Hi...I'm in the same sort of boat...it is sooo hard for me to resist opportunity to see H when it arises but I'm learning that it usually isn't good...turns ugly..into R talk (probably because I'm so hard wired to feel)...and new drama pops up every day that test me as well....but I have been learning to resist txt..(I think how txt are so detremential when it comes to R)...and what I've learned is..the more I resist, the more H pursues but...then we are back to square 1 because once H pursues I have hope...sighhh
I need a new name, VH. I'm starting to feel more and more like this is his problem, not mine.
So what I did; pick a pseudonym. (No, Trent is nowhere near my actual name!) That way, you can use it both now and when things are getting better.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Him? Me? Both of us? I'm always paranoid that he'll think I'm telling them not to call or visit. Son wanted to call tonight, I dialed the number. I kind of took his text to imply that he thought I was purposely keeping them busy. I'm almost tempted to tell the kids they can't go on their trip with the Grandparents just so they can spend time with H.
Hi...I'm in the same sort of boat...it is sooo hard for me to resist opportunity to see H when it arises but I'm learning that it usually isn't good...turns ugly..into R talk (probably because I'm so hard wired to feel)...and new drama pops up every day that test me as well....but I have been learning to resist txt..(I think how txt are so detremential when it comes to R)...and what I've learned is..the more I resist, the more H pursues but...then we are back to square 1 because once H pursues I have hope...sighhh
I agree, it is hard, but never NEVER get into R talk. I mess up my DBing left and right, but I manage to stay ticked off enough that R talk is the last thing I want to do. LOL
I think we are all hard wired to feel, but bring the feelings here. These fine folks have talked sense into me many times.
K, so I need some clarification. I have read DB and the whole holding off the "R" talk. Does anybody have any proven success at this? I'm completely just needing some honest clarification on this. I understand it is part of the process, but I just don't quite understand why? And if it works? thanks to anybody that can clarify this for me!
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
ok here is some quick clarification: - when you and your hubby originally started dating, did you spend alot of time talking about relationships and making them work?
Allow to be so bold as to answer that for you (and correct me if I'm wrong, please do):
.... ummm NO! You probably didn't talk about relationships that much and you certainly didn't do anything that resembled working on a relationship. You dated, you had fun, you looked forward to seeing each other, you probably did little things for each other every now & then, shared meals together, did things together, etc. And none of that probably involved working on a relationship or talking about your relationship. You just did what you did and it was fun.
So what's wrong with that?
Why do you have the need to have these R talks? What are you going to get out of it?
Security? Maybe but you're not at that point yet.
Let it be, use this time to enjoy each other again, take it slow, allow him to be comfortable with you again and allow yourself a break as well, just enjoy the moment. You don't know what tomorrow will bring so stop worrying about it, just enjoy today.
I'm telling you, it's taking alot of personal control on my part not to drop the F-bomb at the end of everyone of these F!@#$%* sentences!
K, so I need some clarification. I have read DB and the whole holding off the "R" talk. Does anybody have any proven success at this? I'm completely just needing some honest clarification on this. I understand it is part of the process, but I just don't quite understand why? And if it works? thanks to anybody that can clarify this for me!
Trying to initiate R talk would be considered pursuit; you are pushing them to make some kind of decision or commitment.
Example: One time, I tried to bring up "where to we go from here?" -- meaning, are we going to try to work things out? -- and my wife replied with "I guess I'll figure out how to file for D." What she meant was, she was going to look into what it takes to file. I took it completely differently, as in she was GOING to file. That was a rough day for both of us.
If you succeed at DB'ing, at some point your spouse should take a look at the R and tell you "I think I want to try to make this work".
Of course, if you get stuck in limbo or your spouse is cake-eating, you may need to turn into a WAS and drop your own bomb. Hopefully, they are interested enough in the R again to pursue you. (And we know that becoming the WAS works, because isn't that how they got our attention?)
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Him. Him. He says something without really coming out and saying it directly (you're keeping me from seeing my kids), by evasively saying it this way
Originally Posted By: Sad Gir
Well, pls find some time for me for ONE day some weekend with my kids, sometime soon.
When you respond , "I'm not keeping you from them," he's able to say, "What? I never said that."
It's just a form of implying something so heavily but carefully wording it so that when you infer correctly what he was in fact saying, he gets to cover his @ss by pointing out he never actually said that. It's a game. "Technically, you can't nail me; nyah, nyah, nyah"
Hope I cleared that up (though I think I may have muddied the waters even more)
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
