Thanks so much everyone!! I feel so much better about coming here now!! Ya'll are the best! Nothing more to say!! I am just glad I found this place even though the reason for being here isn't great~
(((hugs))) to all of you too!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
You know, everything that Was said, about healing, about the timeline, it is where we have all been going, just not so directly.
We can’t do the work for you, just like no one did it for us, but we do and will try to get you to see it. I am sorry if you have felt like we were attacking you.
That is not the case here at all. You can vent and rage and just put it all out there, but when we feel that you may be getting stuck, or that you may be making excuses, we will and do point it out. That is because we have all been there.
I too have read those rules of thumb about healing timelines. I also read something from a very renowned psychiatrist who learned actually from one of his therapy patients, healing, can happen in 5 minutes or 5 lifetimes. There is no set time for it. We, as individuals, are the only one who can really determine for ourselves how long healing takes.
You are doing well. We just want to see you continue on your path of growth.
((((hugs))))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
A, I do not discount anything you feel or how you go about trying to reunite with your xh.
I simply do not believe in mlc because I have seen these behaviors at all ages. I think it's something that the LBS has to believe so that they can get through the day. Hey, whatever works.
But, people leave because they want to. End of story. I mean, seriously, if mlc were an actual, tangible syndrome, then every wayward spouse would eventually see the light and come running back out of the fog. There would be no second, third, etc marriages.
And I would hazard a teensy guess that there are people on this forum who have been married before and walked out on their loyal spouses "just because." Have all of them come "out of the fog?" Um.....that would probably be a NO. I'm just really sure that they don't give their former spouses a second thought.
And that brings me to the subject of wedding "vows." Someone on here made an excellent point about what exactly do they mean, anyway? And which ones are the "ones" that are meant? The first set, second, third.......?
Humans are the worst species on the face of the earth. We are cruel, heartless, selfish, and will do just about anything to get what we think we want, including wasting precious years waiting.....waiting for someone who most likely will never come back. And most of the WAS will never come back.
I am not saying this to be mean, or to squash anyone's hope, I am saying it because it is true. Hope is nothing more than despair anyway, right?
Do you really know the difference between an MLCer and a WAS? Because I do.
A WAS walks. NO looking back, no regrets, no continued contact. They have a PLAN.
An MLCer does none of those things. It may not happen over night, but they do talk, they do express regret, anger, frustration, sadness, and many other things.
Yes these behaviors can manifest at all ages. Which is why many of us here talk about life transition versus midlife crisis.
But that is up to you and your perception.
I have not chosen to stand for my marriage any longer, but I still do not doubt that my H is in MLC, that he is still as confused as he was a few years ago. Just yesterday I experienced more of that confusion with him.
If you feel that MLC is nothing more than an excuse, an excuse for a WAS’s bad behavior, and an excuse for the LBS to stand, to get stronger, to heal and to grow, then what are you doing here?
We are not here to try to talk people into one thing or another on this forum. This place is for support. For support to heal, grow, and make healthy decisions instead of choices from a place of negativity, anger and bitterness.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Humans are the worst species on the face of the earth. We are cruel, heartless, selfish, and will do just about anything to get what we think we want, including wasting precious years waiting.....waiting for someone who most likely will never come back. And most of the WAS will never come back.
I am not saying this to be mean, or to squash anyone's hope, I am saying it because it is true. Hope is nothing more than despair anyway, right?
WOW!! Thank you for giving all of us a glimpse of the negativity you choose to carry with you.
I don't agree, but I understand your point. How we see things is a reflection of who we are.
Even your comments about humans as the worst species, I get. Sometimes, we are. Sometimes, we are amazing in our capacity to do heroic and selfless things. IMO, that's what it is to be human.
Quote:
Hope is nothing more than despair anyway, right?
More than anything else you said, this struck me. We exist because of hope. Without it there really isn't anyhting. If you haven't ever read Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning", I highly recommend it.
Just for giggles and a different perspective, I like the old proverb "Hope is the dream of a soul awake."
Wow! This is getting good, LOL!! I believe in MLC from all the research I have done and how it matches my XH behavior to a T!! And, honestly my XH changed nearly overnight, he claims now he was unhappy before, but there were no signs and he still did all he had done for years the same (called me the "love of his life" everyday, called me 5 times a day, was interacting with me and the kids like always, etc.), then like an alien abduction that man was gone. So, I don't really believe he was unhappy for months or whatever before he "changed". It was just what he needed to say to convince himself what he was doing was ok. We all know they blame us for everything and make excuses for all their lies and deceptions, and this was one of my XH's.
I do think there are spouses that are not in MLC and walk away without looking back, without regret, get re-married etc. But, their behaviors are completely different. That is why some are MLC, some are WAS, some are just people who want a divorce for whatever reason (abuse, drinking, drugs, money issues, etc.) My XH is searching, he is searching for answers to all his pain and agnony, I can see it, and hear it. He is not just moving on and happy as a clam!!
I do have an update that is interesting to me. I spoke to the real estate agent for our house in GA yesterday for the first time. I just had no reason to really speak to him before now, cause XH was there and doing most of it. But, there was an offer I hadn't been informed of and called him. Anyway, it was a pure God moment! He is an incredible person. I was very upset when I called him because I had been left out of the loop on things. I told him, nicely, why I was so upset and he listened, then said he needed to share something with me. It is a long story, but basiclly he said a few months ago he invited my XH to church, he could see XH was a very lost soul, very depressed, seemed just blank. He said that a few years ago he and his wife were very unhappy, in short, they both ended up at church and found their way back to happiness. So, when he saw XH so bad off he invited him to church. I had tried to get XH to church for years, he would never go!! Well, a few weeks after he asked my XH, XH e-mailed him and asked the time of the services and if the realtor would meet him there. HE WENT TO CHURCH!! I started crying when he told me this!! We went on to talk for over an hour about so many things, and he told me that he is going to reach out to XH again and see what happens. They are doing a series at the church about family and wants XH to come or ask him to watch it online. I have no hope for anything to come from it, but even if it gets XH to be a better Dad, that is enough for me!! And, that coupled with what I saw when he was up here, and the fact he has started C, who knows what is going on with XH. He is searching and that is a good thing.
I went out with friends last night and had a blast! We are all divorced and supporting each other. I am working hard on GLA for ME and not all about my kids. I have not had any contact with XH about anything but stuff about the house and it was all via e-mail!
One of my good friends in GA gave me a wooden angle that say "Never lose Hope" right after Bomb in 2007! I will live by that for the rest of my life! I also think "don't return evil with evil" whenever when I think about OW!! Thanks again to everyone for caring about me so much as to post and help me. It means a lot to me and whether I like what I am reading or not it is all good and makes me think!
A
Me-40 XH-44 T-21 M-18 Div-19 mo. D-18,S-15,D-11 Bomb-7/07 EA,PA Mvd out-9/07-to give me space mvd back-12/07 mvd out-7/08 back with OW since 2/08 OW broke it off-1/10 in and out of tunnel and our life since!!
