At a loss about my sitch - Need advice and support

[sportsfan]

Hi everyone. I posted a little bit almost 16 months ago when H and I were first separated and have lurked some since then. I apologize for the length of this post. A summary of my sitch:

1989-1994 - Live together and very happy.

1994-2003 - Happily married for the most part.

2003-2005 - H discontent with his life in general, but doesn't know why. We start counseling, but nothing seems to help. Almost all intimacy ceases despite my attempts.

2006 - H begins acting like a jerk and we separate. He had begun an affair with OW#1 a month earlier. Six months later I found out about the affair when OW#1 becomes suspicious of him, finds out he is married, and calls me. H moves back in the night I find out. NC with her ever since (knock wood) and she moves to another state.

2006-2008 - We are both miserable to live with. I, because of the unbelievable betrayal, etc. and him, because he continues to stuff his feelings and lie about how unhappy he is.

June of 2008 - Start with another counselor, who senses something in H and wants to work on H's issues alone before doing MC.

July of 2008 - H tells me he is moving out to work on his issues. Counselor told him that if he feels he doesn't love me then to get a divorce or move out and see if he misses me and has any feelings for me. We are not to communicate for a while except for serious matters involving health or the house, etc. We have no children. H realizes he misses me.

October of 2008 - We go on vacation together which had been planned for a long time. Had a fabulous time. Even have sex. Feels like old times. H is relaxed and fun.

October of 2008-September of 2009 - H and I see each other a couple times per week. He writes me a letter in March (at his counselor's suggestion) stating that he wants to work things out and that he is mine forever. Gives me the most beautiful anniversary card I have ever gotten stating that I am everything to him. We always have a great time when we go out and a few times I even believe he is coming home.

September of 2009 - I find out that H has been living with OW#2 since January and they have been inseparable. They started dating before we were separated. OW#2 found out he was still married (deja vu!) and kicked him to the curb. OW#2 thought he was going to ask her to marry him.

October of 2009 - H resumes counseling and has decided to tell the counselor the whole truth. He wants to work on not lying about anything anymore. H does not want to lead a double life anymore. H is tired of hurting everyone. H is determined to get to the root of his issues, which happens to be his relationship with his now deceased father, who rejected him his entire life.

H and I continue to be separated. He tells me he loves me, but is in love with OW#2, who was very upbeat and did little things to make him feel special. In short, she is me 10 years ago. H is going through serious withdrawals from her and says that if she contacted him he would move back in with her tomorrow. OW#2 wants nothing to do with him (I know this from a mutual contact). He doesn't know if he wants our marriage. H loves me, but is not in love with me partly because he is in love with OW#2. Says he doesn't know what he wants except to stop hurting everyone. Is finally taking responsibility for his actions. Sees his counselor every two weeks and is reading self-help books. Addressing his lifelong issues.

I have read DR, but I am confused about what to do. I spent the last 15 months GAL and H seemed to respond. He starting loving me again, but had a passionate and intense love relationship with OW#2, not just physically, but emotionally. He pursued her, was extremely affectionate with her, and basically was the husband I deserve to have. He responded to her attention. I only started seeing him again a few weeks ago after one month of not seeing each other. Only contact was by phone and text.

He and I talk about the R, especially after his counseling sessions. I text him funny things and have done cute, thoughtful things for him and he responds. Then he tells me he would move back in with her if she asked. They have had NC for almost two months.

How do I bring him back to me when the only marriage he remembers is of our darkest days? He is afraid of going back to the plain of lethal flatness and so am I. We are both working on ourselves. Do I go dim/dark and see if he comes around or do I give him what he clearly needs and responds to emotionally (i.e., texts, supporting him, making him feel good about himself, asking about his day, etc.)? He and I both want him to work on his issues before we can MC, but I am scared he won't choose our marriage because of his feelings for the OW#2. We were so happy once and I know we could be again. Especially since we both now know the pitfalls. We have 20 years and really do get along well when together. We make each other laugh a lot. We are missing the intimacy, the physical spark. We had it before, years ago. I don't want to do anything to push him away. I am really confused about what to do. Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.