saying that!!!!!!)...he is so wasteful. And I very rarely have extra money for me. I really wanted to treat myself to some new clothes, highlights and that sort of thing. But...feeling guility, I let the check just sit since June.

BTW - H ordered new checks like 6 months ago, took my name of them and told me that was an accident. Oh yeah...an accident...such a lie! Regardless - the only money I have access to is in my own checking account and since I work pt, that's not too much there.

I finally decided...enough! He's done so much crap to me, it's time to do something nice for me! So, I pulled open my drawer and...the check was gone! At first I thought I must have hid it somewhere else. Well, no. Obviously, he went searching through my stuff (and why would he do that since he doesn't love me and want to be with me????, what was he looking for and why does he care????), I found the check and get this - he signed my name and deposited in the ATM at the end of September. I called the bank and got this info. In fact, they sent me a copy of the check. It came in the mail yesterday. When I saw that fake signature of mine I was soooooooooooooo pissed. And the truth is - I was planning on doing the exact same thing - signing his name and cashing it, but I don't care. I'm still so mad. I know he's going to say he makes the house payment, so it's his money and that will make me furious. He's so wasteful and all I wanted was some new stuff - just to make myself feel better...ya know. After everything - I deserve it.

Ahhhhhhhh....How do you think I should bring this up to him? And what's he gonna do when I show him the signed check? How do I approach this? I thought about trying to make him feel bad and telling him I was saving that money for Christmas bc I knew he would just blow it. Not so honest, huh? : (

Do you think I'm wrong to get so mad when I was going to do the same thing - cash it and not tell him? I guess the point is, I just want to scream, "What about me??????" I never put myself first and this one time I wanted to.

Like I said above, I carry the health insurance for DD and I. The reason I don't currently carry H is bc it would have been very expensive to add him so he just got his own policy. Well, we are currently in our open enrollment time - the one time per year when I can make changes/additions to my health insurance. So, I could add him to my insurance for 2010 and he needs to be added bc I think his other policy elapsed. It will cost me a small fortune to add him. The cost is a concern, but I'm more worried about this - If I say something about adding him to my insurance for 2010, he might get an idea that I'm planning on sticking with him for another year while he continues to live his own life. I don't want him thinking that I"m gonna deal with his crap for another year. How can I bring this up without sounding like I'm pursuing and planning on being with him in the future?????

[bluerain]

First, I would be pissed if my H went through my things, so I think that that is valid. But... maybe you just need to eat crow as far as him signing and depositing it goes. I think that you could even be honest with him about it. Tell him that you just didnt think that he deserved more money to waste while you struggle day by day! I dont think that thats too far from the truth.

And I wouldnt add him to the insurance. He is making the decision to separate himself from the family... that includes insurance policies and all. You should not try to rescue him! Is there some deadline that he cant be added to it at a later date if you do end up reconciling or some other reason that you are worried about it?

This is part of the reality of this fantasy life that he is making for himself. You know, a consequence of his choices. Keep up the life insurance for sure, but if he breaks an arm, he needs to pay for it himself.

[Gardener]

Courts,

Gardener, if I may ask (and will totally understand if you don't want to answer), what made you change (you said you were there - buzzed)? And if someone (like your S) would have said something to you, how would you have reacted? What would have been the best way to talk you about it?

I changed due to several factors, First I admitted I was doing it (I grew up with an episodic binge alcoholic father and I swore that if I ever detected a problem in me, that would be it). Secondly, I had begun lying to my wife. She would come home from work, we would kiss and she'd ask if I had been drinking(?)" and I would say, "Sure, just poured us a glass of wine. Here's yours."(I was on my third). OR, "Did you just brush your teeth before dinner?" "Yep, I was cooking with garlic and ate some" etc, etc.
Third, one night I did get drunk. She came home and saw me. No hiding it. I owned up to what I had been doing and we both went for counseling the next week (thank God she agreed to come with me).

I will not knock 12 step programs because they do so much good for so many. However, it was not for me. I was turned off by the religiosity of it, even though I am religious man. I am also a capable and determined man and 12 step did not resonate with me because I did not believe I was "insane", "diseased", "powerless", or that "my life had become unmanageable," et cetera.
After much research I found Rational Recovery which, among many other insights and strategies, suggests that drinking irresponsibly is sometimes simply a case of "stupid behavior in a non-stupid person." That book and approach did it for me, thank God.
I quit Feb 6, '06. Never had a problem, an urge, a temptation, an uncomfortable moment or white-knuckle balls-out effort to stop. Never drank again. Never once missed it. Wish I had done it years earlier but like most things, my breaking point and finding that book came at the right time, in God's good time.

If wife had approached me earlier, I would have downplayed it, patronized her and said "Fine, I'll cut back." If wife had laid out a no-bull$hit hard-and-fast boundary, I probably would have said "whoa," and straightened out my act.

Over-answering as always, but that's the entire answer.

I asked that if he wanted to have a beer to wait until our DD went to bed. That way - he could have his beer to relax, my DD didn't have to see it, he wasn't drinking around her, he wasn't at all impaired around her and I knew if he didn't have a beer until 8:30pm or so that he wouldn't have a chance to have more than 1-2 or a night.

A good, beginning boundary. What are the consequences for violating it?

But, I know he thought it was another version of me trying to be a controlling biatch.

Tough. Who cares? Your home. Your call.

Onto a different topic. He sent me another text message with a sexual comment so last night I sent this, "u can get a flipping clue, dude. no man is gonna treat me the way u do & get sex! hello....R E S P E C T...find out what it means to 2 me." I was annoyed and I just snapped back at him. Don't know if I should have just ignored him or what.

That's what I always say, don't know, don't know, don't know. Ugh! Maybe I need to change that to - don't care, don't care, don't care.

Ignore him. Or reply (hours later) "No.", or post it on this forum and get the advice, insight and conviction you need here before replying.

Keep going.

[LuLu]

Hey Court- Just checking in & hoping all is ok.

[bluerain]

Hi Courtney, I was just wondering how you were doing!

[courts0818]

Hi,
Thank you for your posts bluerain & gardener, I appreciate your input. I'm not trying to avoid the questions you asked, I just have something MAJOR on my mind so that's what I'm going to post about tonight.

I've been MIA bc my of crazy work week. Anyway, here goes...

First about the check he cashed and the snooping he did:
On Tuesday night, I asked him if he cashed the check and he said yes. He acted like it was no big deal - in fact, he mentioned something about him doing it a long time ago (it was late Sept. when he cashed it - uh, not that long ago). He was totally casual and non-apologetic, no surprise there. It was his nonchalant attitude that really pi$$ed me off. And then he tried turning it on me and called me out for holding onto the check since June. That's when I informed him that at least I had integrity and just held onto the check (okay, okay...so much for my integrity since I REALLY wanted to cash it and go shopping for ME - but he doesn't need to know that). I told him that I knew he would blow it and I didn't think it was fair for him to keep it when all of my money goes for basic things - food, gas, tithing at church, fun things for DD.

Not that long ago, I was offered a full time job that was good money. A job that would have pretty much allowed me to take care of myself and DD. I was so extremely torn...I wanted the independence that job would have given me. BUT...my heart shattered into a million pieces when I thought about taking DD to a sitter for 40+ hours a week. I know that tons of kids go to sitters/daycares and they are amazing, smart, happy, well adjusted kids that are very close and connected to their parents, it's just so hard. I feel like she's only go to be little for such a short time and it goes so fast. I'm doing my best to provide a stable and secure schedule/environment for her - even though her dad has walked out. I felt like having him gone, then taking her to a sitter full time was just too much. Although, I do realize I might just be postponing the inevitable - but I'll keep her with me for as long as I absolutely can.

Anyway, H told me that if I need money all I have to do is ask. Okay, yeah, good to know. But, still annoying because I shouldn't have to "ask." Know what I mean? I feel like his teenage daughter - "Dad can I have money for gas?" "Dad I would love a new pair of jeans, can I have some money?" Ugh! Having to ask for money is just stupid. I shouldn't have to ask - I have a right to our money. Trust me if I got paid for every last thing I did around the house and all the hours I've taken care of DD without any help from him...I'd be rich. We made the decision together for me to just work part time. So frustrating.

Oh and the check discussion brought out old bitchy Courtney. When he decided to give me that nonchalant attitude, I was angry. I did make comments about all the money he blows on beer, cigs, food, his own place, etc. I know it didn't go over well with him. But, seriously I was going to explode if I didn't get it out of my system.

I also asked why he was looking through my stuff and he just casually said he didn't know, it was a long time ago and then he reminded me of how I've snooped through his stuff. Well, yeah...DUH...look at what's he done/said. Who in the heck wouldn't snoop if they were in my shoes?

Like everything else, he acts like it's not a big deal...blah..blah...BARF!

Now for the thing that has me really, really upset...

Without taking forever to tell the story, when everything started with H and I, I had this sick feeling that he was talking to someone because he kept his phone with him at ALL times - no exaggeration. He never had it out of his sight. Each time I asked about it, he got defensive. I never had access to his cell statement because his phone is through his work. Until...one day I was messing around and was able to pull up the phone records from his work. What I found shocked me! TONS and TONS of calls to/from a certain number. I tried calling it - no answer, no name on the voicemail, no nothing. The one time she picked up, I was in a state of shock and she refused to tell me her name and I didn't say who I was. When I asked H about it, he claimed that he has lots of friends that are girls that he talks to - bs! And I was so mad and devastated that he spent all that time talking to her and refused to talk to me. I was a mess, a big mess. Countless phone calls and conversations while I got no time, no effort, no words, no hope, no help from him.

So, I did what anyone else would do...I searched and searched online to find out who the hell she was. I kept getting varied info, different websites would tell me different cities, cell phone providers, etc. The number is unlisted so I had no luck - so I thought. Well I paid for a phone record report and it gave me a name, but I didn't think it was accurate because again - all the other info I had found never matched. At one point, I even called a variety of cell phone providers, gave them her number and said that her number kept coming up on our cell statement and I didn't know who it is - provider after provider (meaning Verizon, Sprint...) kept saying she wasn't their costumer. Since I never got anything to match up, I just assumed the report I paid for and the name they game me were wrong.

On Tues. night, H had been on the computer and he left his email up. I was shaking when I saw it, afraid of what I was going to see. And...there was the name...the same name the phone report gave me. In his contacts was her name. I looked through his inbox, sent and deleted messages and I all I could find were jokes that he sent to her. But...I'm crushed...so now I know for sure who he is talking to, texting and emailing and I'm beyond sick. I had stopped looking at his cell statement in order to detach, but now that I have seen her name is in his contacts, I have to do something. All along, the info was right. All along he's been talking to this OW and I just want to scream, cuss, explode.

Just seeing her name, made it much more real. And I feel smoking hot anger flowing through my blood - like lava! Maybe I was in denial before (even after seeing his cell statement). There's just something about seeing the name that makes it too much. I'm not letting this go. I didn't see any incriminating emails, but I saw her name and that I know she's the one he's been talking to all this time - for the past 15 months. What do I do??????????

Here are some options I've thought of:

1. Ask him about it. Point blank - Who is OW? My guess is he will say it's none of my business, he doesn't know "name", she's just a friend or some other bs answer or just refuse to answer the question. In that case, I could do a couple of things. I could keep cool - pick up my cell phone and put it on speaker so he could hear - call my attorney (and I do have one - I got one when he decided to take that Florida vacation) and let him hear me say that I'm officially starting the paperwork to file for a legal separation. Or I could say - that's fine, but, I'll be doing the same thing - meeting new people, talking to them - dating. And then go DARK and be SUPER MYSTERIOUS. IDK how I feel about that - but I so want to get back at him, even though I have no interest in dating someone.

2. I thought about emailing her and even copying him and just asking why she is talking to my husband, telling her what it is doing to my family. Asking her where her self respect, morals and values are and that sort of thing.

What else can I do? Give him an ultimatum that he has to start counseling or it's over? I just don't know. But, I'm not going to sit here and not bring this up.

And what the heck are the holidays going to be like now? Ugh....

My head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with this.

What do you think????

[bluerain]

Im sorry Courtney, I know exactly how that feels.

I think that if he is requesting intimacy from you, you deserve to know if he is sleeping with anyone else (he doesnt need to know that you have no intention of giving it up!) If he tries to say that shes just a friend, bring up the fact that you found all of those emails, calls, texts. Do you have any evidence that they have actually had contact besides just the electronic kind? I would tell everyone if you have proof. His parents, your parents.

Dont email her, it will make you seem like a crazy bi+(h. I would tell him that you are not happy that he has this inappropriate contact with her, whether its a friend, or not, that much contact is not appropriate for a married man. And is disrespectful to you, your DD, and your M.

Then go pitch black. Absolutely no contact unless its about DD, and even then, only when he brings it up.

Ramp up the GALing and 180s, or recommit to them. Remember the fun courtney? She needs to come out now and show your sleaze ball H what hes missing.

[Gardener]

Courts,

Not that long ago, I was offered a full time job that was good money. A job that would have pretty much allowed me to take care of myself and DD. I was so extremely torn...I wanted the independence that job would have given me. BUT...my heart shattered into a million pieces when I thought about taking DD to a sitter for 40+ hours a week. I know that tons of kids go to sitters/daycares and they are amazing, smart, happy, well adjusted kids that are very close and connected to their parents, it's just so hard. I feel like she's only go to be little for such a short time and it goes so fast. I'm doing my best to provide a stable and secure schedule/environment for her - even though her dad has walked out. I felt like having him gone, then taking her to a sitter full time was just too much. Although, I do realize I might just be postponing the inevitable - but I'll keep her with me for as long as I absolutely can.

I admire you for taking the right, though temporarily tough stand!

Anyway, H told me that if I need money all I have to do is ask. Okay, yeah, good to know. But, still annoying because I shouldn't have to "ask." Know what I mean? I feel like his teenage daughter - "Dad can I have money for gas?" "Dad I would love a new pair of jeans, can I have some money?" Ugh! Having to ask for money is just stupid.

Don't ask. Inform him how much is needed and by when. Say it's all for D's needs. I don't remember far back into your sitch, but have you spoken to an attorney to get this slug to pay up?

1)Point blank - Who is OW?.
2. I thought about emailing her and even copying him and just asking why she is talking to my husband, telling her what it is doing to my family. Asking her where her self respect, morals and values are and that sort of thing.

1)Why? He'll lie. You'll get no satisfaction. He'll probably get the satisfaction out of really getting your goat.
2)She'll lie and ignore you. And they may both wind up having a laugh at your expense. Now if you could find out f she's married and expose it to her H, that would work in your favor.

Call the attorney you just mentioned, get the sep going and get money from him.

What else can I do? Give him an ultimatum that he has to start counseling or it's over?

Why not give him the boundary that I hear so many men do on this forum? "I will not share my husband with another man. Drop her with transparency and proof or I will file."

The Holidays will suck. How much they suck will depend on your actions and attitude.

My $.02, fwiw.