Thanks for the good wishes! I ended up getting about 5 hours of decent sleep, plus 2 hours of tossing and turning. I think I do need a prescription for ambien cr or something similar.
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Thought of the day:
If Love is an action, not a feeling, then you don't need to ask someone if they love you or hear them say it to know if they do or if they don't. Just look at their actions toward you.
Likewise, don't point to your own feelings and declare them love. Look at your own actions.
In my case, both reflections are a bit painful. If I look at Mrs. T's actions toward me in the past few years, I see little to no love. Likewise, however, when I turn the flashlight on myself. For many years in our M, I declared myself to be in love, I said I loved her, but if I look at my actions during those years...not hateful, not mean, but certainly not loving. In fact, even during the past year I can point to instances where I was feeling love, but my actions were not loving.
In my case, both reflections are a bit painful. If I look at Mrs. T's actions toward me in the past few years, I see little to no love. Likewise, however, when I turn the flashlight on myself. For many years in our M, I declared myself to be in love, I said I loved her, but if I look at my actions during those years...not hateful, not mean, but certainly not loving. In fact, even during the past year I can point to instances where I was feeling love, but my actions were not loving. Sad how we treat each other...
Thinker how can you be a leader and turn this around. Empathy and Compassion may be a 180 for you. Measure your response to your wife's email about why you didn't call her. What got you to this point won't get you out. Be a Leader not not a follower. Compassion and Empathy. Remember God doesn't Love you any more than he loves your wife. I'm praying for you, your wife and your family. How would your friends react out side of this online community to the question your wife proposed to you? Take a deep look inside yourself. You are headed in the right direction. Peace
JJ
Last edited by JTJ; 11/05/0905:36 PM.
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I have been struggling a bit over the past day with backsliding into reconciliation fantasies. These do nothing but weaken my resolve and cause me pain when they inevitably collide with reality.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Don't worry about the reconciliation fantasies. Remeber why you came to this forum. What has helped me is the fact that I understand that my old marriage for my wife is dead and gone and she doesn't want to be there anymore. That also means if it is dead for her it is dead for us and for me. This does provide me with the opportunity to start over and learn what is important to her.
I may be mind reading here but she has not left, she is reaching out to you through emails. Does she still hope. I think so. Does she still care. I think so. But she can't go back to something that is dead and gone. She needs you more than ever to lead her out of this place of mourning. She can't be lead by how you feel she needs to be lead. Only how she want's to be lead.
She will only come back when there is something there that she wants to come back to. She loves you. She wants you to be the man she needs you to be and not the man you told her she needed. More prayers. Good luck.
JJ
H:37 W:34 D11,S8,S6 Together 19 years M:10 Bomb:4/09
I was wondering if any of you wise men had some advice on how to handle when your w says she hates you, wants you out of their lives, etc. I know so much of that is hurt, but how do you handle that immediate rage and upset?
Me 35 W 37 M 10yrs Seperated 5-23-09 Back in house 8-27-09 Looming seperation again 10-26 Kids: S8, D7
how to handle when your w says she hates you, wants you out of their lives, etc. I know so much of that is hurt, but how do you handle that immediate rage and upset?
Go to the DB store on-line here and order item #SP-U10x (pick your size S-XXL, only comes in green)) Also commonly known as the "spew raincoat."
You listen, validate if you can get a word in, and stay calm (don't match her emotions). It helps to know that anger is good, means she is still in the R.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
