Separated--Does Not Admit to OW

[saffie]

benotafraid,

Never under estimate the effect that one's children's opinions can have on your S. Also, I think you did so well in telling your H that your felt bad that the M had deteriorated to the point that he felt he needed to turn elsewhere. That was very much what happened in my sitch. It was when I told my H how sad I was that our M had gotten to such a bad place and that I wanted to improve it, that he actually told me about OW and their plans. OW had left her H and small children at that time and was waiting for my H to try and 'oust' me from the family home so she could move in.( Words can never express how I feel about OW.....even after all this time). However, me showing my H I recognised my part in the M breakdown, ( and although I never said this at the time, I DO NOT BELIEVE there is any excuse for an A), sort of diffused things. My H then started to remember the good things in our M and suddenly OW did not look like such a good alternative.

I know this is a terribly sexist thing to say, but I think it takes a lot to make a man actually go to the effort of splitting up and moving on. An A may be one thing, but all that upheaval that goes with D is another. I think that they will take the easiest route and so you need to make staying with you look to be the easist route. Make contact pleasant and enjoyable between you. Don't worry if your children want to express their opinions: they have a right to do so. I always made sure my children saw though that there were two sides to everything, and that I had done things to make their dad feel so unhappy that he had then felt he needed to look elsewhere for comfort. I never acknowledged that looking to another person was ok though.

My second D, who was about 13/14yrs old at the time, knew who OW was, and she phoned OW and told her exactly what she thought of her. That REALLY shook OW up.

Like in Lotus' case, when reality hits and the OP sees what they are going to have to deal with in it's entirety they often get cold feet. They are not just taking on your S, but also taking on what is often a whole hostile extended family. Air the situation, let it see the light of day, and see how quickly the excitement fades for your H and OW and reality kicks in. At the same time though, keep the way for your H to come home to you open and pleasant. Acknowledge both sides problems in your M breakdown and look for solutions;together if possible.

I believe that DBing can help a lot in aiding one in coping with the pain and in identifying areas of self improvement and in finding one's 'self' again, but you do still need to communicate with your H if you want things to progress. Going dark and no R talk are for periods when you aren't getting on and just argue; they are to help you avoid making things worse. However, they will only ever get you to a certain point. That's where people often fall down in piecing - they are too scared by then to actually try to talk to their S and they walk on egg shells. If your communication channels are good then use them - but do it wisely; own your own sh!t, don't accuse, think how you are going to phrase things so as to make them non threatening. Be as welcome as possible. Make yourself the better alternative. Be sincere in wanting to make the changes to improve your M.

When my H and I got down to the 'nitty gritty' we realised we did just want to be with each other, we had just forgotten that in the milieu of child rearing etc.

We went to the abyss, and my H, just like yours, really thought he loved the OW......but he didn't. He loved feeling wanted again because I had stopped making him feel that. Now he can't even believe he was such a walking midlife cliche and as for OW? Well he can't believe he would have ever stooped so low.

Keep at it - you have lots of positives in your sitch - and let your children help if they want, but ensure they see balance too or your H will think you are using them as a weapon. He will always be their father.

Don't under estimate the power of how OW's H could help you also, and OW's children's opinions.