I miss the emotional connection to my W much more than the physical so I am also an exception to the rule. In any case, PDT is giving wise advice to operate under the assumption that EA/PA is ongoing. I think the key is to be prepared mentally for whatever is your worse-case scenario so that if it comes to light, you will be able to handle it without backsliding. I was prepared mentally in my case so when I found out, it still hurt but I didn't fall apart.
As far as talking about the D or R, my wife had mentioned that she wanted to talk more about what was going on sometime soon. Now I perceive it is best to listen to what she has to say. More than likely she is going to also ask me if I feel better about the decision. What approach do I take to that question. So far she has asked that already and I replied "I have just been thinking about everything and figure some things out for myself" Is that the proper way to go about that? When she wants to talk about what to do, I am planning to try to avoid giving any input on my part but just telling her that I don't wan to talk about it that I want to clear my head and figure things out. Any advice to go about this?
Yes.
- VALIDATE her ("I'm really sorry you feel that way"); even AGREE with her ("I agree -- I've been thinking too, and I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake as well");
- GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing -- just LISTEN. "I'll have to give that some thought," or "That sounds like it has legal ramifications; it's probably best that I discuss that with my attorney" (use "my" and not "an");
- DO let her know that YOU have some decision to make, too -- this isn't just all her thing!
- DON'T make any concessions -- just let her know you've HEARD her concerns, VALIDATE them, and promise to get back with her.
If she asks you how you're doing, say something like "Considering what's been done here, remarkably well. It's forced me to do a lot of thinking myself."
The idea is not to be all pollyanna, but to let her know that you're STRONG, that you're ALSO reconsidering some things, and that YOU'LL BE JUST FINE, either way. You may still LOVE her, and WANT your marriage, but you don't NEED it.
That final distinction is important -- more for yourself even than for her.
Puppy
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Well, it seems my wife is pretty persistent on asking how I feel about the whole thing, and asks if I agree with the decision. Of course I'm thinking I'm not okay with it, but I tell her I've been thinking about it and trying to figure things out. Which of course she persists and saying I'm beating around the bush and it's driving her crazy. Later last night it clicked that I am going to tell her, "You know I've been thinking, and I think I'll be better off." Would this be the way to go? In truth I am better off no matter what, because I will be stronger from this and find who I was and be a better man (it will still hurt), and 2 if this does turn around I will be a better man and get the girl back. Any thoughts?
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
She has mentioned that her friend is coming back into town in a few weeks (guy) and if its cool if she hangs out with him. I told her to "Knock herself out and have fun". Now I believe this is EA #2 in a period of the past 3 weeks. (The first went sour apparently because the guy didn't want to be a home wrecker.) She then made the comment "So can I sleep with him?" (now mind you she kind of had that joking tone, but there is no telling) I of course gave her a sharp look, you know the one that says "Hell no!". On this notion I am thinking about taking a stand on this one and telling her that as long as we are in the same house and until things are final that isn't going to fly. Any input on how to handle a situation on this?
Last edited by rambler41577; 11/05/0903:04 PM.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
Well, it seems my wife is pretty persistent on asking how I feel about the whole thing, and asks if I agree with the decision. Of course I'm thinking I'm not okay with it, but I tell her I've been thinking about it and trying to figure things out. Which of course she persists and saying I'm beating around the bush and it's driving her crazy. Later last night it clicked that I am going to tell her, "You know I've been thinking, and I think I'll be better off." Would this be the way to go? In truth I am better off no matter what, because I will be stronger from this and find who I was and be a better man (it will still hurt), and 2 if this does turn around I will be a better man and get the girl back. Any thoughts?
I think that's good. I would add in something, like "Look, I think it's chickenbleep what you did, and that you're running away from the marriage rather than working on it, but I've been doing some thinking and I've decided that I also don't want to be with someone that would do that to me, so maybe this is for the best."
I would not have taken that. Completely disrespectful.
Set a boundary up here. As long as your both in the same house you will respect your marriage and each other. If she wants to have EA's and PA's then you walk by kicking her out.
That is called rubbing it in your face. Either stand up to that or not. Your choice.
She has mentioned that her friend is coming back into town in a few weeks (guy) and if its cool if she hangs out with him. I told her to "Knock herself out and have fun". Now I believe this is EA #2 in a period of the past 3 weeks. (The first went sour apparently because the guy didn't want to be a home wrecker.) She then made the comment "So can I sleep with him?" (now mind you she kind of had that joking tone, but there is no telling) I of course gave her a sharp look, you know the one that says "Hell no!". On this notion I am thinking about taking a stand on this one and telling her that as long as we are in the same house and until things are final that isn't going to fly. Any input on how to handle a situation on this?
She's testing you. I'd suggest you look at her incredulously, and just shake your head in disgust, mutter "Simply unbelievable," and then walk away, saying "I need to go get a workout in," (or some other GAL activity).
Do NOT give her permission to have an affair!
Another tack would be to say "Look, you're an adult woman, and I have no desire to control you even if you could. You need to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day, and your behavior is between you and God. But if you're looking for my APPROVAL, you're not going to get it."
