Depressive WAW or Depressive MLC?- both with an EA

[Gynandtonix]

WAW phoned at the start of my shift last night as the boys were upset they were sleeping at her brothers again.
I felt sorry for the boys.

She then tells me that the boys had to be told off a little earlier as they were making too much noise upstairs and there is a 6 month old baby next door.
I didn't tell the boys off or offer any support to help her.
She is where she is through her choices.
They are also her kids and she should control her relationship with them herself.
Why should I be the bad cop?
Why should I help her in trying to make it easier for her?

I did sympathize, but that was all.
She sounded upset on the phone again, but couldn't wait to get off it.

Then I had a bit of a realization.

She is where she is through her own choices.
She needs to handle the consequences.
I should not be involved with her life - as and when it suits her.
I can not change what she is doing by my words.
I don't think I can change what she is doing by my actions.

She has no feelings for me.
She is empty to me.
She shows no anguish towards how I feel.
She does not care about me.

She has show with whom she would like to spend her time with - the EA.

I still feel that it is an R of convenience in a lot of ways - but he has taken my place in her life.
This hurts but it is a reality.

This may be reversed in the future.
But as I said before, my words or actions will not change how she FEELS.

Only time will tell.
Only over time she MAY reflect upon her present life and change her choices.

Time is the key here.
Not my self inspections, self doubts and analyzing every word or action that occurs between us.

I will continue to have my dark days and doubts.
I accept this.

I will continue to avoid all phone calls and texts.

I will continue to have the boys as much as possible.I will not try to push the boys onto her in an effort to make it difficult for her. I will continue to give my boys a sanctuary from what ever is going on when they are not with me and give them a stable HOME. I will continue to be the best Father I can.

I will continue to avoid physical contact. I must stop her thinking that I will always be here and will continue to wait for her. This allows her to think I am OK with it at the moment and allows her to be comfortable in what she is doing.

I will continue to listen and empathize with her when she talks. But I am not going to offer solutions to her or try to answer her unanswered questions or requests. I must get her to ASK DIRECTLY for what she wants. I am going to have to tell her to ask for things directly.

I will continue to ask for things to be done my way and get her to work around me, the boys and my schedules. She left me. She should not dictate what should be done.

I will continue to have a good R with my Stepdaughter.

I will continue to maintain contact with her Sister and not cut myself off from her side of the family.

But most of all I will do what I think is correct and not try to second guess what she is doing or wants or motives.
This is going to be the most difficult.
I will backslide on this sometimes.
I accept this.
But I will try.

I am at the point where if she told me that she was going to get a place for her to stay for long term - I don't feel upset about it.
I think I am ready for D talk.
I don't think that she wants to D, as she is confused - but she sometimes is cold to me and other times very warm.

For the first time I feel like I have let go of her, at least a little more than before.

Will she come back?
I see no real signs of her trying to, and I see no real signs of her trying to improve our R. There are no little pet names, touches ect.

She is not at the bottom yet.
She does not miss me.
She does not need me.

But for the first time, I feel like I am on the way up and that I will be OK on my own with the boys.

Regards,
Gyn.