As far as talking about the D or R, my wife had mentioned that she wanted to talk more about what was going on sometime soon. Now I perceive it is best to listen to what she has to say. More than likely she is going to also ask me if I feel better about the decision. What approach do I take to that question. So far she has asked that already and I replied "I have just been thinking about everything and figure some things out for myself" Is that the proper way to go about that? When she wants to talk about what to do, I am planning to try to avoid giving any input on my part but just telling her that I don't wan to talk about it that I want to clear my head and figure things out. Any advice to go about this?
Yes.
- VALIDATE her ("I'm really sorry you feel that way"); even AGREE with her ("I agree -- I've been thinking too, and I'm beginning to think I've made a mistake as well");
- GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing -- just LISTEN. "I'll have to give that some thought," or "That sounds like it has legal ramifications; it's probably best that I discuss that with my attorney" (use "my" and not "an");
- DO let her know that YOU have some decision to make, too -- this isn't just all her thing!
- DON'T make any concessions -- just let her know you've HEARD her concerns, VALIDATE them, and promise to get back with her.
If she asks you how you're doing, say something like "Considering what's been done here, remarkably well. It's forced me to do a lot of thinking myself."
The idea is not to be all pollyanna, but to let her know that you're STRONG, that you're ALSO reconsidering some things, and that YOU'LL BE JUST FINE, either way. You may still LOVE her, and WANT your marriage, but you don't NEED it.
That final distinction is important -- more for yourself even than for her.
Puppy
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Well, it seems my wife is pretty persistent on asking how I feel about the whole thing, and asks if I agree with the decision. Of course I'm thinking I'm not okay with it, but I tell her I've been thinking about it and trying to figure things out. Which of course she persists and saying I'm beating around the bush and it's driving her crazy. Later last night it clicked that I am going to tell her, "You know I've been thinking, and I think I'll be better off." Would this be the way to go? In truth I am better off no matter what, because I will be stronger from this and find who I was and be a better man (it will still hurt), and 2 if this does turn around I will be a better man and get the girl back. Any thoughts?
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1867595#Post1867595
