I never thought I would be here

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Three quick points, while they are fresh in my mind:

1. When you discuss the MC thing, and Rob's script above (which i love), I would add only "I won't waste my time or our family's money . . . " Much more powerful, and reminds a cheating (or thinking-about-cheating) spouse that you will NOT tolerate them squandering the family's finances on their affair.

2. Re: "soiled panties or condoms in the glovebox." Lest you think this is hyperbole, I would point out to you that BOTH have happened on this very forum just within the past 30 days.

3. "Amen, Amen Amen" to Rob's (or was it McQueen's?) suggestion to PRACTICE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY. Role-play it in your head, or -- better yet -- in a secluded place, OUT LOUD. Practice what you're going to say, HOW you're going to say it, your EYE CONTACT. Anticipate what SHE will say, and how you are going to respond. I sell for a living (and am very effective at it, and am a very good public and personal speaker), and yet I felt I needed to do this, as it is in these stressful moments when we are easily at our WORST. And at these times, you need to be at your BEST. And might I add, "I nailed that sucka."

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

get yourself one of those new camaros before you start giving your money to lawyers.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

oh, and:

4. No, Robx's is not "spouting off horrible advice" at all. In fact, I think it's a breath of needed fresh-air, and is SPOT-ON.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

3. "Amen, Amen Amen" to Rob's (or was it McQueen's?) suggestion to PRACTICE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO SAY. Role-play it in your head, or -- better yet -- in a secluded place, OUT LOUD. Practice what you're going to say, HOW you're going to say it, your EYE CONTACT. Anticipate what SHE will say, and how you are going to respond. I sell for a living (and am very effective at it, and am a very good public and personal speaker), and yet I felt I needed to do this, as it is in these stressful moments when we are easily at our WORST. And at these times, you need to be at your BEST. And might I add, "I nailed that sucka."

Puppy

actually it was you PDT a long time ago, that got that into my head. And saved me more than a time or 2. A couple doozies we had I swear her head was spinning around like Linda Blair's and whatever she was saying was hitting me like green vomit. IF i hadnt had my script memorized and didnt divert from it no matter what she fired at me I probably would have been walking away with my tail between my legs.

[2overcome]

Tried the "I have some thinking to do" approach... that didn't work as she keeps asking the question. But I am confronting her on this "friend" issue after work today... You know after reading the past few posts and thinking the more I realized she has disrespected me, and I'm not going for that sh**! I guess I was too blind, too nice, and too focused on trying to be positive to see that. And the more I think about it the more it gets my blood boiling. So my biggest priority is to vent all of the rage out before I get home, and call the bullsh** flag on her. I love her but I am not her doormat. I have done my best to respect her. She recently lost weight after she was diagnosed with a medical condition and once we got her on the diet based on her medical condition I thought she was looking hot. I have loved her no matter what she looked like, and I told her that. But I know then she wasn't happy with herself and whatever I would say or do wouldn't convince her otherwise (while she still had the weight). She loses the weight gets extra attention from guys, and then lets it get to her head and wants to go this route! WTF ?!?! I don't need this s***!

[robx]

get yourself one of those new camaros before you start giving your money to lawyers.

I saw a sweet one the other day,
a darker metalic red with 2 black stripes down the middle, along with decent rims & tires, it's the stuff of dreams I tell ya!!!

The 30something brunette driving it wasn't half bad either

... and now back to our regularly scheduled program ;-)

[robx]

Tried the "I have some thinking to do" approach... that didn't work as she keeps asking the question. But I am confronting her on this "friend" issue after work today... You know after reading the past few posts and thinking the more I realized she has disrespected me, and I'm not going for that sh**! I guess I was too blind, too nice, and too focused on trying to be positive to see that. And the more I think about it the more it gets my blood boiling. So my biggest priority is to vent all of the rage out before I get home, and call the bullsh** flag on her. I love her but I am not her doormat. I have done my best to respect her. She recently lost weight after she was diagnosed with a medical condition and once we got her on the diet based on her medical condition I thought she was looking hot. I have loved her no matter what she looked like, and I told her that. But I know then she wasn't happy with herself and whatever I would say or do wouldn't convince her otherwise (while she still had the weight). She loses the weight gets extra attention from guys, and then lets it get to her head and wants to go this route! WTF ?!?! I don't need this s***!

At least you admitted that your "have some thinking" approach didn't work.

You have to appear as if you have made the decision,
thinking suggests there is time left, ample time to fart around and then ask forgiveness for mistakes, etc.

[Steve McQueen]

Tried the "I have some thinking to do" approach... that didn't work as she keeps asking the question.

All right.

"I'm busy right now with XXX. Can we talk later."

"I told you, I need my space can you please respect that. You have always been like this pressure, pressure, pressure."

"We dont need to talk about anything, if you want one so bad do what you want. I am going out to tonight. let me get ready alone. and see you later."

[robx]

Tried the "I have some thinking to do" approach... that didn't work as she keeps asking the question. But I am confronting her on this "friend" issue after work today...

Good! About F!@#$% time!

You know after reading the past few posts and thinking the more I realized she has disrespected me, and I'm not going for that sh**! I guess I was too blind, too nice, and too focused on trying to be positive to see that. And the more I think about it the more it gets my blood boiling.

Get rid of the anger before you talk to her. Showing too much anger shows that you're still emotionally invested in her, her BS-meter will catch that and she won't believe a word of what you're saying.

So my biggest priority is to vent all of the rage out before I get home, and call the bullsh** flag on her.

Yes, go somewhere right now and scream your head off for a few minutes, yell, swear and get it all out of you. Trust me it will do wonders for you! The important thing is this, you don't do that to her, you're better than that, don't sink down to that level and a real man doesn't have to yell & swear at anyone to get their point across.

I love her but I am not her doormat. I have done my best to respect her.

Now repeat that part to yourself about a million times, you are NOT her doormat, you are NOBODY's doormat! You hear that sound, that's the sound of your self-esteem rising again - it's a beautiful thing and it's attractive to women, you are respecting yourself again, you are valuing yourself again, you don't have to settle for crap behavior, life is too short for that!

She recently lost weight after she was diagnosed with a medical condition and once we got her on the diet based on her medical condition I thought she was looking hot. I have loved her no matter what she looked like, and I told her that. But I know then she wasn't happy with herself and whatever I would say or do wouldn't convince her otherwise (while she still had the weight). She loses the weight gets extra attention from guys, and then lets it get to her head and wants to go this route! WTF ?!?! I don't need this s***!

Well it's a good thing I didn't mention anything about her losing weight and changing her appearance ;-)

Yes and that external validation, that attention she gets from other guys, it's a drug, I experienced this in my own situation, to my wife it's a drug and it wasn't something I was going to tolerate in my life. It's also a sign of low self-esteem on her part that she needs to seek external validation from other men to feel good about herself, but treating other people poorly is also a sign of poor self-esteem: that's how they feel good about themselves, making other people around them feel even worse.

When you do see her tonight, bring her into a room like the kitchen and sit her down at the table and look at her as if you have discovered a huge ugly secret about her and with a smug look on your face tell her, "WE need to TALK!"

And then proceed with what we've laid out, give her a moment to digest it and when she starts to reply back with excuses or explanations or tries to turn it around, remember what I said about ending that conversation, use the material as it's shown above and then turn your back & walk away confidently.

If you do it properly, that's where you will take back your portion of the control in the relationship.

You'll only get to this stage if you are properly prepared.

One last thing to pollute your brain with LOL! ....
Some guys have gotten to this point and their wives have even brought up marriage counselling, that's the point where you say "considering all that you've done to me so far, I'm going to have to think long & hard before even considering investing my energy into something like that. You've been extremely disrespectful to me and I can't forgive that so easily".

Remember, the WAS mentality, that's the mentality you have to use. It's your decision now to leave the relationship considering all the crap she's pulled - that's how you change the dynamic in your relationship, that's how the shift happens, it's your decision now whether or not this is worth it.

[BigJohn]

Robx,

Fantastic posts above as usual. Great insight and advice. Is it any wonder I started a post awhile back with your name in it? Hardly!

2OC,

You need to take what Robx and Puppy are telling you to heart, they are right on point with what is going on here. Especially in the early stages of your sitch, your position needs to be a balance of both strength and understanding. By "understanding" I mean actively listening to what your W is telling you about her new found feelings, empathizing, agreeing with her feelings even if you don't fully agree and/or understand them, etc. In other words, you are going to stand by your W while she deals with her problem/s in a responsible fashion.

By "strength" I mean that you are going to help define for her what it means to handle her feelings/problems responsibly. First and foremost, this requires her to respect you. One of the traps you need to be very mindful of in your sitch is giving your W too much latitude in her behaviors/actions as a result of trying to be understanding, giving her "space", etc. It is an easy trap to fall into- I'm speaking from personal experience here. The faster you can establish a strong position with your W the better off you are going to be in terms of trying to save your M as well as maintaining your mental/emotional/physical health. Reading some of your prior posts I think you have lost some ground here with your W. You need to stop the bleeding now and regain control of the sitch. You are not a punk; don't let your W and/or her OM treat you as such.

Your priority right now is to first develop some basic boundaries with your W and establish in no uncertain terms that you will not accept being disrespected further. Puppy, RobX and others can give you good feedback in this area. You may also benefit from reading "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. You can pick up a copy on Amazon. It's cheap, a good read and will help get your head straight on how things need to go down in your sitch with your W.

Once you have sufficient control over your sitch with set boundaries and expectations with your W you can start delving into better understanding what is going on with her and the MR. There are several good threads on this forum that explore this topic in great detail including my original thread over at WAS forum.

Hang in there and good luck.