PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Tuesday was pretty non-eventful. Just saw H for a little bit in the evening at home. H was in his room for a while on phone and then on computer while I was in living room watching a movie. H came into living room towards tail end of movie and stayed and watched. After movie was done I handed H the tv remote and went to bed.

Wednesday - When H came home from lunch, called me into office to show me a funny video clip on computer. Later in evening when H came home from work, I was in my bedroom with door closed getting dressed. Heard him leave quickly (he had already told me the day before that he had a hair appt). H came back afterwards and I saw him briefly in kitchen during which I got an eye-look of being checked out (I was dressed with a look like I might have plans, but didn't yet at that point). Then my phone rang which H heard. Took call in my room with door closed. Low and behold, I had a last minute invite to go to a concert. Quick grabbed my things and out the door I went. Had to pass H in the kitchen and just said a friendly "c-ya" as I left.

H still has that other car which I've become good at just blocking out. And when I got home at 2 am. H was still home and in bed.

I've really been doing some whole-hearted soul searching recently this past week. As much as I have tried to resolve the past as being the past, I decided to let my mind take me on a mental trip through all my time with H. This was in an effort to really take a look at all the major grievances and disruptive episodes in our history that have taken place and their relation as to the trust issues that I have always had with H. Looking back, it's really no wonder as to why the trust hasn't been there. It began when we were dating all the way up until this point. It forced me to take a hard look at the reality of H, this person who has continued to cause so much damage and hurt, and the chances of H ever coming to a determination to REALLY work on his core issues that have kept him in these patterns and cycles. Without that happening, there is no hope of a healthy R between us at all, just as in the past. History would be certain to repeat itself again.

With this perception, I think it's my only option at this point to go ahead and pursue the filing of the D. If I were to leave it up to H, even when I move out of the house, I'm certain that H would just drag things out and continue forever in his fantasy land. And even if H were to change course and want to try to reconcile, it's not just the simplicity of us not getting along, or communication, or trust broken from an affair. Our entire R has been shaped and formed from H in active sex addiction and me in active codependency.

Maybe from this DBing process I feel like for the first time in my life I am getting sober from my drug of choice, H. It is the strangest sensation, one I haven't experienced before. It is liberating and scaring me sh**-less both at the same time. I feel like I have been in a detox process these last few months and am coming out from the haze on the other side of it. If H were to come back into the picture at this point and I were to consider or re-enter a new R with him, I think it would be like picking up my drug all over again. I've come to realize that for a new R to even be a consideration it would take H to one, acknowledge that all of this mayhem is still stemming from his addiction (mixed with a MLC), two, take active steps to get himself help, and three, continue to work on himself and make changes and progress - To sum up, I would need to see a long-time/term pattern of action, not just words, promises, or short-lengthed attempts. And for me at this point, H would need to do this completely on his own, outside of any R with me.

We've been down the path of trying to keep our R while H gets counseling and me in IC as well for my issues. While I still see some evidence of positive growth and change in certain areas of our lives that seemed to stick and could have been a force for good and continued progress, we both backslid into old hurtful patterns and habits, leading us to where we are today.

I am in a new place, doing the hard work for me and changing for myself where I need to. Acknowledging the mistakes of my past, learning how not to repeat them, understanding what my portion was and how it contributed to the demise of my R, and accepting that my old R with H is dead and gone forever. Amazingly enough, I am feeling a sense of relief and like a very heavy weight that I have been carrying throughout all these years has been lifted.

So, with all that - I found the D paperwork through our county clerks website. All I have to do is print it and give to H with a comment of "There's some more paperwork that we need to finish up."

(Deep breath and big sigh) I think I'm ready...