WAW phoned at the start of my shift last night as the boys were upset they were sleeping at her brothers again. I felt sorry for the boys.
She then tells me that the boys had to be told off a little earlier as they were making too much noise upstairs and there is a 6 month old baby next door. I didn't tell the boys off or offer any support to help her. She is where she is through her choices. They are also her kids and she should control her relationship with them herself. Why should I be the bad cop? Why should I help her in trying to make it easier for her?
I did sympathize, but that was all. She sounded upset on the phone again, but couldn't wait to get off it.
Then I had a bit of a realization.
She is where she is through her own choices. She needs to handle the consequences. I should not be involved with her life - as and when it suits her. I can not change what she is doing by my words. I don't think I can change what she is doing by my actions.
She has no feelings for me. She is empty to me. She shows no anguish towards how I feel. She does not care about me.
She has show with whom she would like to spend her time with - the EA.
I still feel that it is an R of convenience in a lot of ways - but he has taken my place in her life. This hurts but it is a reality.
This may be reversed in the future. But as I said before, my words or actions will not change how she FEELS.
Only time will tell. Only over time she MAY reflect upon her present life and change her choices.
Time is the key here. Not my self inspections, self doubts and analyzing every word or action that occurs between us.
I will continue to have my dark days and doubts. I accept this.
I will continue to avoid all phone calls and texts.
I will continue to have the boys as much as possible.I will not try to push the boys onto her in an effort to make it difficult for her. I will continue to give my boys a sanctuary from what ever is going on when they are not with me and give them a stable HOME. I will continue to be the best Father I can.
I will continue to avoid physical contact. I must stop her thinking that I will always be here and will continue to wait for her. This allows her to think I am OK with it at the moment and allows her to be comfortable in what she is doing.
I will continue to listen and empathize with her when she talks. But I am not going to offer solutions to her or try to answer her unanswered questions or requests. I must get her to ASK DIRECTLY for what she wants. I am going to have to tell her to ask for things directly.
I will continue to ask for things to be done my way and get her to work around me, the boys and my schedules. She left me. She should not dictate what should be done.
I will continue to have a good R with my Stepdaughter.
I will continue to maintain contact with her Sister and not cut myself off from her side of the family.
But most of all I will do what I think is correct and not try to second guess what she is doing or wants or motives. This is going to be the most difficult. I will backslide on this sometimes. I accept this. But I will try.
I am at the point where if she told me that she was going to get a place for her to stay for long term - I don't feel upset about it. I think I am ready for D talk. I don't think that she wants to D, as she is confused - but she sometimes is cold to me and other times very warm.
For the first time I feel like I have let go of her, at least a little more than before.
Will she come back? I see no real signs of her trying to, and I see no real signs of her trying to improve our R. There are no little pet names, touches ect.
She is not at the bottom yet. She does not miss me. She does not need me.
But for the first time, I feel like I am on the way up and that I will be OK on my own with the boys.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
Waw arrived bang on time for the fireworks. That is 4 nights on the bounce, very unusual.
The evening went OK. The main thing is that the boys enjoyed it. The only thing was my eldest could see her EA in his car.
She texted him to drive away, and then to park on the front to stop him being seen by the boys and annoying me. A bit of thoughtfulness from her. It means nothing.
I enjoyed the evening with the boys, but after my thoughts last night which are in my last post, I realized tonight I did not want my WAW there. I don't feel like spending family time and sharing the boys with her.
I am still detaching.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
The WAW rang me in work to help the boys settle down and sleep as they get upset sleeping away from the home.
Then when the WAW got back on the phone she tells me during our conversation that I have not been honest to her through the separation - this is one of the issues she has, That I avoid telling her hurtful things, and it is true. I asked for an example but also asked for her to remember that we are separated and that she has not been forthcoming with the truth herself.
I knew it would be about xmas at her D. And it was. She told me that she knew of my plans 2 weeks before she brought it into the open. I explained that I did not evade the truth nor tell any lies, just that there was never the right time to tell her and I knew she would be hurt by it.
The conversation got deeper and turned onto, She said; She never wanted to leave me. Never wanted to hurt me. Never wanted to hurt the boys.
She knows that the current setup is hurting the boys, herself and me. She said that all she ever wanted to do was to make me happy, and that she had tried for years to get through to me. But all I did was push her away by not listening to her and giving her emotional support.
I agreed to all my failings.
She said that she does not want to stay at her Brothers. She says she wants to be at home, but that it still stings. She said she wants to communicate fully with me. I explained that being separated makes us double guess everything and look for the hidden meaning in everything.
I explained that I need her to ask me directly for what she wants, and if she has to use a 4x2 on my head. She agreed that blokes need to be told directly and can not take a hint.
She explained that she never wanted to move out. She explained that she had tried for years to get through to me.
I said perhaps I needed her drastic action to wake me up (I know this could be seen as giving her justification for her leaving, but it was a chance to say I needed to change and that I have done so)
I confessed to all my sins. She confessed to all her sins and not being perfect.
She kept saying that she did not want to leave me and that it is hurting everyone.
I asked her not to contact the EA in front of me and she agreed - another boundary set.
It was a conversation full of straight talking. It felt genuine. It felt like she was close to coming home, but she did say that she did not want to come home yet and that it still stings.
I think we have had a conversation along these lines before. I want to see the actions not just words. Still no mention of D at all. She spoke a lot about how she wants to come back and how much it is hurting everyone.
All she has to do is give me the call and I will pick her up.
But the facts are that she is not home yet - and this may be just typical WAW spouting. But a heck of a lot was said as the conversation was over 45 mins long. And it ALL felt positive.
Regards, Gyn
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
This is why it is just words. Nothing has changed.
It may have felt positive, but it is actions that count.
Regards, Gyn.
Cause all of the stars, Have faded away, Just try not to worry, You'll see them someday. Take what you need, And be on your way and, Stop crying your heart out.
I asked her not to contact the EA in front of me and she agreed - another boundary set.
It was a conversation full of straight talking. It felt genuine. It felt like she was close to coming home, but she did say that she did not want to come home yet and that it still stings.
The boundary should be she doesn't contact the OM ever. You are still too wishy-washy. She wants to connect with you, how many times did she just tell you that????? So you gave her permission to connect with the OM, she doesn't see you as being man enought to make her feel secure in your marriage. She wants you and you want to split time with her. You hold the key to opening this up. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
The main thing is that the boys enjoyed it. The only thing was my eldest could see her EA in his car.
She texted him to drive away, and then to park on the front to stop him being seen by the boys and annoying me. A bit of thoughtfulness from her. It means nothing.
don't they go to and stay overnight with their mother and he is there also?
do you have it in you to say, This contact between OM and the boys has got to stop! DO you realize the confusing message you are sending to them? I would prefer that they were affected in the least as we work through our marital problems.
