My story, About 6 years ago I came home from a business trip to find my wife had moved out of the house. There where several factors that led up to this but the basic causes of it where me and in particular my drinking and drug use. Refuses to do any type of marriage counselling. I joined a 12 step program sobered up and my wife moved back into the house. She got pregnant and we had a baby. A little fast forward found us moving into a house. Unfortunately I had a slip with drugs and alcohol and went back to my lying ways. This all came to light about 3 months before our daughter was born. My wife really wanted to leave then but for obvious reasons couldn’t. Again I joined a 12 step group and sobered up and have been sober for 3 years ever since then. About 15 months ago the bomb hits, “I don’t like you I am leaving”. A lot of crying and begging on my part (I know I know). She decides to stay. We now start throwing a lot of money around. She has some cosmetic surgery and starts to feel better about her body, things are improving. It also comes out in the wash she is having “dirty chat” with someone on Facebook and is very remorseful about it. We agree the past is the past and try to move on. Also refuses marriage counselling About a year after that I lie about the stupidest thing I mean really stupid small but still a lie. She wants to break up. She stays basically for the kids she stays. Again refuses marriage counselling. We have huge communication issues when things get heated and it is very dysfunctional between both of us. 2 months later on our anniversary she says she is not happy and is leaving. She talks herself out of it and stays. It also comes out she wants to sell our house and move to a new town. I agree so we sell the house very quickly and buy a new house. No to marriage counselling. 1 month until we make a supposed “new start” and I start to notice sex dries up, “I love you” is replaced with “me too”, and hugs are more like buddies do. Oh man it’s starting again! I ask what’s up is everything okay and am met with anger. For 2 weeks when I start the conversation I am met with anger. Sunday night I get pissed off and say we need to talk about this now. A fairly big argument starts and we go on for a while. It ends with “I don’t really like you and never have” from her. She now says I broke up with her when really all I did was ask for a change to our relationship. I have made a lot of changes over the years (I not saying I am perfect) but really she blames me for everything and feels she has little to improve on. So in 4 weeks we are supposed to move to our dream house in our dream town to make a new start. She is adamant she wants to split up. I ask her to give it six more months with marriage counselling and a dedicated date night to spend some quality time with each other (which we never do). No is the answer. Arrgg! I do not want this to happen. I have not always been the greatest guy. But it does take two. Do I have the right to ask for this not to end? I have 3 and 6 yr old whom I love very much and I know this will tear them apart. I will post more on the last 4 days events later.
I went to an IC for quiet a while. My 12 step program offers me lots of support and advice. Don't get me wrong I am not perfect. I am trying to better myself.
As far as someone else I sometimes suspect that but you know she really doesn't go out much although she is a SAHM so I'm not sure.
The last 4 days events have been interesting.
I am doing no begging or crying. I have told her I am concentrating on nothing but moving right now. Only 3 weeks left this is a bit bad timing.
I have told her that when we move I paln on unpacking upstairs and living in the house we just bought. I plan on sleeping in the masterbedroom in my bed and she doesn't like that situation she can change it. This is her decision and she can move forward with that decision if she wants.
I also said that the move and new schools is more that stressfull on the kids and I have no intention of dropping another huge bomb on them anytime soon.
She is also off to see a mediator today. I have said I will have no dealings with mediators or lawyers until after we move. I do not have the time or energy we have to move.
This did start fight but I stood my ground. Later she said to me "if you want me to move downstairs at the new place I will". I said "I told you what I want, but if you want to move downstairs that is your choice". She got quiet angry about this an I just went down to the garage to pack.
Funny enough the next day (yesterday) she emailed me 2 or 3 times and phoned me 3 or 4 times I ignored all but one email. She asked if I was stressed and I said "I am stressed about the move but am excited and happy because I love that town / house".
Again we all seemed pretty happy that night at home. She even emailed me to say she was having a good night!?!?!?
Then things did go downhill. I went to a 12 step meeting. I just left walked out the door without saying goodbye or where I was going.
When I came home of course she asked where I was. I replied that I went out. She really pushed and said I am your wife and we are still married.
I told her you keep saying you are not going to be my wife so I don't understand why I need to tell you where I was. I stood my ground.
She asked me if I had talked to my sponsor lately and I said yes. She asked if I went to see him I said no he is on vacation but I emailed him. She asked what he said about the situation and I told her it's probably best not to talk about it because she won't like my answer. She pushed so I told her he said to file for divorce and custody of the children tomorrow.
She became very upset and started calling me a lot of not very nice names. I stayed cool. A bunch more useless discussion took place and we went to sleep. By the way we are sleeping in the same bed still (with our backs to each other).
I wake up in the middle of the night and she is petting my hair. WTF?!?!?! We both fall back asleep.
She called my work today to tell me about my daughter who is potty training asking to got pee and did. She also appologized about last night and was still talking D.
I called back a left a message for my daughter about how proud I was and said nothing about last night events.
Sorry this is so long again I am caught up on everything and will post often to keep things shorter.
Any comments or suggestions would be great. You need not be gentle I can take it.
Good job on setting some boundaries. Do NOT move out of your bed, whatever you do!
Ordinarily, I would say that a wife who is running away from her family has no right to know where you're going, but she may just be genuinely concerned that you may be drinking again. Maybe you say something to her like "Look, I appreciate your concern, if that's what it really is, but since you're running away from our marriage right now, you really don't have any right to ask me about my whereabouts. I'm not drinking, if that's what you're worried about. Now, I need to go (insert GAL activity here)."
Please do not equate being a busy SAHM with not having time to have at least an online EA. With the "wonders" of modern technology (AIM, Facebook, etc.), it really doesn't take much, and she sounds pretty fogged-out, to me.
She asked me if I had talked to my sponsor lately and I said yes. She asked if I went to see him I said no he is on vacation but I emailed him. She asked what he said about the situation and I told her it's probably best not to talk about it because she won't like my answer. She pushed so I told her he said to file for divorce and custody of the children tomorrow.
Hey, I just got an idea, 'Nads (btw, LOVE the username ) If nothing else, it will help you separate her "genuine concern" from maybe her b.s.:
Why not make an offer of "mutual transparency" with her? You know, you will be transparent with her, but she needs to be transparent with you? Exchange daily schedules, usernames/passwords for any chat or e-mail accounts, cellphones, etc.? If she asks you why, say "I dunno, you seem like you might be genuinely concerned I might be drinking again, and I want to reassure you. Besides, AA teaches 'accountability,' so this seems like it would be a good accountability system for me. And I would feel better about it if it were mutual. To be honest, I'm more than a little concerned about you, too."
If she asks you why, just say "Because, I am. I love you, you're my wife, and c'mon, let's be honest -- we have enough baggage between the two of us for BOTH of us to be justifiably concerned, don't we? So how 'bout it?"
And see what she says.
My bet is that she won't touch it with a 10-foot pole, and will, in fact, get very angry and accusatory with you.
Whoa dude she would never go with that. Honestly she knows I am not drinking. I don't know something may be happening with her. For quiet a while there the computer history was always cleared as well as her cell phone. Not now.
Really I am sick of spying on her and the mistrust I really feels she can do what she wants and be responsible for her desicions. I am not in control of her.
See this is another issue we need to deal with in counselling. The mistrust. Crap happend and we need to learn to move on from it not dig it up over and over.
I would be so much less heartache and work to just spend 6 more months putting honest hard work into this than bailing out but she just won't see it.
On another note a new message on my work phone. Please pick up the dog at doggy daycare because I will be at the mediator appointment okay thanks. "Love You" WTF????? Maybe just by accident but she hasn't said that in 2 months.
I have been walking on eggshells for a year afraid to say anything that might be a problem. Well that didn't work as soon as I asked for my small change I'm dumped again.
So I'm growing a set. Not in a mean or cruel way just "this is who I am like it or leave it your choice. I have done stupid stuff so have you. Let's work on this and make it great.
Hmmm this all still sucks but that new attitude just mentally makes me able to cope today.
No, you are not "in control" of her, but you do have every right to protect yourself, and in fact an OBLIGATION to protect your family.
I'm not suggesting you "spy on her." I'm suggesting that you find out the truth about what's going on, so you can deal with it accordingly.
Puppy
Fair enough will consider how to handle it.
Maybe one more question. She is going to see this mediator today. Anyone have advice on how to handle this tonight.
Talk about it / Listen about it. I did say I was only working on moving so should I say I told you I would discuss this in a month after we have moved?
I haven't had a message from this woman in 2 - 2.5 months on my phone at work (i don't have a cell)
She has phone 3 times today. The last call she asked for me to phone back as I havn't responded to any call except about my daughters potty training achivement.
I probably will get flamed for this but I phone back and she appologizes for freaking out and swearing at me last night. I say okay. She ask why I didn't phone back. I said I'm busy at work. She says it seems like you are avoiding me. I don't answer.
I can tell this indiferece is throwing her. Will it work I don't know but it is for now making a difference.
Anyway she starts going on about what I am supposed to do while she is at the mediators (Arrgg) appointment and I cut her off and say I have to go and you told me all of this. I will see you when you get home.
) If nothing else, it will help you separate her "genuine concern" from maybe her b.s.: