rocked, glad to hear that you are feeling a tad better. And hey, being there for your kids can very much be part of GALing eh?
as for what your H said about dating other men, talk is cheap. And remember what they said about not believing what the WAS comes up with. He will feel very different about things if reality smacks him in the face. But you do what feels right for you.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Do you think so Deep? That was one of the things that hurt the worst. The thing is I have lost a lot of weight and get tons of attention from men. That feels good, and it has happened even when H is around and he doesn't seem to notice or care. He used to compliment me and tell me how proud he was of how I looked. I know that I could easily encourage attention from men and get it... but I don't feel comfortable with that. It seems like for most men that would get their attention, but with H it seems like he truly doesn't care anymore. I do wonder though if it really happened if that would be different for him.
Anyway, you are right that being a good mom is one of the ways I am GALing right now. H is missing out on some fun, quality time with the kids. I did get a strong reaction from him once recently when I talked to him about how much visitation he might like if he becomes a divorced dad. He got very upset and didn't want to talk about it anymore. H comes from a divorced family himself and has often talked about how he will never forget the pain of the day his dad drove away with his suitcases. Yet, here is considering doing the same thing! boggles my brain!
I so appreciate male perspectives telling me what most men find attractive... I know I need to work on confidence, assertiveness and mystery... I am way too predictable and available. Being confident at the same time you are being rejected by the man you love is the task of a lifetime! but it is what I need to do.
Rocked, mystery is all fine and good in the romance stage and in the crappy sitches a lot of us find ourselves in. Is predictability and availability all that bad necessarily? People always take things for granted, and WAS often veer away from those qualities, but I feel it's an essential part of the bedrock that anchors stable, loving relationships. Sure, injecting surprises and mystery to keep the spark going is important, but like a thrill ride, you get on knowing it's gonna be a blast for a while but you're going to be sick if you stay on too long.
The point is that YOU know you are one attractive, fabulous woman and if H had any sense, he'll know it too. His loss if he doesn't. You can't force him to see it, but if he doesn't someone else will. That it doesn't matter to you because you are committed to your family and vows doesn't make it any less true.
Trust me, no man is going to be fully comfortable seeing the attraction of a W he has tossed aside through another man's eyes. If nothing else, it will make him think. But you don't have to actively pursue that as a goal if you're not comfortable. Just knowing that you can if you chose to will make all the difference.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Thanks Deep, that is good clarification for me, and fits who I am. I am trying to figure out how to do some of this with still staying true to who I am... and maybe even discovering parts of the "true me" that have been neglected in meeting everyone else's needs.
You are right ... I AM one fabulous attractive woman! (why is it so hard for me to put that in black and white... I feel guilty or something... weird!) Maybe it is finally time I OWN that and LIVE it! I was very inspired by Kara's thread "Doing Me". That is what I need to do... find ME and DO it!
Just knowing that within myself... knowing that if H is such a freaking idiot that he walks out the door and pursues a 23 yr old alcoholic/addict and ruins his life... there will be good, attractive men with integrity who would honor commitment out there who would see what I have to offer and appreciate it! I know that is true. I just need to KNOW it, I don't have to violate my values with acting on it.
Thanks Deep! you have given me a boost... :-)
Cutter... I hear you. I do struggle with what H's complaints were when the bomb was dropped about what I had been doing wrong in the R. So, for the past few months I have tried to change those things, 180s. But... to what effect? None so far. It is true that it will likely get his attention much more if I don't meet them. Maybe I just need to be so busy being fabulous that I don't have time to meet them... lol (ok I'm not there yet, but that is my goal...)
as for what your H said about dating other men, talk is cheap. And remember what they said about not believing what the WAS comes up with. He will feel very different about things if reality smacks him in the face. But you do what feels right for you.
I have but some tought into the words, "Go out an get it someplace else." It is NOT an UNIQUE phrase to this site. Guilt, perversity, shame, rationalization for their behavior, idk in your case, but one thing for certain you can for sure remove 'MLCH 41' from your signature file. Your husband is not in mid-life crisis he is in a full blown affair. Give him the dump and watch him come running back. Endorphins run out, sex goes vanilla and younger girls cost more than there worth. LOL. sorry youngins.
lets cover a few points here,
first, you wrote "I do struggle with what H's complaints were when the bomb was dropped about what I had been doing wrong in the R. So, for the past few months I have tried to change those things, 180s."
lets hear his complaints. and more importantly as you have spent time reading other peoples storys, what things do you feel you have done or ways you acted that may have driven him away. honestly think about your behavior not his complaints about it, thats is where your 180's will be more important.
secondly, He will feel very different about things if reality smacks him in the face. Now, I dont want to be so callous to say Men think of their women as possessions. But there is a point to that that I cannot put into other words this morning. Men, even wayward Men, become very jealous and even possessive of their women/wives when another man is showing interest in them. That is something to think about on this happy hump day.
It may go against what you feel is the right thing to do as you say; (however as you read this bulletin board you can see over and over again what WORKS and what does not). The right thing to me would be to do what WORKS.
Let me ask, are you a good actor? Can you play the part of the Magician? There was a thread awhile back by a gal named PearlHarbor. She created an illusion of others in the picture and that and giving him the dump worked for her.
possible examples to create that illusion: Going out with no excuse or location given, staying out late, stay out late till 3:30 in the morning!, Mysterious cell phone calls, remember to clear your history!, oh dont forget texting, hahaha. and the new sexy panties and nighties not hidden all that well. maybe a couple of books on the nightstand, how to talk to the children about divorce, and tantra sex positions. oh and i forgot the guys name that always pops up esp. in quirky phrases like Bob is so weird he must be an alien or I cant believe he would order spegetti for lunch. Cha ching. that would be a killer to hear, who the hell he she going out to lunch with, she is suppose to be waiting a home pining over me?
The new attitude, "you are right, this isnt working out." "I dont have time for someone that doesnt have time for me." "gotta go talk to you later ba-bye."
you got it, "You are right ... I AM one fabulous attractive woman!"
Thanks Steve... in a hurry this a.m. but I am going to ponder your words today and I can feel a shift happening for me. I know something has to change here. Maybe I am a better actress than I know! lol I will "noodle" this today and post back later. I really do appreciate the male perspective! :-)
Oh, btw... my mantra today, no matter what the day brings: I AM A FABULOUS, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN!
Thanks Steve... in a hurry this a.m. but I am going to ponder your words today and I can feel a shift happening for me. I know something has to change here. Maybe I am a better actress than I know! lol I will "noodle" this today and post back later. I really do appreciate the male perspective! :-)
Oh, btw... my mantra today, no matter what the day brings: I AM A FABULOUS, ATTRACTIVE WOMAN!
So... last night H came home around 1:00 am to a dark and locked house. Was snapping at me this morning about paying a bill. I calmly stood my ground and stated since the full burden is on my shoulders he has no right to complain. If he wants to take on some responsibility, then he has a right to speak up. Wished him a good day, hugged the kids and out the door. Half an hour later, H is calling my cell phone to apologize. I let it go to voicemail. H tried calling again. Didn't pick up. H tried emailing me at work. I didn't respond. H tried calling again after lunch. Didn't pick up. Finally cheerfully answered his call at 4:00. H in pouty voice wondering if I don't check my emails or messages anymore? (lol). I'm biting my tongue not to say welcome to my world! Oh, I breezily let him know I was busy today. H then starts to tell me all about his day (hasn't done that in a while) and asked about my day (been even longer...) H trying to keep me on the phone but I gotta run... stuff to do ya know! H then informs he will be working late tonight and next night again (oh, like I am so shocked... par for the course by now). I don't let this effect me at all and cheerfully say goodbye. Tonight... I also took his parking spot in the driveway which is closer to the door than mine, will shut off lights and lock door again. In the meantime, still taking care of sick kids but feeling stronger. Rocked is rockin' HIS world for once! Bring it!:-)
