Not Me...Ever part 2

[Serenity13]

(((Friends)))

First I will say thanks to Trent, Kara & Deep for coming in last night with their encouragement, kind words and thoughts...

Today was a long day (long post as well)...

I will start with my S and the appt. we had with the DA...

Not as bad as it could be however still not the greatest...

He has 3 charges - 2 of which are 2nd degree felonies...

He could potentially be on probation for 5 years however since this is his first bout of trouble ever we are hoping for leniency...

He (or we) will have to pay restitution (won't know how much till we go to court later on this month), on probation we will also have to pay 1 dollar a day for everyday he is on along with court costs...

Yes it makes me angry however I am proud he "owned his s**t" and offered to work off the damage...

In a week and a half, he has done almost a 180 so I am hoping he learned his lesson and this is the end of his foray into delinquency...

I went to see a lawyer today to find out where I stand...

Before I walked in the office I said a prayer that God would be by my side while I was in there...

Since I don't want a divorce, the best I can do is child support (filing is done already)...

He told me my options if I do decide to file or if my H files...

Not the best but not as bad as I imagined...

I would lose my health/base privileges...

In order to retain them, we have to stay married for 2 more years...

I would still be entitled to 1/2 his retirement...

The boys would be covered until they turned 18...

I cried like day one sitting in that office and when all was said and done the lawyer asked me if I was religious in any way, said yes, he said he would say a prayer then referred me to the Chaplain (how is that for an answered prayer?)...

I headed over to the Church...

Talk about deja vu...

It was the same Church we were married in 20 years ago...

I was distraught sitting there...

Basically at the end of my very threadbare rope...

I had so many conflicting emotions running through my mind and then the Chaplain came and we talked for about 1 1/2 hours...

She took some notes then wrote down different things for me to move forward while not abandoning my beliefs...

She then showed it to me and it was like a light came on dimly at first...

The list had ways to help the boys & to help me spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically (why didn't I think of making a list???)...

We talked about my beliefs and where I was with that and I told her honestly that I feel stuck...

I feel like I have been backed into a corner and I can't fight my way out of it no matter how hard I try because I don't want a divorce...

She said why do I feel stuck, I said because I don't know how to move forward without giving in to him...

So we removed him from the equation altogether...

Basically DBing with more focus on my walk with Him and no focus on what my H is doing...

I will continue to stand for my marriage however I now have tools to allow me to focus on my kids and myself, I have additional tools (besides DB) to calm my mind, I have a new smaller support system in place (IRL not here), I sat down with the little one tonight and told him in 6 year old language that I don't know when his Dad would be coming back...

I told him we all make choices and right now Daddy is making some not so good choices and the best thing we can do is pray for him...

He understands God/Devil so I said when we make "good" choices we are allowing God to be in our hearts and guide us...

When we make "bad" choices, we are letting in the Devil and he is then guiding us...

He says to me, "Daddy is letting the Devil in so I will pray God jumps in his heart and helps him make better choices"...

There was still a part of me that was unsure of my choice,(because I always second and third and forth guess any choice I make) and as I sat next to my little one as he was falling asleep, I was just talking to God...

Asking for nothing but basically just talking about the day and the doubt still nagging me...

Why can't I let the doubt go?

Why can't I just "be"?

I laid my head back on the pillow listening to some music, hoping for something from God to help ease the doubt...

The next song on the radio?

"Faith" by George Michael -

I sat up and just laughed, said to myself "You have got to be kidding me"...

Yes my beliefs have been tested, all of ours have however you hold onto your beliefs...

Don't let ANYONE get in there and change that...

Yes you will doubt, you will fear and you will worry but if you take the moment to just "be" you will have your answer.

And for the record, I am in it for the long haul ~ No matter what