Sorry, we're closed. Under new management.

[25yearsmlc]

Drew...I am a physician with a heavy call schedule. I think that the issue is 'disruptiveness'. I could have the kids and get called in the middle of the night for an emergency. In the least, I would need a sleep-in during the week. On the weekend, I have my family for coverage. Even then, if I get a 2AM call on a Saturday, I would have to arouse the kids from sleep, so, would most likely need a sleep in. FIB

Frank,
(sigh)...let's chat. I will say here, that your schedule as a doctor DOES make a legit diff. Imagine a more "normal" mother and then others will realize that it's reasonable to want a parent guaranteed present for the kids at that age...having a doctor on call sucks for kids if there's no wife around. Being in the military, serving your nation, as a mom or dad, also costs one heavily in these matters and I've seen it a lot. Like reservists of both sexes--soldiers who serve their countries honorably but lose their kids b/c they are called to duty.... Very sad and unfair to the parent but worse for the kids not to have it handled ahead of time.

As appealing as hiring a nanny is, for those nights(deployments), seems, it costs more than having them with their own mother, and she may argue 'first right of refusal' just as you would if she really were to attend schooling and had final exams. Would you want her to hire a sitter then, or leave them with you, on "her" days in that sitch? Forget her faults as a wife for a minute before answering...If you were communicating in a healthier manner, (yeah, I know, with a healthier woman...) this would not be such a sticking point. ANd I do think she's lowballing in her ONE night a week for 3 hours... Sadly this is not a used car sale...it is a child custody dispute and you'd think folks would approach it as reasonably as possible.

I'm not defending what is happening, (except as it relates to your on call schedule b/c there were nights my h would NOT have seen the kids at all on "his" nights if that had happened AND he's dead tired after an all nighter anyhow, so in fairness, I think the judge has a point...it's hard for us to see that b/c we don't like your w much...) But we have to help you get thru this. Our acrimony for her isn't all that helpful at times...but again, I don't like being confused with the bad guy b/c I translate the message, as in, I"m only the messenger.

Don't be miffed at the judge too much. He's just as turned off by her histrionics as he is by your tome/journal of her wackiness. I don't know all that you documented, but it's stuff that happens in front of the kids that matters most, or threats...

The problem some are having here on the DB board is that we are blaming her for the div and in many ways that seems fair to us. We are your friends and supported you in your DBing --and I think some of her actions were simply beyond the pale, no matter what type of jerk you may once have been. So yeah, I do hold her accountable for a whole lot. I admit that. But I'm able to detach from that belief and know that the judge does not have to assess this....yet anyhow. "Cruelty grounds"? He's seen much worse than either of you can claim I suspect...just mho.

BUT having said that, her behavior as a wife is NOT relevant to determining child OR spousal support in NY evidently, (His L is not an idiot; he likes and trusts her --HUGE--and she's experienced in this area and HE is getting the house for now and the forensic accounting came back good for FIB and the support is NOT forever(or did I misunderstand?) and SHE"S moving out so not all things are going against FIB) so everyone telling you to "fight that part!" of this, based on her infidelity is counterproductive and missing the irrelevance of it to the judge. Sorry... Your L knows NY law and I don't think all this whining about how unfair it all is, helps you much. Does it? It reeks of the man vs woman whining that seeps into many of my female friends discussions (men are pigs) and my male friends (the shrew is screwing me over, etc).

Her screaming behaviors are where I'd draw the line asap b/c that affects your kids and it's too crazy to tolerate. She will revise the marital history no matter what, but your calmness will shine through her rages, which your son has already noted...sadly.
Suggestions:
The 50/50 thing is YES, very desirable and fair - BUT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE A SURGEON...and for that, you have to make adjustments. Not as many as she's asking of course,
Yes I'd argue for more time, especially in the summer (makes school a moot point) and whatever time YOU can take off, and would make nearly all your vacation time be shared with them, consequetively of course. At least 2 weeks.

Also I'd argue for staying in the same school district (Stability of the kids!! after all.) unless both parents consent in writing. I've seen folks get screwed on this be merely insisting that kids remain in the same state. That's not enough. New York is a big state so that only works in Rhode Island. I'd argue She cannot move the kids more than an hour away (as a back up position) but why not try to keep them in the area you both can easily reach? So obvious to all of us...maybe not to her. Like it or not, you are the father of the children so yes you do get to "control" some things. Ahem...that's life.

Also if she doesn't attend school within say 2 years, that money goes away and income gets imputed to her...as in, "G-G-G-GET A J-J-J-JOB!!"She didn't put you through med school or residency & you know how crazy that makes me...what the hell do you owe her for her choice on that? OR she can go to school and repay you the costs when she makes her fat pay check...What? You held her back? From what? Discovering a new hair product? (Sorry that was mean...yikes...I feel cat claws retracting...) meow!

Anyhow, we'll chat soon. Let me know your schedule. Pick your battles wisely...oh, I have to go read the rest of this thread but had to reply now while I had a minute and felt fired up. Will finish it later...

((( j )))