Trent, what do I tell them when they ask why he choose to leave? I always say Dad left because of me. Your father loves you and this has nothing to do with you. D11 says if he loved us he would be here.
Like I said: your kids will figure out the truth. Sounds like D11 is on her way there.
For someone who was saying that she doesn't want her kids to hope in vain, "Your father loves you and this has nothing to do with you" is pretty much doing exactly that.
And their father doesn't love them, or he wouldn't be acting like the selfish punk that he is being right now.
Originally Posted By: Sad Girl
It's hard. I can't tell them why he left because I don't really know why he left.
Which is why I've been saying, over and over again, that he needs to be the one to tell them. And your role is to make sure that he doesn't stretch the truth by claiming it's a mutual decision, or foisting all the blame off of you.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
Thank you, Trent. I really needed to hear all of that. I am spending too much time worrying about how he thinks and feels.
I'm going to stop feeling badly that he left. That is his problem, not mine. In fact, I just told two of my friends, and I didn't even feel sad as I spoke the words. Not one tear came to my eye. Yay!
I guess I need to focus on my kids and forget about him.
Thank you, Trent. I really needed to hear all of that. I am spending too much time worrying about how he thinks and feels.
We only lob 2x4's because we want people to stop hurting themselves needlessly.
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
The good thing is you are getting through some important stuff here.
Don't tell you kids he left because of you. You don't know, you can tell them you don't know. I guess you might go so far as to say that he thought he needed to leave to be happy, but even that is putting words in his mouth. When it gets down to it, let them ask him why he left. (Don't tell them to ask him, but if you say you don't know, it's pretty clear where they have to go to find out.)
He isn't thinking clearly, but in his fog, asking how the kids are helps him to convince himself that he is a good father. He "knows" that if he asks that in a text, the answer will be "fine", and he can go on with his life. Anything you say that messes up his plan will backfire, even if it is true. Because it comes from you. As he talks to the kids, eventually (and it could be a while) he will realize that they are not fine. And be prepared, because he will try to blame that on you. Since you must be telling them bad stuff about him, poinsoning their minds. And since he isn't there, if they are not fine it must be your fault! Don't expect that his logic is the same as a reasonable person!
The best thing you can do for your kids is to be there. Be the best mom you can be. Be strong and confident. Set a good example.
As far as H goes, I think the less contact you have, the better. It's hurting you. Remember that the person you can control here is you. Remember that your happiness is not up to anyone but you.
This is a rotten situation, but in the end you can grow from it, however it comes out. Don't let it beat you. Because you can control that, too!
I need all the 2x4's you can toss. I feel so lost and broken. My parents are pressuring me to file for a D. My mom won't stop with the why would you even want him back talk, and honestly, why do I?
I don't even know if I do, or if I just want the kids to have an intact family.
My parents are still insisting on talking to him about our house. They no longer trust him to pay the rent. I'm of course worried that they'll say the wrong thing, and make thing worse.
My mom said she was going to say something like, H, we know you're confused... I blew up at her. He isn't confused. He is doing exactly what he wants. I told her if she wanted to ask him about finance, that would be fine, but nothing else. I feel bad now, because she really has a right to say whatever she wants.
There's no need to rush into anything. The only reason to consider filing anything, either for D or a separation, would be if you need to protect yourself and the kids financially. You do want to think about that, and make sure that you are safe there. Otherwise, you don't have to do anything until it feels right to you.
The intact family thing.... well, I know that's what we all want. But sometimes an intact family can be more toxic than a seperated one. My kids are doing better since W moved out, I think. They call it a mutually beneficial seperation/divorce. They say mom gets to live closer to work, and dad doesn't get yelled at anymore. They can feel the reduction in tension. They know that they are loved, and that they will be taken care of. My youngest would try to put himself in the middle to stop the anger and stress, now he doesn't have to. I'm just saying, it does not have to be awful for the kids.
You are right, your mom has the right to say whatever she wants. But it's ok for you to voice your concerns, too. In a way, you are both right, from different points of view!
Oh, when she talks about why you would want him back, you could tell her you don't, but you would want the man you think he can become, given a chance. And you'd like to wait a while to give him the chance.
I need all the 2x4's you can toss. I feel so lost and broken. My parents are pressuring me to file for a D. My mom won't stop with the why would you even want him back talk, and honestly, why do I?
This is a version of what I told my father when he voiced a similar concern:
"I know that you love me and that you want what is best for me. However, this is my husband and my marriage we are talking about, and I will handle this relationship how I see fit."
Me: 44, Wife: 39 M: 17 years T: 20 years Bomb on 08/25/09 1/13/10: MC started 1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs 8/28/10: Wife moved out No talk of D, no movement
I need a new name, VH. I'm starting to feel more and more like this is his problem, not mine. Actually, it IS his problem! I will be fine. I have great family support, and all of you guys to thump me in the head when I start acting foolish. lol
Thank you both for your input on how to handle my mother. I'm going to talk to her and tell her I don't know what I want yet, and ask her to give me time. I know deep down she means well and just wants this over for me.
VH, it sounds like things are working out pretty well for you. I find a sense of peace in the house when I am here alone. The tension is gone, and my kids are even better behaved. In some ways, this hasn't been all that bad.
