You know, I get this sentiment of forgiving the WAS and the OP, and basically letting go any anger and resentment that might harm ourselves. I believe both the spouse and the OP are equally guilty for breaking up a M in such cases. For our own sake, it is sound policy to give these injuries over to God and to let go of any pretense of a claim against these people. By my forgiveness of those who have harmed me I am freeing myself from that prison of resentment I would otherwise make for myself.
Where I draw the line is this notion that forgiveness means I can necessarily be friends with these people, as some seem to suggest. It isn't so. Furthermore there's a huge difference with managing to get along with some person who comes along after the end of your M and has a R with your former spouse ~versus~ the OP who was equal partner in being the destroyer of your M. The very fact that someone would willingly and knowingly aid and abet the dissolution of someone's M for their own self-serving ends automatically paints them as someone not to be trusted. Forgiveness in no way implies trust of an offender.
In my own case, I can forgive the OP and place my trust in the Lord to eventually deal with them and my ex, in His own good time. I thus free myself up to move forward in my life according to where God leads me. (I can even thank God that someone came along to act as the foil and clearly demonstrate for me the depths of moral corruption to which my former spouse had descended.)
But no way on earth can I ever be expected to trust someone like that. That would be stupid folly. And while I can understand being peaceable around these conspirators for the sake of my children, I don't understand this blanket prescription to accept or even embrace these OP as if that's really what's in the best interests of the children. It might be in some cases, but not all and certainly not most.
The plain fact is that the OP may not be an "axe murderer", but I still don't want someone with such low moral standards and predatory thinking exposed to my children, especially when they're so unrepentant. He is not a good influence and an absolutely abhorrent person to be anyone's role model, least all for my S's.
Some here might think my resistance is "unhealthy" for my kids, well, that's your opinion. I am happy for you if your own particular circumstances happen to allow you the luxury of being able to embrace your ex's new SO as a positive influence on your children. But in most of these cases, where the new R was founded in unrepentant infidelity and immorality, with this same person, you cannot automatically prescribe such a course with any credulity. Most often the OP has been a willful enemy to the family and thus a threat to the children's well being.
By way of analogy, just as I do not hate the snake that bit me and nearly cost me my life, neither would I ever trust that snake now that it has been identified. And it is through love of my children that I will do what I can to protect them from such harm as well.
