Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

You need to make a decision about how you plan to DB this M. We can give you our opinions but it still goes back to what you feel is right and will do.

I really don't know anymore. You're right. I am exhausted emotionally. I feel bad about it too as I was, at least I thought, doing so very very well. I was in control. I could see the future again without her and life, while still a struggle at times, was actually going pretty well.

I don't know how to DB this M. I really, truly don't. We had a good night last night and we chatted away which I saw as a positive sign but all DBing goes out the window as the emotions all come flooding back and I find them difficult to control.

I believe that you need to take time to decide how you are going to handle this and then stick to it instead of being wishy-washy b/c that just keeps you torn up and it does nothing as for the DBing.

I actually thought I had made a decision on how to handle it right up to the point where she came in and everything fell apart.

But the way you "thought" you were handling things when she came over to your house the last time.....and what she saw, was two different things, IMHO. I think you were pursuing big time and even though you felt like the visit went well....I think you based that opinion on the fact she seemed to be in a decent mood.

Not just the mood but also the interaction and the fact that there was no stress, at least from my side.

Why are you afraid of the LRT? What is the LRT to you?

Absolutely terrified of LRT. I know the reasons I should do it and I 100% agree with them, however my gut tells me when I do LRT I will NEVER see my W again. That terrifies me.

LRT to me is just go dark, no contact, nothing. It would be best for me as during the times when I have had no contact I actually get on really well as the other posts I hope demostrate.

Well it seems there are different opinions here on the board about wearing the rings, but when you take it off...you are making a statement, right? So if you turn around and put it back on....you are saying, "I changed my mind" and to me it is a form of pursuing.

I completely agree. It is also saying that "I can't make up my mind what I want".

Others call it making a stand for your M....but it is just a difference of opinions. However, if you are going to wear your wedding band, for crying out loud--wear it on the correct finger. What would wearing it in the middle finger signify? To me is would be saying, "I really want to wear my wedding band but I'm scared of her reaction...and since we may be headed for a D, I'll just not put it on the ring finger...and maybe that will keep me out of hot water with her". It is really a cowardly way of making a statement, so either go all the way or don't wear it at all.

Yeah, I agree. I want to fight for my M but I need to change my mind again (yes, I do that all the time especially when emotional). I have been wearing it for just a day and while it felt right when I put it on, it just doesn't feel right now. It feels like I am clinging to something. It just feels wrong. I suppose I had to wear it for that day to see. I have taken it off again. No doubt my W will see that as more indecisiveness.

No, I'm not telling you to do that again. I'm saying that whichever way you decide to go....stick with it b/c it is is about "you" and how it makes you feel....and not to put pressure on her. I personally feel it was a backslide when you put everything back and it sends mixed messages to her....(and to your D)...but that is MHO.

I completely agree. It sent the wrong messages that I was clinging and pursuing. While, like the ring, I felt good to put it back up, it just also felt wrong today. I actually felt a little "dirty" if that's the right expression.

You seemed to have felt stronger about your life when you took the pictures out of sight, and it made a statement about "you". You were showing that you were strong and were going to make a life for you and your D and would move ahead in spite of the situtation.

I did.

coming over there to see what you did (putting thhings back the way they were) and you were watching for her reaction. Whatever action you do in DBing, do it based on strength & honor and not based on emotions and weakness.

I didn't actually look for her reaction as I never really saw her for most of the night, but I still take your point.

So, is there a way you could go without any contact with her and have another person act as a "go-between" when she is suppose to visit your D?

I could. But bear with me and I will try to explain.

I have two views on this. My W left me AND my D to start a new life so why should she continue to play happy families with my D and act like she is still her step-mother. As an example, last night my W shouted downstairs from the toilet to my D, nicely, asking her where she puts <whatever it was> and it should be in the bin and not in the toilet ... I actually thought at the time "wait a minute, that's not your job anymore to chastise her". So my feelings there are she needs to realise the consequences of her actions.

My other view is that I gave my word that I would keep this going while it's not detrimental to my D. Both my D and my W want the contact to continue.

So if I broke contact, I would be breaking my word. Then again I want her to realise that she has broken our family apart and if she wants to still be a step-mum, she needs to step up and fight for our M.

Deep down, I know the LRT is the only way to go as the contact is crippling me for a few days after each contact and my W needs to realise her actions have consequences. So far I've been 'yeah come in and spend time with the D you abandoned just like you never left'. And to be honest, last night did feel a little like she had never left. She acted like she still lived there. She acted like she was still my D's step-mum. She even told me she spoke to my D and told her, no matter what happens, she will always love her. I just thought you are getting in there before Daddy does what he has to. I also thought, if you loved her that much, you would have fought for our M at least a little.

But, and I know this may sound weak and a bit patronising as most of you guys have probably been here, I know deep down that it will be the last time I see or hear from my W. That is a really tough place to be.

What I did realise when she was here is I still do, deeply deeply love my W. I still don't think I am in love with her but I do deeply love her. Letting her go is the only sensible thing to do but it's just so hard for me.