Remember another time that you studied your a$$ off and when the exam was in front of you, you smiled, because the test was easy, it was like you had the textbook inside your head, you "aced" it.
Yeah. Its' that smug, almost condescending look that those contestants on "Final Jeopardy" get when they know they have the correct answer safely written down.
I dunno, guys. I can definitely see the point of projecting confidence in that circumstance, for sure ... but an external smile seems to be rife with interpretational perils. For instance:
"He's smiling. He must not really be that pissed. I don't have to take this seriously."
I was watching this show the other day featuring a "child behavior expert" (fascinating to childless me), and she said something I thought was really interesting, to a mother: "How can you expect them to take you seriously when you are speaking softly and smiling? Lower your tone of voice and sound serious!"
Not intending to compare wives to children, 'cause obviously THAT ain't me, but the concept may still apply......
"He's smiling, OMG he's smug. He must not take me seriously at all! This is WAR!!!!"
Seriously, a smug, condescending smile? I thought this was about drawing appropriate boundaries with a person you claim to love (otherwise, why DB at all?) Arrogance has no place there, nor does an adversarial stance, as O'Dog so eloquently pointed out (Amen, brother!). If such conversations devolve into games to be won, IMHO, you've already lost the war inside your own head.
Last edited by Kettricken; 11/05/0907:25 PM.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Remember another time that you studied your a$$ off and when the exam was in front of you, you smiled, because the test was easy, it was like you had the textbook inside your head, you "aced" it.
Yeah. Its' that smug, almost condescending look that those contestants on "Final Jeopardy" get when they know they have the correct answer safely written down.
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Hello all. Not much to report. After 2 months of a self-imposed moratorium on telephone convos, I have offered to speak with WAW but only on matters directly related to raising our children. Beyond Themselves I can't think of a single thing we have to discuss - certainly any banter or repartee is out.
With respect to the incident I related earlier, I still reject the basic premise of the Mars/Venus communication paradigm, as it provides all-too-easy an exoeration for poor communication skills - "well you just don't understand that when a woman asks, 'What letter comes after Q?' she doesn't just want to hear R but the whole alphabet."
In that particular incident, I said something to the effect of "Nice. Don't give it another thought - I will go back and make it right. Next time, though, do me a favor?"
What?
"Go f*ck yourself - and the horse you rode in on."
Smiley...you've been through the ringer. Nope, you're not supposed to, nor should you have to, read minds. You've been insightful, introspective, objective, and every other kind of cognitive state possible over the months. Regardless of the negative things you did to contribute to the deterioration of your marriage over the years...since she dropped 'the bomb' on you...you have done everything possible to save your relationship with her, and to save the family from being torn apart. You have worked as hard as a person could, in every way, to keep this from happening. I hope you continue to get stronger and better with each passing day.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
In that particular incident, I said something to the effect of "Nice. Don't give it another thought - I will go back and make it right. Next time, though, do me a favor?"
What?
"Go f*ck yourself - and the horse you rode in on."
@antlers: you have done everything possible to save your relationship with her, and to save the family from being torn apart. You have worked as hard as a person could, in every way, to keep this from happening.
That's a nice sentiment, and I thank you for it, but I myself am inclined to disagree with it. Not that this is Monday-morning-quarterbacking (and, um, Kyle Orton -- really?) or anything; with the always-20/20 benefit of hindsight I can see a lot of moments I overlooked in my haste to guard against possible backsliding or further hurts.
In essence I was too cautious by half, too leery of getting excited and then smacked-down, too fearful of getting hopeful and then disappointed.
So I'll give myself a strong B (maybe a B+ for extra credit for putting up with the Crazy Train), but I'm clearly not an "A" divorce-busting student. And that, I think, is actually a valuable lesson for others.
A bit of advice is wanted -- well, if not advice (as Poor Richard said, the worst vice is ad-vice), then some thoughts to chew on.
S10 mentioned yesterday that while he and D6 were at Mom's house, he woke up early one morning, and she was crying by herself in her living room. When he asked her why, she said, "I ruined your lives," and continued to bemoan the Fates.
Now quite apart from the divorce piece of this, and I suspect I know what @Gypsy's response would be, what might / ought I do about this?
Whether she feels that way or not is irrelevant -- just as the DB'er is expected to (Wo)Man Up and Maintain in front of the children, the D'er should as well. I don't really want the kids getting dragged into the Adult World any more than they have to be, and when the focus is on Parent Wallowing the children might get mixed messages about their own sadness taking a back seat.
Yes, I "get" that it is good for children to understand one is sad. But there's a world of difference between sincerely explaining to a child -- a small child especially -- that it is hard for everyone, even you, and allowing yourself to be seen wallowing.
